the he...of me

October 30, 2008 candacemorris 4 Comments

filling in the [bulleted] blanks

October 29, 2008 candacemorris 12 Comments

• cuddling with the saint on a made-for-two lounge chair, our wool-socked feet stretched out before us, blanketed in affection while we watch star wars and sip hot cider from these mugs.
• at my own bookstore, imbibing a ben-made cappuccino, a jessica-made apple-tart, and watching my toe-headed son sit in the corner and read an uncle brian-written children's book under a kelly-made masterpiece.
• redoing my kitchen. getting rid of everything and starting completely over with ONLY things i love.
• antique shopping.
• learning to make apple-butter.
• in school.
• picnicking under the trees in this the apple orchard.

I am:

• happier lately. i think. it hit me friday as i took myself out on a writing date. i didn't think about it then and i choose not to think about it now least the light-hearted season run like the dickens out the thrown-open shutters of my soul.
• in black. naturally.
• irritated to have seen the exact same hair (only perfectly platinum) on the bus this morning. she had amazing legs to boot.
• drinking cold coffee.
• looking forward to a night of solitude.
• one episode into watching Six Feet Under: Season 1. So far, I am totally intrigued. I never saw it the first time around.
• overwhelmed by keeping in touch...
• gearing up for the holidays - making a budget, checking it twice...
• aching to hold a sleeping baby.
• wondering if getting into design is a bad idea - i want. i want. i want.
• a mystery, a distant star, a nocturnal owl, an opinionated reader.
• lovely.

• read. i am very thankful for this fact...and for working eyes.
• breath. must do it more deliberately.
• choose to see people with compassion, and spread my wings to encompass even those who seem hell bent on brushing past others in their own pain. (i can. right?)
• love the ones i love and love them well.
• write...
• give myself my own mani/pedi. (hey! this isn't i WANT).
• eat a cookie for breakfast.
• detach and detangle - keep my boundaries safe and secure.
• learn to love new things. would like to learn to run, to oil-paint, to fish, to do web-design, to redecorate, to speak french, to better my wine palate, and to play piano.

• the beautiful escape emily provides for me today in her words.
• my fingers working happily on my cold-weather crocheting projects
• a workspace dedicated to my every whim...all for me. i would have a saw (and learn to use it. i love saws), a darkroom with camera equipment, a writing desk with a view, a big work table for silly projects i dream up (mobiles), a computer, a big lounge chair and bookshelves, and full kitchen to learn to bake like i know i could...i think i need my own apartment. hah!
• transporting myself to different places and people, dropping in for visits and laughter. i would stop in redding, riverside, lancaster, san diego, mexico, idaho, chicago, georgia, florida, new york, maine, and paris. i would hug old friends, kiss babies, be snuggled by parents, embrace my new friends, wander around bookstores, and eat lobster.
• a kitchen with a nook like this, complete with armchairs and view.
• a vacation with joel that includes an open-air cabana, sarong skirts and bikini tops (for me), sand in my toes, the ocean in my veins, mahi mahi in my belly, and tequila en mi boca. i am good wife when i am relaxed. darn good.
• my hands as an accomplished pianist...i would warm up today with some Yann Tiersen ("La Valse d'Amélie") and then move on to learning the theme from The Diving Bell and The Butterfly by Paul Cantelon, then I would end my practice session with Claude Debussy's Clair de Lune or Ravel's Jeux d'eau
• myself as Catherine Earnshaw - gathering my marsh-stained skirts about me as i jump from rock to rock in the moors. it's time to go in...and i have hot bread, aged port, and warming fire waiting for me at home - but i cannot bring myself to end my explorations. my cheeks are pink, my wild hair is loose in the wind, and i am breathlessly balancing on the cusp of the day.

I adore:

• wikipedia
• the warmth of joel in my bed
• the november issue of domino
• the universal wish list button from amazon
• vouge's best-dressed weekly finds - esp the burberry dress on number 10.
• what it feels like to be married for six years...safe, steady, romantic. as dramatic as the coco chanel I wore down the aisle, as warm as the goose-down-comforter on our bed, as comforting and hot as the v.s.o.p i drink at my neighbor's house. he makes me aware only of the me i like...
• the name anouk
• hummus
• office supply stores
• Cannery Row
• the pomeranian in my building
• listening to NPR

And as for you, dear reader.
Let's tiptoe out of these florescent rooms
Let's go on the roof and let our hair get tangled
Let's open a bottle of pelligrino with lime (but shake it first)
Let's not forget to breath in the frivolity of the moment.

all about the owl

October 28, 2008 candacemorris 0 Comments

• involvement
• debates
• forums
• rallies (except the pep rallies in high school. don't.even.ask.)
• causes
• (voting)

I prefer to detach and observe...to wait and assess, to listen first and then to leave. I have always been this way - even for something worth getting worked up about - I fear getting caught up in the crowd more than the cause that may/may not need my passion.

Consider it the well-learned lesson imparted to me by such teachers as Victor Hugo, Harper Lee, William Shakespeare. I cannot be a part of a mob - even if the mob is good. Believe me, I thank god not everyone is like me. (but it's unfair when others cannot see that they should be thanking god not everyone is like them.)

Instead, I must spread the melancholy, nocturnal wings of my burrowing-self and stretch into the hot, black gusts of night wind.
Alone.
Full-well realizing that, to others, it looks like I do absolutely
nothing.
I am lazily perching on my branch,
making nothing but long eerie night-songs,
darting my eyes back and forth in superiority
and judgement.

It's not so.
simply not so.

However, I cannot believe that any one man can save the world. (i have little patience for or interest in political dramatics, but I read a blog today that literally said, "I will stop worrying, and just sit back and wait for obama to save the world.") This sentiment appalls and scares the holy shit out of me. Not because of obama, he MAY be the best of two choices, but because I cannot get worked up and put my hope in any one change, any one human, or any one dollar bill (or $700 million).

no
matter
the
cause.

please god.
do not think this is a post about the election.
it's just my thoughts.

i have been freaked out by everyone's freaking out about the economy as well. ("there is nothing to fear but fear itself.") but like my owlish self, i sit back, observe and try to cling like hell to these branches of truth:
~my life is temporal;
~ i can and will learn to live with little or nothing;
~america becoming a lesser nation may not be the worst thing in the history of man's existence
~deciding to hope in something other than the transcendent IS akin to acquiescing to having my small, spotty (newly-discovered) wings forever clipped.

i will fall from my perch,
and will get eaten alive
by predators unknown.
(ask yourself, is this what you want by demanding all to become involved? this is the result of asking people to go against their nature, their call, their existential purpose)

please note:
I TRULY believe each little and big bird has his place in this scheme - and so many birds need to be heard and shrill their voices to the mountain tops, protect their nests, soar in courage and demand for the hunt, BUT...this is only me saying:

"dear other birds, let me be myself...whooooooo i am. and i will do the same for you."

"and then i will hunt you at night."
because there is nothing more distasteful to my carnivorous beak than the intolerance of proselytization. so when you find yourself swept up in the rhetorical shouts demanding you, "tell your friends!!," (as if a vote has salvation power) just for a second...forget that i am your friend.

and then remember again and let's soar.
after all, i'd rather fly together than talk any day.

~the burrowing owl - because the female is a little darker

en images

October 27, 2008 candacemorris 6 Comments

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

From 10.24 Weekend

~whit

my spiritual gift

October 23, 2008 candacemorris 8 Comments

my spiritual gift

weird, mindless, and random entertainment.

October 22, 2008 candacemorris 6 Comments

Created by Bunk Beds Pedia

le force

October 21, 2008 candacemorris 2 Comments

• classical music in a solo elevator ride
• the pastry counter i walked by downtown
• personal health
• full fridgerator with all necessary elements (aka, booze)
• the pilot P-700 fine point pen
• the perfume sample i pilfered from the november bazaar i leafed through at lunch
• homemade buns
• turning the pages in my SP Journals.
• joelio's warm body that nighly serves to nurse my icy feet back to feeling. every.single.night. (he doesn't even wake up to the shock!)
• the delightful clinkity-clink of a pair of earrings niki got me for my bday
• the crashing of two trees in thomas st. park. one is this deep, black-plum and the other is a bright mustard. the after-effect is stunning.
• my wedding ring
• good earth tea
• sharp, but not too sharp, pencils with which to underline SP's words.
• an active mind that thrives on learning
• amazon's new universal wish list button. basically, you can add this button to your toolbar and then CLICK it anytime you want to add ANYTHING YOU SEE on the internet to your amazon wish list. it's pretty great.
• the anticipation of our 6yr anniversary vacation...visualizing myself relaxed and far away
• bulleted lists
• a well-paying job
• photographs of good things
• a low-maintenance, five minute hair doooo

You have no idea how friggen long this list took me to write what with juggling how each of these blessings brought in its mental wake a worry, frustration, or small rant. I will spare you the comparison, but if I sat to write all that was urking me today, it would be like a quick shot of fast-actin' tequila with no hestitation between pours. sigh.

le sigh.......

but, i was determined to (le) force myself to do it.

i feel no different; i am sure i just need to practice more.
practice makes perfect (optimism).

~crm

just nerdy enough

October 20, 2008 candacemorris 5 Comments

things i learned on sunday

October 19, 2008 candacemorris 3 Comments

at home in the woods

i tip my hat to your arbor

the all-knowing wife of a hobo

kneading

a glimpse into the childhood of the saint

It was a good day.
I was due for one, and it made me sleepy with gratitude.

Another October Sunday

~ crm

en images

October 18, 2008 candacemorris 3 Comments

10 years

the saintly altar boy

caught in the act of accidental holiness

six o'clock.
the potential of an evening,
the hearth of a familiar kitchen,
the gathering of the fallen.




a seaside snack

pursuit



kind self-assertion



upon reflections



dangerously still

the sea.

it makes no excuses,
offers no explanation.
when confronted - silent.
it still only ever
is.




differentiation
in the contrast lies peace




to elongate the shadow

some days there are shadows in the apartment corners.
i light a fire to the darkness not to irradiate, but to elongate the shadow.




the joint venture

the danger, the temptation.
to make ourselves palatable to other human beings.

i knew i must get to the sea.
i must see, greet, and be
with another mysterious other.

a day to remember

October 15, 2008 candacemorris 4 Comments

1. in the wee dark ours of the morning shadows, she incoherently receives kisses from her freshly-cologned husband as he goes to work.
2. 6:30 am - alarm goes off.
3. 7:00 am - real alarm goes off.
4. she takes a shower and wonders why there is plenty of hot water for a shower but NOT ENOUGH FOR the bath the previous night.
5. she decides what clothes to wear and chooses a pair of paints that have stains from stupid powder laundry detergent - that she may/may not have BORROWED from someone who left it in the laundry room. she then spends way too much time cleaning off said stains.
6. she gathers her food for the day - banana, odwalla bar, turkey sandwich, and grapes.
7. she finishes hair and makeup in record time and dashes out the door.

this really is the most energetic part of my day.

1. she misses her stop on the bus b/c she was stuck reading emails on her iphone and didn't notice her stop. this never happens and she chuckled at getting caught up.
2. she goes to mailroom first and gets daily papers.
3. she heads to floor 17 and gets coffee and water ready for her desk breakfast. she eats her banana.
4. she sits there (makes slideshow for joelio) until 10am and gets mail. she eats odwalla bar.
5. 12:15 pm. she eats turkey sandwich.
6. she sits there until 1:45 when she goes to lunch and calls her parrallel-o-friend to return a message. she also talks to jackie and kelly at lunch.
7. she makes copies and prepares a UPS package.
8. 4:25pm - she starts blog.
9. UPS crush comes in at 4:27 "CM! How are you!"
10. she refills water bottle.
11. she comes back to desk and sits there until 4:45.

that brings us to now.
hope you are entertained with the MONOTONY OF MY DAYS.
it's gotta end soon.
but today was NOT a waste.
tonight will be good
and i have laughed quite a few times today.

also - there's plenty of wine to be had.
and this makes jesus cry with happiness.

~crm

to know myself

October 14, 2008 candacemorris 10 Comments

first and foremost, i am in transition - and i guess i didn't realize it because many other people around me are in more significant transitions. however, more clearly seen and less blurred by comparison, i now understand the following:

• i knew my career path from age 14. i pursued teaching English and studying literature unwaveringly until it exploded rather disastrously upon me when i left teaching at age 28 - battered, bruised, humiliated, and unrecognizable as a human. i spent 14 years of my life in pursuit of one goal, one passion, one field of study. now, without this goal, this clear path, i am met with immense anxiety and my ground is as quicksand. i hate living in stagnancy. i shirk and shame from the waiting...my impatience turns my stomach and i am left balancing precariously above black.
• the above mentioned balancing act has me emotionally exhausted. when i get this way, my skin gets paper-thin. i have recently been noticing wounds from social encounters that before would never have stayed with me past the party. i realized that it was happening after almost every time i saw anyone outside of joel, and again realized that something was off. turns out that my status of transition has intensified the wounds i take with me because i have less energy to expel them. they send me teetering and i have to sit on my balance beam, reorient myself, and try to again stand on something much too precarious to stand upon. alas, this is my life right now. i must and will learn to stand - but i want everyone to know - i hate it.
• i moved into a new apartment in late april. this has changed my entire lifestyle - even down to how much we drive. i actually miss driving. i was in the car last night for the first time in a week, and with tice blaring, i found the smallest glimmer of euphoria. the rain battering me blind, the smell of wet forest in the middle of the city, the wet drops on my hair...(well, when i got out of the car). things are different. the apartment, though extremely beautiful, doesn't get a ton of light, is smaller than our previous space and we are still struggling with decorating/storage solutions...and in general, it just doesn't feel like home yet. it usually takes me about two years to feel at home, which i know about myself, but for some reason - i expected to feel better here. i don't, and i am trying to be okay with that...and needing time for our lives to unfold within the space.
• i turned thirty in july. despite this being a milestone for many people, i think the biggest thing for me is that i no longer have the momentum of my twenties to idealistically motivate the journey. i think, when most people feel this lost of momentum, they have children. joel and i haven't been ready for this yet, but we are at a loss as to what we are indeed ready for. well, we know we want europe...and that's about it.
• my soul is demanding new food - and this surprises me. i thought that i had figured out what it needed to be happy - and it turns out the soul's need grows and changes. for a long while, solitude was enough. now, solitude is not the answer...i am beginning to think my soul is now moving towards spiritual, religious food. If you have no idea what i am talking about when i talk of soul and feeding yourself, please do read "Care of the Soul" by Moore.

Because of all of these things, the psychiatrist I saw last night has determined that I am just in transition, am not chemically depressed, and need to be patient in this time of transition.

I have never
EVER
been
good
at
waiting.

I am very impulsive and will jump to change more quickly than anyone (well, life changes. not changes in plans! :) ) and yet, once I am adjusting to the change, I find only suffocation, uneasy anxiety, immense boredom, and a hibernating loss of orientation. I don't do it well.

Especially when all the whiskey is gone!

So now that I am clearer about what is actually happening to me.
Now that I have my treasured "whys" answered.
There is not much left to do but take this hairshirt blanket of autumnal transition,
Wrap it tight around me as a substitute for thick-skin,
Leave myself alone,
Enjoy the unknown,
And swear to never again do it without whiskey.

~crm

the strange comfort of monday

October 13, 2008 candacemorris 5 Comments

the outlook of this week looks promising...

dear jesus,
thank you for paychecks.
which will turn into wine.
turns out you still perform miracles.

~crm

"you and the stars, throwing light"

October 10, 2008 candacemorris 6 Comments

i could just kiss jesus' rainy cheeks for this ease of spirit and good coffee.

• le ditching of my friday "run" with kelly. oooppps. :)
• le sleeping in until 10:15am.
• le massage (man it can really pay to sell yourself to the corporate whore)
  
• le briskly freeeezing walk to/from massage therapist (oh DELICIOUS COLD)
• le funky smell in kitchen and quick run to garbage bin
• le lighting of candles and turning on of Jeff Buckley.
• le making of apple/cinnamon muffins to find an excuse to load kelly's jam onto it. turns out i burned them, but jam covers a multitude of sins.
• le brewing of the jesus' personal coffee roaster - Vivace.
• le pep talk "candace, just relax...do what you want to do - enjoy the moment, stop planning your day."
• le funny feet situation. i am wearing two different slippers b/c i can't find the matching pair. it's making me snicker.
• le magical pink light hitting my bedroom floor.

• le watercolor brush in my hand
  
• le or maybe deux scalding shower(s)
• le walk
  

"the gross misuse"

Feel no shame for what you are
Feel no shame for what you are
Feel it as a water fall
Fall in light,
Grow in light

Stand absolved behind your electric chair, dancing
Past the sound within the sound
Past the voice within the voice

Leave your office
Run past your funeral
Leave your home, car
Leave your pulpit
Join us in the streets where we
Don’t belong, don’t belong
You and the stars
Throwing light

Fall in light, fall in light fall in light
Grow in light"

"New Year's Prayer"

a lighthearted rant

October 09, 2008 candacemorris 5 Comments

see? this is my "i am not amused" face

• black translucent nylons, black keds
• wet hair. oh gosh. WET HAIR.
• gaucho capri pants with black barbie-heels
• and the ever-present, never-ending PNW Pet Peeve? NORTHFACE JACKETS WITH BUSINESS SUITS.

and even more rants:

1. i hate the superfluous use of umbrellas when it's barely even wet
2. i hate that because you do dishes right before the bath, you have only enough hot water to cover the unmentionables and are in fact, MORE cold than before you took said bath
3. i hate when the guy who gets to the bus stop AFTER you jumps on the bus RIGHT before you
4. i hate that google books doesn't have a fully-published book of Cannery Row online - which means i cannot read it at work
5. i hate that i have no idea what to read from the guy who just won the Nobel Prize in Literature because no one has started a discussion online about which works to read to get a good feel
6. i hate clean hair
7. i hate the idea of going to the symphony this weekend and NOT having our usual pre-ordered intermission cocktails...(i am going to scrounge up some money for this! it's a MUST!)
8. i hate the elastic band of a waste this old dress has on it - it's suffocating and itchy.
   

well since i purged all that, i am feeling just much better.

dreams and distractions

October 08, 2008 candacemorris 0 Comments

As I was perusing the Powell's bookstore enews letter, I happened upon the new book by Kathleen Norris (yes, it is as you feared. i am one of those people bored enough to actually read email newsletter updates from bookstores). I was originally introduced to Norris via Amanda - and love her work because of its fascination with monastic living and Thomas Merton.

____________________

noticing some new lovely pillows from the busy bee i call umberdove.

• mouth raw from eating sour patch kids in bed
• never felt more gratitude towards a movie and book than last night
• horrible hangnail on right thumb i cannot stop picking
• looking forward to the symphony this weekend
• trying not to obsessively check my bank-balance
• feeling my acute melancholy and uncomfortable, yet self-inflicted, isolation
• hungry
• 75% completed with my application to the University of Glasgow
• thirsty for a manhatten
• spiritually wrought
• on the brink of transition

the angst is so acute that i feel a bit suffocated and unsafe
and have no real compartments in which to place the pain
so as to make myself acceptable, polite, easy-going, charming.

i am cresting a barren, dry hill with no sight of its peak
desperately wanting to ask for help, full well knowing i can do it myself,
but more afraid to be too much for you;
thereby tainting your journey with more black than you
signed up for.
wanting your 'i love you' more than breath.
clinging to one simple word.

seasons.

à dimanche

October 05, 2008 candacemorris 11 Comments

guided to growth

arrival home, boots wet with autumn

A Romp 'Bout the Garden

passing time and recovery

October 03, 2008 candacemorris 5 Comments

ode to the mad woman in the attic

October 02, 2008 candacemorris 5 Comments

1. she has been my memory of a childhood long and easily forgotten.
2. she gave me my passion for books and literature.
3. she can curse, smoke, and drink like a sailor while simultaneously dispensing feminine wit, academic prowess, and fierce fashion.
4. she has, by far, the coolest and most soulful tattoo of anyone i know.
5. the smell of sweet peas and cigarette smoke mixed together on the softest cheeks in the world.
6. cynicism, irony, and sarcasm combined into this dizzying mix of indelible style and the airiest fairy-laughter.
7. she has the biggest of sea-green eyes that throw you a line to climb even the highest of emotionally unscalable walls.
8. she introduced me to eddie vedder, bono, michael jackson, madonna, david bowie, robert smith, paul newman, john coltrane, and thelonious monk.
9. she is the most hilarious contortionist with her mad gymnast skills (of course using her husband as a jungle gym).
10. she, despite being the impetus behind a lot of my own personal fabulousness, is my biggest and most loyal fan.
11. she is very and overly-generous with her resources; her love, her time, her money, her ciggies.
12. she celebrates her husband with genuine vision of his potential and support for his dreams.
13. she reminds me that being an introvert is not a disease and that we are not freaks for being misanthropes.
14. she let me steal her natalie merchant tiger lily tape and play it over and over.
15. she taught me to always and forever be my own person; find my own style, say my own things, read the things i loved, and marry the one i want - and then middle-finger anyone who judges me for it.
16. she is my favorite person to dance with - and every move i know is because of watching her - my own personal delores craig!
17. her soul is attached to dogs in the most mysterious and beautiful way - thinking of her with our childhood dog, nitro, and the english bull-dog she has now, clarence, can bring me to tears in a flash.
18. she taught me how to drink my coffee black, take my vodka straight-up, and imbibe my scotch neat.
19. she will go to any expense to see that i am loved, rested, happy, and intoxicated.
20. she loves things like snoopy, forensics, first editions, roller skates, nancy drew, peanut butter and jelly, sour candy, and lilies.
21. she adores joel with a deep admiration and mysterious understanding that they both carry me.
22. she gave me my first copy of Jane Eyre.
23. she treated me like i was smart. because of this, i believed it myself.
24. she knows my sensitivity levels so can instruct me on what roller coasters to avoid and what horror films not to see.
25. she gave me E.B.Brownings Sonnets of a Portuguese when we were in college, and I will never forget the inscription. "Here's to finding our own Robert Browning."
26. she let me camp in her room for two weeks when i saw Cape Fear and couldn't sleep in my own bed.
27. she never let anyone talk down to me - especially myself.
28. she was my biggest comfort and confidant in the confusing parts of ages 18-21 while attending the most god-forsaken school in the country - my very survival depended upon her.
29. she is the most magnificent of weeping willows; rich with a sad swaying, pregnant with rain and silence; aloof with high, unattainable branches- with solemnity and awe, i picnic under her.
30. she works her ass off.
31. her oceanic waters are dichotomously both eerie and calming.
32. she tears up at the last verse in "Come thou Fount" - especially if i sing it.

"it's never over..all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter. she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever."

the mad woman in the attic

here's to you, my flesh,
mon coeur, mis lágrimas;
the coolest girl i know.
i am forever:
dizzy from your smoke,
buzzed off your cocktail,
fat from your goodly feast,
and well-dressed in your purloined vestments.
fuck yeah.

from your biggest fan and seer of all your great, vibrant color,
even when you think it is suffocated by the gray.

~your little sister, can.

orange sprouts and hopeful thoughts

October 01, 2008 candacemorris 3 Comments

Sept 30 - orange sprouts and hopeful thoughts, originally uploaded by catholicbeer.

i hope big things for october.
big things like:
release.
romance.
reading.
red wine.

~crm