to know myself
first and foremost, i am in transition - and i guess i didn't realize it because many other people around me are in more significant transitions. however, more clearly seen and less blurred by comparison, i now understand the following:
- i knew my career path from age 14. i pursued teaching English and studying literature unwaveringly until it exploded rather disastrously upon me when i left teaching at age 28 - battered, bruised, humiliated, and unrecognizable as a human. i spent 14 years of my life in pursuit of one goal, one passion, one field of study. now, without this goal, this clear path, i am met with immense anxiety and my ground is as quicksand. i hate living in stagnancy. i shirk and shame from the waiting...my impatience turns my stomach and i am left balancing precariously above black.
- the above mentioned balancing act has me emotionally exhausted. when i get this way, my skin gets paper-thin. i have recently been noticing wounds from social encounters that before would never have stayed with me past the party. i realized that it was happening after almost every time i saw anyone outside of joel, and again realized that something was off. turns out that my status of transition has intensified the wounds i take with me because i have less energy to expel them. they send me teetering and i have to sit on my balance beam, reorient myself, and try to again stand on something much too precarious to stand upon. alas, this is my life right now. i must and will learn to stand - but i want everyone to know - i hate it.
- i moved into a new apartment in late april. this has changed my entire lifestyle - even down to how much we drive. i actually miss driving. i was in the car last night for the first time in a week, and with tice blaring, i found the smallest glimmer of euphoria. the rain battering me blind, the smell of wet forest in the middle of the city, the wet drops on my hair...(well, when i got out of the car). things are different. the apartment, though extremely beautiful, doesn't get a ton of light, is smaller than our previous space and we are still struggling with decorating/storage solutions...and in general, it just doesn't feel like home yet. it usually takes me about two years to feel at home, which i know about myself, but for some reason - i expected to feel better here. i don't, and i am trying to be okay with that...and needing time for our lives to unfold within the space.
- i turned thirty in july. despite this being a milestone for many people, i think the biggest thing for me is that i no longer have the momentum of my twenties to idealistically motivate the journey. i think, when most people feel this lost of momentum, they have children. joel and i haven't been ready for this yet, but we are at a loss as to what we are indeed ready for. well, we know we want europe...and that's about it.
- my soul is demanding new food - and this surprises me. i thought that i had figured out what it needed to be happy - and it turns out the soul's need grows and changes. for a long while, solitude was enough. now, solitude is not the answer...i am beginning to think my soul is now moving towards spiritual, religious food. If you have no idea what i am talking about when i talk of soul and feeding yourself, please do read "Care of the Soul" by Moore.
Because of all of these things, the psychiatrist I saw last night has determined that I am just in transition, am not chemically depressed, and need to be patient in this time of transition.
I have never
I am very impulsive and will jump to change more quickly than anyone (well, life changes. not changes in plans! :) ) and yet, once I am adjusting to the change, I find only suffocation, uneasy anxiety, immense boredom, and a hibernating loss of orientation. I don't do it well.
Especially when all the whiskey is gone!
So now that I am clearer about what is actually happening to me.
Now that I have my treasured "whys" answered.
There is not much left to do but take this hairshirt blanket of autumnal transition,
Wrap it tight around me as a substitute for thick-skin,
Leave myself alone,
Enjoy the unknown,
And swear to never again do it without whiskey.