musings of a melancholic: gratitude

Showing posts with label gratitude. Show all posts

I've been increasingly edgy. My spirit feels anxious and distant. I miss my sister. Joel's been working late and will be gone for the weekend. It's simply been a crabby week, and despite many attempts to listen to my body and soul, I cannot seem to quell it. After a fit of sighs as we were falling asleep, Joel lovingly asked what was wrong. Hell if I know. Everything. Nothing at all.

Interestingly enough, my yoga teacher mentioned last night that this tempestuous Spring is actually quite anxiety-producing, and that many she has seen that week have complained of worry. In any given day, Seattle will vacillate between fat rain, rays of sunshine, extreme wind, and the mildest dew. In a time that we are desperate to begin shedding some of that winter baggage, we have to layer even more - for we know not what the day holds.

Today, as I eased myself awake, I found that despite this gnawing moodiness, I had much I was ever-so-happy about. As I encountered several more items of gratitude throughout the morning, I realized that each of these items had begun as a complaint. Perhaps all of what discourages us in life has a flip side, a new gift under each desperately dark stone.

Complaint:

Having to get up for work and face the toughest morning challenge - that of finding something to wear.

The flip side:

A sigh of relief that I have more time with my last pair of non-maternity jeans.

Complaint:

Suffering through the horrible coffee at Microsoft (I still don't understand how a Seattle company can serve some of the most disgusting coffee I've ever tasted).

The flip side:

Treating myself to an Americano from Zoka. Something about enduring gross coffee made this particular cup taste even sweeter. There is a lesson there - discuss.

Complaint:
Dreary-ass weather.

The flip side:
Have you ever really taken in the beauty of a cherry tree during a rain storm? Those delicate pink petals scattering about, landing on your lawn or car as precious pink kisses? It's so very romantic. As I got in my car, I saw two wonderful petals on my window and it felt like nothing short of a gift from the gods.

It's a lot easier to feel the drudgery of things than to take the time and put in the energy to flip it. That always leads me to question why humans love to feel misery.

Well, here's to hoping this very day holds small treasures somewhere hidden for you. May you find a way to uncover them, for surely they are there.

Despite Thanksgiving being pretty close to my number one favorite holiday, I have felt recently that even the way one expresses gratitude can be a tad...I don't know, competitive. There are many ways to eloqute the

(--enter noun(s)--) one is "thankful" for, but this year, it feels contrived, forced...obligatory even.

I had a list. It was elaborately planned (seriously unlike 90% of my blog posts) and I was going to really spend some time delving into all my overwhelming blessings. But as time passed and I felt less and less able to remember what those things really WERE, I began to panic. I left the list of things somewhere and couldn't quite remember what they were. Don't get me wrong, I am SWIMMING in seriously amazing (--noun(s)--), but I wanted to be really specific, to the point, profound.

Readers, I lost it.

I lost my profundity.

Furthermore, I realized that even though I had planned this big blog post that would surely bring tears and chills to even the most unaffected critic, I really just wanted to keep these things to myself. I wanted to write pages and pages about them in my journal; I wanted to curl up inside myself and find a private, unshared, unviewed space wherein to express my thanks for really the most simple thing.

And that is this:

That after what has been a hands-down shitty, tragic, and unlucky year, that I was able to feel any gratitude at all. Feeling the authenticity of gratitude is a gift all its own.

And though I am open and willing to share almost anything with anyone, I realized that holding onto a few beautiful gems of gratitude all for myself and the universe...well that, my dears, is nothing short of pure, self-indulgent luxury.

Entire album of Thanksgiving here:

Thanksgiving 2010

Dear Universe, Cosmo, God, Divinity, Other,

To you I say: Thank you for deep breaths, wordless communion with Clara's soul, clear night skys, cleansing tears, and 1200 miles of fresh perspective.