to know myself
first and foremost, i am in transition - and i guess i didn't realize it because many other people around me are in more significant transitions. however, more clearly seen and less blurred by comparison, i now understand the following:
- i knew my career path from age 14. i pursued teaching English and studying literature unwaveringly until it exploded rather disastrously upon me when i left teaching at age 28 - battered, bruised, humiliated, and unrecognizable as a human. i spent 14 years of my life in pursuit of one goal, one passion, one field of study. now, without this goal, this clear path, i am met with immense anxiety and my ground is as quicksand. i hate living in stagnancy. i shirk and shame from the waiting...my impatience turns my stomach and i am left balancing precariously above black.
- the above mentioned balancing act has me emotionally exhausted. when i get this way, my skin gets paper-thin. i have recently been noticing wounds from social encounters that before would never have stayed with me past the party. i realized that it was happening after almost every time i saw anyone outside of joel, and again realized that something was off. turns out that my status of transition has intensified the wounds i take with me because i have less energy to expel them. they send me teetering and i have to sit on my balance beam, reorient myself, and try to again stand on something much too precarious to stand upon. alas, this is my life right now. i must and will learn to stand - but i want everyone to know - i hate it.
- i moved into a new apartment in late april. this has changed my entire lifestyle - even down to how much we drive. i actually miss driving. i was in the car last night for the first time in a week, and with tice blaring, i found the smallest glimmer of euphoria. the rain battering me blind, the smell of wet forest in the middle of the city, the wet drops on my hair...(well, when i got out of the car). things are different. the apartment, though extremely beautiful, doesn't get a ton of light, is smaller than our previous space and we are still struggling with decorating/storage solutions...and in general, it just doesn't feel like home yet. it usually takes me about two years to feel at home, which i know about myself, but for some reason - i expected to feel better here. i don't, and i am trying to be okay with that...and needing time for our lives to unfold within the space.
- i turned thirty in july. despite this being a milestone for many people, i think the biggest thing for me is that i no longer have the momentum of my twenties to idealistically motivate the journey. i think, when most people feel this lost of momentum, they have children. joel and i haven't been ready for this yet, but we are at a loss as to what we are indeed ready for. well, we know we want europe...and that's about it.
- my soul is demanding new food - and this surprises me. i thought that i had figured out what it needed to be happy - and it turns out the soul's need grows and changes. for a long while, solitude was enough. now, solitude is not the answer...i am beginning to think my soul is now moving towards spiritual, religious food. If you have no idea what i am talking about when i talk of soul and feeding yourself, please do read "Care of the Soul" by Moore.
Because of all of these things, the psychiatrist I saw last night has determined that I am just in transition, am not chemically depressed, and need to be patient in this time of transition.
I have never
EVER
been
good
at
waiting.
I am very impulsive and will jump to change more quickly than anyone (well, life changes. not changes in plans! :) ) and yet, once I am adjusting to the change, I find only suffocation, uneasy anxiety, immense boredom, and a hibernating loss of orientation. I don't do it well.
Especially when all the whiskey is gone!
So now that I am clearer about what is actually happening to me.
Now that I have my treasured "whys" answered.
There is not much left to do but take this hairshirt blanket of autumnal transition,
Wrap it tight around me as a substitute for thick-skin,
Leave myself alone,
Enjoy the unknown,
And swear to never again do it without whiskey.
~crm
10 comments:
I can relate to a lot this. I lived in some level of transition my whole adult life (all 15 years) until I got to Canada 18 months ago (which is why I resist even leaving the house, let alone going anywhere overnight, unless it's to a cabin with a Brazilian...)
Aaaanyway,
I liked (and still do, since I've still not fully 'arrived') a book called 'Seasons of a restless heart: a spiritual companion for living in transition' by Debra Farrington.
I hereby recommend it.
oh, you know i always love me a book recommendations.
thanks em!
Transitions... bleh. Count me in on the phase (hence my absence on my blog and almost everywhere else).
I feel you. Many moments I have wanted to stop what I am doing, where I live, what I live for because it doesn't seem right - I don't feel I am following my soul yearnings. But somehow, in doing some things anyway, paths I never imagined wound they way towards me. A few of which I have taken to be where I am now, others I have left behind. I'm not sure if this is much help - except to say, dear friend, I am thinking of you.
je suis ici avec toi.
you rock my socks, ace of base.
Are we really ever out of transition and change? Even when we think we have it all nailed down and are running smoothly, it seems that life grabs the rug from out under us and there we lie again, staring up at the sky wondering what the fuck just happened.
You are the kind of person that needs answers and solutions. Unfortunately, I don't think this situation has a 'solution'. In the absence of said solution, I think you need some sort of list (since I know you love lists) of things that can at least help the near future. Attempt to treat the symptoms, so to say. Your soul will come around and then there will be the harmonious combining of soul and self.
Also, you can always come over for stew and Makers, if that helps. ;)
i absolutely love that you listen to Tice all the time. who knew you'd be a hip hop fan afterall? miss you, love you.
m - i send thoughts of peace and comfort to you today.
em - that is a good point - sometimes the ideals of our lives can interfere with the actual living...
she -
i know. i know.
b - well thanks. but it's cold so don't stay barefoot too long.
bc - thanks for the suggestions and support and stew! however, i don't really feel compelled to come to a solution about this transition and problem solving isn't what i need - though, as you rightly guessed, it is my temptation. i need to be patient in suffering is all...also, i think treating symptoms alone can build a really dangerous emotional callous concering soul. In my study of soul, it does not just come around. It must be faced dead on...even if it means we still never get "fixed." I have to release all hopes of health - because persuing health for health's sake will tempt me to rush the natural process of pain. Also, I am okay - don't worry.
Niks- was thinking about the album, and i think i like it because it doesn't remind me of hip hop at all. rather, perhaps it's not my preconceived notions of hip hop. if you know more hip hop like this - hoook me up with some recommendations! i was thinking of asking you guys to do this anyway - making me a playlist of things you think are true hip hop. also, i love you.
p.s. that film "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" is out on dvd now so you should be able to find a copy; it is just incredible... the book was brilliant too, but they've done the film so well. Sigh, it made me realise a few things too.
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