i am jack's inflamed uterus

December 26, 2007 Candace Morris 2 Comments

a surge of raging femme bile tore through my adrenal system this month and (despite my truest efforts) managed to steal my sacred advent cheer. mood swings, self-doubt, and fatigue dethroned my festive state of zen.

today, the energy shifted. i made a conscious effort to do just that, and i did it in the smallest way. i decided to pick up an old faithful - East of Eden (perhaps my favorite book of all time???!!!), and began the first chapter on the bus on the way to work on a deserted highway.

i never re-read books. i am pressured by the lack of time and personal schedule of books, thus the indulgence.

throughout the day at work, i felt myself gradually shifting back into place - i think i was so afraid that the newly acquired peace was a phase, an emotional fad that i wore trendily, but i feel encouraged to see that my hormones are re balancing. after this shift, many positive things happened.

1) i got off work early and was also given Friday off!

2) my husband surprised me with our newly fixed lolita AND $500 in cash, telling me that another Christmas present was a shopping spree for me to buy clothes!

3) i was refreshed by a lovely dinner with kelsey - who always reminds me that teaching was not a waste of my life.

4) i caught up on my Grey's Anatomy

5) i did the dishes

6) i folded the laundry

7) i baked, frosted, and decorated my own cake for my mom's bday. i made the icing from one of her childhood recipes.

8) i blogged.

i find so much comfort and rest in productivity.

i thought i would share also my latest works.

second watercolor: less happy with this one than the first, but i am calling it creabirth. it was supposed to represent rebirth, but instead ended up looking like a creature...but it's mine and i still love it.

Still cannot decide on orientation. thoughts?

gomes's got me my own sketch book and pencils for Christmas, and i am happy with some doodlings. enjoy.


novembre / décembre

December 03, 2007 Candace Morris 1 Comments

Joel and I went on a 5th anniversary adventure to San Francisco and Monterey. We had ourselves a lovely time, full of very memorable occasions, dates, jokes, and catastrophies.

Joel constantly suprises me. He is unendingly selfless, adaptable, adoring, supportive, clever, and unique. As we shift from him being my centerdness to me being able to carry myself now (see last blog) - and creating my own happines - he has transitioned like a warrior and loved me fiercely. It's a lovely feeling to know that you are still so interested in your life mate - that your future together looks just as entertaining and interesting as it did when you first met.

Another gift came my way on the first day of December. Seattle gave us just the perfect amount of snow on a lazy Saturday. Everyone on Capital Hill was giddy and smiling at strangers - Kelly and I celebrated with a manhattan at lunch, coffee on the treck home, and a gorgeous evening spent with friends.


the bookends

November 16, 2007 Candace Morris 4 Comments

I was struck with the sheer irony of my life today. I had a mirror thought to a thought I had around this time last year, and realized how remarkable a year it had been and how I really had come to a book end- one of those perfect dual moments.

Last year, I had just retired from my short career of teaching high school and was crossing the corner of 5th and Pike to catch my bus. Suddenly, I heard some of my own thoughts and remember remarking that it was really the first time in 3 years that I had actually heard myself think. My life was finally quiet enough to hear my inner dialogue.

Sadly, I only really distinctly remember that my thoughts were terribly ugly, self-deprecating, and toxic. I was oppressed by thick boughs of guilt, shame, despair, isolation, hardness, and judgment. This disgusted me even further...that my only real inner thoughts in three years would be so unlovely. I thought I hated my life, but what I really hated was myself. This thought, this single cognition, made me decide to being attending therapy.

I had many, many more thoughts after this, a year of thoughts, actually – and today was the first day that I metacognated about my thought life again...and my thoughts were kind, philanthropic, soft, challenging, self-accepting, and rich. The sharp contrast immediately stabbed my tear ducts, and I inwardly jolted....so this is what joy means. I had no idea...no idea at all. Joy is something embroidered on a pillow or trumpeted from angels, nothing for me. But it’s true – I feel deeply inspired, romanced with life, and satisfied to be me. I asked myself what could possibly have happened in one measly year to mark such a stark contrast. It can be summed up in one hyphenated adage: self-care. These are my musings: pardon the list form.

•Counseling. Despite what is/isn’t dealt with in my sessions, I now have a platform by which to be heard – and I don’t mean by my supportive friends and family. I mean I now have room to be heard BY ME. In all of this extra space, I was forced to stop repressing and imploding, and thereby eased my soul into the work that would face me in the year.

•I started really examining/observing myself socially, becoming aware of my community and influences, and how I interacted with those. This year I came to realize that I needed a lot more alone time than I was giving myself. In addition, the people in whom I was investing beyond appropriate boundaries were not the people I was inspired to love – they were the people I felt a compulsion to save.

•I started taking care of my physical body. I started weight watchers, but I discovered much more about myself through the process of loosing weight than I thought. I became interested in wholistic healing, organic living, and treating my physical body well in the hopes my mind would follow. It feels good to have gumption about my body.

•I stopped going to church and started my religious life. The not going to church really made me examine my spiritual intake. I started relying more on my entire week to provide the sacred – not just Sunday. Thomas Moore indicates that we should view our lives with imagination and try to incorporate our daily habits/errands/events into something spiritual and sacred. In this, none of my behaviors changed...but my focus during those behaviors changed. Instead of a nightly bath because I was cold and my body was stressed, I continued to take those baths and focused my mind on letting the ritual (much like a ritual of praying before a meal or any other religious behavior) become a time of spiritual refocus and rebirth....to mediate, to quiet my mind, to be alone with the divine. Taking the mundane daily living into the sacred realm has been an exercise of the mind, but one that has enriched my life immensely. I can now see a future of recovery from “church” wounds and attempt to walk into another church full of life already...with no pressure or expectations placed on that community.

•I read Thomas Moore’s Care of the Soul. This book opened my eyes to the beautiful shadow inside. I have constantly had a melancholic side, and instead of suppressing and feeling ashamed about this, Thomas Moore gave me practical and challenging paradigms to put my “shadow” at rest.

He explains that humans have seasons, just like the earth. We have times of death (fall) and rebirth (spring), hot (summer) and cold (winter). If when our shadow comes around (our “death” season, our “fall”) we immediately hide from it, suppress it, and torture ourselves for having it...this season will PUSH itself on us in its natural course - it MUST be recognized. Just like the autumn, it will come whether or not we “will” it away. It is a naturally occurring pattern of the earth, just like our personal seasons of death are also naturally occurring. Many people have chosen to medicate through this pattern (and many really need the medication) but if we continue to run from our shadow, it will continue to PUSH on us – thus elongating a season of darkness for torturous amounts of time. Instead, once we sense our shadow surfacing, we should instead embrace it through that which feeds our soul - for me...arts, theatre, journaling, spiritual meditation, catharsis. Thus, taking care of our “shadow,” nurturing it when it comes around, engaging it so that we can understand ourselves wholistically, to really examine what might be “wrong," alleviates the elongated periods of unnatural depression. It’s a strange concept, some might call it self-indulgent, but I have termed it self-acceptance – to look at onseelf with an honest eye, embrace even the worst of toxins, engage them, ask them why they are present, and ALLOWING yourself to just be YOU. Once that happens, it’s amazing the beautiful rebirth that happens towards you and others you love.

•The confines of self-definition. Once I was aware of and embracing the aforementioned self-care, I came to another journey. I realized how staunchly and unfairly I was attacking creative impulse in my life. If I tried to paint or write, I hated it and defeated myself. I was so painstakingly trying to define and qualify art for myself that I didn’t let the natural impulses just take on their own life. This is a rather new revelation, and I am still very much processing it, but I have recently painted something that I was surprised to discover that I liked...and this did my soul so much healing.

Warning: homily to follow:

Pardon me if you have known me this past year and I have been stuffing self-care down your throat – but it’s just like a good wine, when you find one that changes your life, you must share. In all honesty, I have seen immensely beneficial trickle down effect from this philosophy and I will continue to preach it.

It is not possible to be a woman, to be what we were created to be, unless we start learning the benefit of self-nurturing and demanding time for empty, creative space by which to recharge and restore.

Thus my year has two perfect book ends – I have observed my seasons well.


to you, the divine.

November 11, 2007 Candace Morris 0 Comments

i am not sure what you are doing.

but, i like it.


Streaming Dream

November 10, 2007 Candace Morris 0 Comments

I learned something last night. My favorite Kelly taught me to watercolor, generously contributing her expensive supplies and even more precious talent. I am entirely surprised by the painting and excited that it became something other than I planned..which happened when Kelly grabbed the painting i was trying to copy and told me to go it on my own. I was entirely engrossed for 3.5 hours and felt energetic and alive when I left her place at 1 in the morning.

I am happy with it. I named it streaming dream.

I want more.


Creating Empty Time

November 08, 2007 Candace Morris 2 Comments

Here is my point about my last blog,

"What I'm trying to do is say lighten up and let life flow through you, and be on the waves as they go up and down. For me, a great image in mythology is Tristan of Tristan and Isolde. He's out there on a little boat without an oar, without a rudder, on the Irish sea . . . You float your way. You drift. The essence of my approach is to be extravagantly accepting and forgiving of yourself and others. Ride the waves and let life take you where it has good things for you." - Thomas Moore

Coupled with this argument is the thought I am having today (inspired by a Thomas Moore blog AND my poetry study of Matthew Arnold's The Buried Life (http://www.victorianweb.org/authors/arnold/writings/buriedlife.html) , is that how in the world are we to know the deepest part of ourselves, the inner life, the ever-flowing ebb of soul, if we never take a single moment for ourselves. We must reflect, we must try to learn the discipline of empty time. "We seem to have a complex about busyness in our culture," says Thomas Moore, author of Care of the Soul. “Most of us do have some time each day to devote to simple relaxation, but we convince ourselves that we don’t."

And yet, the harder we push, the more we need to replenish ourselves. As Stephan Rechtschaffen, author of Timeshifting, says, "Each of us needs some time that is strictly and entirely our own, and we should experience it daily."

What can we do to CREATE even five minutes of empty time?

I am going to try to do something out of my ordinary self-care...not sure what that is. Maybe crocheting tonight?



November 07, 2007 Candace Morris 1 Comments

What is it lately? I have had soo many conversations with women lately about self-hatred/self-care. This comes at time in my life where I have finally started the journey to self-acceptance. I have been toxic to myself for entirely too long, and instead of hating myself for being so horrible to myself, something just finally clicked. It was not at all magical, but is - I believe - the result of a lot of emotional work being done on my part. When you start physically taking care of yourself, it's often amazing what the psyche reveals through it. But, so that is a really long story - but in the last week, i can count 3 conversations that lingered with me - and it's so decidedly ironic and beautiful that when i am just embarking on a journey - there are women, precious women, around me wanting/craving/trying to muster the courage to embark as well.

It feels weird and fucking cliche as hell to say, but i am really happy to be alive. I am settling into myself, being surprised at the things i like about myself, and finding a unique beauty all my own...and this has brought immense peace, and has opened my eyes to seeing my spiritual breath in a refreshing yet nostalgic way.

I am thankful that I am not alone in company of women who love to hate themselves - i am sojourning in order to pull more into the company of women who are well-fed. I really do think the best way to start is to read Thomas Moore's, "The Care of the Soul."


escapism in literary form

November 02, 2007 Candace Morris 0 Comments





With both feet

October 28, 2007 Candace Morris 1 Comments

I had an inspiring fire-side conversation tonight. I remembered that I am staunchly neglecting a huge part of my soul.

Since I was 14, I began journaling. I am a chronicler, a recorder, a keeper of lists & data that helps me mark my passage through life. I did this via the written word - naturally, for me - and now, at age 29, have 10 journals chronicling my journey through pre-pubescence, adolescence, and young adulthood. I am a night owl, and would woo my anxious mind to sleep by emptying it onto the paper. I would consider myself failed if I journaled less than nightly. I found god through journaling; i found my spouse; i found myself.

Curious to me, I found myself less interested in journaling once I got married. For obvious reasons, I now was less lonely and introspective at bed time - and since my husband is lovely - he now rubs my arms and head to woo my mind out of anxiety and off to sleep. I then also entered the demanding career of educating high schoolers, so I often had zero energy at night. Sadly - all of these frustrations became the guilty thieves of my journal. I do have a journal that I started when I got married 5 years ago, but it's a rather large journal, so it's is hard to fill the pages. The entries are sporatic and guilt-filled at the neglect of my life. I would then obsess about catching up my journal on my life and it became boring and monotonous.

However, I do have this to offer the world. I have the chronicle of a life to leave for my descendants. I must remotivate and refocus on the importance of this project. It may be this very blog.

Thank you, kb.


Theories of Personality

October 26, 2007 Candace Morris 0 Comments

I have been continually amazed by the fascination I have found. I love research and I love to study people - and about 6 months ago, came across the Myer's Briggs Temperament Sorter. Like the dork I am, I have asked everyone I know and love to take the test and send me their results and I have compiled it into an excel worksheet. I am enjoying organizing and analyzing the differences in this amazing vortex of life called relationships.

Speaking of relationships: I am having a surreal experience loving some new women in my life. I keep expecting them to show themselves as women I don't want to be around, but damn it...every time I discover something about them or spend a moment with them ...I am intrigued further. This has never happened for me and fall is the perfect season in which to experience what I must call some sort of rebirth or awakening.