i am one clairvoyant s.o.b.
my therapist thinks i am mildly depressed - clinically.
Apparently she has thought so for two years now, but out of her wisdom, never told me my insurance-necessary diagnosis for fear of self-fufilling prophecy. Turns out I am prophetic without even knowing it.
Apparently she has thought so for two years now, but out of her wisdom, never told me my insurance-necessary diagnosis for fear of self-fufilling prophecy. Turns out I am prophetic without even knowing it.
that word clinical is funny.
what the hecks does it mean?!!!
as in i am depressed WHEN i am in a clinic? well, bien sur!
what the hecks does it mean?!!!
as in i am depressed WHEN i am in a clinic? well, bien sur!
for the record. i have never been in a clinic.
not that there's anything wrong with it, if you really need the help.
but just to clear up the TERMS and intensity of my insanity.
but just to clear up the TERMS and intensity of my insanity.
I have ten pockets full of analytical and valid reasons for this onset of depression - and the truth is? I didn't even recognize it because it feels like my normal melancholy self.
Only - it's not.
It's a decided LACK of motivation and fight for life...which I typically have in abundance.I cannot feel as deeply as usual.
I cannot get enough sleep - why wake up (even after 10+ hrs) if the dreams are so much better than reality? Sadly, my reality is lovely. I just cannot seem to feel it or experience it as I know I could.
I cannot make myself want to do ANYTHING other than live vicariously through other people's fake lives (hello entertainment binge of last weekend).
Anyway, I swore I wasn't going to bore you with the self-analytical suspicions I have as to why I am depressed, but my favorite answer to why I am downtrodden? I just have to share this ONE.
It has been almost 1 whole month since I have ordered a new piece of plumeage from MisssyMissMz PLUME (pronoucned vis russian accent) since June!!! Perhaps when I can again see a PLUS sign in my checkbook sometime this month, I will be curing my Vitamin D deficiency and lack of exercise (sorry, couldn't help giving more reasons) with this:
or perhaps this:
The Jot Down a Poem necklace
or ZISSS!!!
Yes, yes. I believe these would lift my spirits indeed.
That and moving to Scotland to pursue my MA in Romantic Modernity.
~here's to a deeply-felt life,
crm
22 comments:
That ring is bloody gorgeous.
I don't think you are depressed; clinically, literally, or gastricly. (I don't know, I just threw that last one in there.) I think that you are like the rest of us in our late 20's and 30 - since there are like 5 of us this year turning that magical number. Allow me:
-We were brought up in the understanding, "Go to school, get good grades, get a degree, get a good job, set for life." FUCK.THAT.SHIT. If that was really all it took, then I would have retired by now. We are in a completely different time now and old standards don't apply. Were they [our parents] not emotionally challenged when trying to figure out what the F to do with life? Sorry, sorry, sorry. Off topic.
-You feel static. Yeah, I know you know, but it bares being said, repeated, reiterated. Don't be fooled, you have dreams and desires and you are afraid of those figs becoming shriveled up and dropping in to the abyss of 'too late'. We all are. That is the plight of our age.
-Why the fuck can't I just be rich and not have to worry about it? Here's my take. I started making a list of all the things I would do when I was super rich. In writing this (yes, right this second it came to me) I realized that I should go back over that list and figure out how to some of them before I'm carefree and throwing Benjamins at transients.
Well, all that to say, Fuck 'Clinically Depressed'. You are self analyzing. You know all those things I just said. They aren't a surprise. I feel the same way. So do other people in our group. It's because life is out plight. If that's all it takes to be 'clinically depressed' then this whole world is clinically depressed.
Be in your moment and know that the moment that you are living is a beautiful moment. Even at your desk at work, pondering why on earth Post-It's come in Neon (who the hell wants 'Action Items' in Neon Green - so cliche).
New favorite quote, "If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live." - Lin Yutang
edit: too many google accounts, sorry.
my passionate friend and firebrand BC,
though i agree that we have similar plights, i don't agree that the plight is what makes me "depressed." i realize that diagnosis of depression these days is akin to ADHD (yeah, we all have some measure), but I know myself and I know when I am just upset about my life and when I cannot feel things.
We are all different - and I appreciate your frustration with my diagnosis - but we cannot deny that depression does exist for some as a bonafide chemical imbalance, and if that can offer me just one piece of the puzzle of candace - i am willing to examine it.
Sorry, another thought while brushing my teeth as I head off to bed.
You are one of the people in my life that I admire and cherish because you have 'gusto'. Your amazing wit and fight are something that I love about you.
If you aren't 'feeling life' as you say, I'm feeling it for you and beside you. I don't think you give yourself enough credit. There is so much about you that just screams, "I'm alive!"
Fear not my friend, we will reach great things. And the rush experienced along the journey will be like none other.
You people and all your 'examining'. Jeez.
I suppose I could entertain the notion if you are willing to. But I like to just plow through situations with strong intention and little thought. ;)
Oh my, can I move to Scotland with you? We can find a white-washed cottage.. Moving to Scotland has been a long-held dream of mine; tis the Scottish blood in me after all; that pines for the wide skies, tanglewoods, ancient trees that whisper as you move past them, crisp air, prickling skin in blackberry brambles, thick accents, warm ale...
b.c. - i really love what you said, and how you said it...though despite "loving my gusto, " it's sure damn easy to get, non? i really love and appreciate our relationship - i feel confident saying pretty much anything (which is totally dangerous, btw) and knowing you and i will hug and laugh at the end of the night.
"If you aren't 'feeling life' as you say, I'm feeling it for you and beside you..." This really moves me...
em- yes, yes, yes...i agree with all the descriptions but want a warm accent and a thick ale...think that can be done? :)
ah, well. i've not known you long, or even short, really, but i have been so challenged to become acquainted with just a few of the infinite layers of crm.
seeing how you dialogue with your friend bc is just yet another layer: parts of you are known and understood, but there is still more of you to be known and understood, even by such a close friend.
ah, the intrigue :)
thank you for setting the example of "being willing to explore" all aspects of self. how else will we know ourselves...how else can we truly share ourselves with others?
kjk-
i agree - it's intriguing to see how friends relate...and i hope you know that you have this gift for helping me go easy on myself. this is irreplaceable.
Well good grief.
Let me send you something! ANYTHING!!!
And to address the more serious topic of this post:
After the events of my weekend last, I take depression VERY seriously. More than ever, after reading BC's comments on this post, I'm so glad that you have he and Umber a mere 100 feet away.
I quite adore you and though you might feel that your light has gone out, I assure you it is very bright indeed.
Fire the psrink.
If it's a chemical thing, then a pill should've put you on the right track.
If the depression is something to be worked out and talked through then 2 yrs is a bit overdone. Get a second opinion... Don't take a referral from you current councilor. Find another on your own.
ummmm...
sean- i couldn't disagree with you more, but we are kind of getting used to that, no? :)
kjk - :). agreed.
"Why the fuck can't I just be rich and not have to worry about it? Here's my take. I started making a list of all the things I would do when I was super rich." -BC
Share the list... I'll share an anacdote about happy AND "monitarily rich" folk I know.
And of course it can be done.
I'm going to have to start my own blog soon. It just sounds like work though...
Why I'm mildly, clinically, adverbilly depressed and I love all that jewelry TOO! Let's be friends.
or, depression isn't so bad after all. maybe our soul needs seasons of depression the way one would depress fabric on a wound to stop the bleeding. maybe shutting down is sabbath; maybe embracing sincere weakness is a triumph of interminable strength.
maybe that ring would look better on me.
p.s. sean - even a fool when silent is considered wise, until he opens his mouth and relieves all doubt.
steph,
friend request accepted. :)
jmg,
hilarious fierce protector.
also, i think the difference now is that it doesn't feel like a season.
j'dore.
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