I've felt really stuck inside my head this last week.  Finally on Friday night, before Joel left for a long business trip, we had a meaningful conversation that drove me past my fear of communicating to him all the ways I was stuck, just terribly stuck.  In his normal unflappable manner, he assured me that not only were my thoughts acceptable, but that because of them, he found me more attractive than ever.  He then left, and I've been ruminating all weekend upon us.

That and baking, nesting, wandering around my neighborhood, talking with Jess, and trying to give my thoughts a reprieve.

In life, I am still surprised by how damn good it feels to express something to someone.  I have been seriously scared shitless to say some of those thoughts to Joel, asking hard and hurtful questions of our relationship and if he hadn't the internal strength to handle it, to handle whatever I can throw at him, I would be a lesser, sadder, broken-er version of myself.  He has buoyed me to a place of such confidence and love that I am now secure enough to doubt.  Lucky him.  In a way, it reminds me of my relationship with god (or whatever/if whatever). I've been given enough security that I can throw it away and know I'll still be caught.

Loved enough to question, strong enough to doubt.

But it doesn't feel very good, and I've been terribly hard on myself.  One thing I cannot seem to shake is the judgement of my feelings.  I cannot control how I feel and this eternally pisses me off.  I can control WHAT I do with how I feel, how I treat people with what I feel, but I do not possess the power to stop feeling what I feel - dark or otherwise.

So we are left with an internal battle, a viscous mental game of repression and anxiety.  I am slooooooowly learning that I need to just stop trying to control the feelings at all...my insides, my reactions to the world, my relationships, my heart.  I feel how I feel that that's just that.  I'm tired of asking hard questions, tired of being scared - but that's my reality right now.   I must have to learn to let it be, otherwise there will be no peace, and worse, no honest discovery, no pure answers.  We do not get to change how we feel.  I keep raging against this notion, and I'm getting very beat up in the process.

My insides quietly whisper, "Leave me alone."

Here's the front room...I am just over the moon about that glass!

Turn left to face north, and you'll see these curtains covering a floor-to-ceiling window.  The light in this place is divine.

Do an about face to the south, and you'll enjoy a view of the mantel.
We are toying with placing the TV in the fireplace, but for now...it's just a jumbly mess.


Little Miss Octavia is settling in more quickly than expected...though she is an now a hybrid outdoor/indoor kitty, we'll keep her inside for a week and then she can start to explore outside.  She's been rather frisky because she usually exerts quite a bit of energy outside...but she's literally a caged cat. Well, not literally.  But kind of.


A lovely kitchen scape, one to replace my favorite part of the trailer.


And the other kitchen windows.
I guess they'll do.
[smirk]


The view of the light cascading onto the bed (and unpacked shiz)
from my bedroom.  It has another (two) window(s).
[double smirk]


Here's an example of what happens when a girl packs way too late at night...after working 8 hours...when that girl is unaccustomed to the energy necessary to work again.  She forgets how to spell some of her favorite things, and then proceeds to use proper proofreading symbols to correct it.  On the box.
Sidenote: Don't you think jewels and letters make such a dreamy combination?

Well, this week I am only working a few days...so I'll be unpacking, sitting in this cafe until our internet gets installed, and soaking up the last week of leisure before it's back to work full time next week.

I'll be keeping you posted on the house and the state of my soul as I attempt to put into practice all my self-care tools without the free time to spare.  I think it's entirely possible, but I admit that I am daily swimming in a pool of fear...

And it may be all the surprising and shocking transitions of 2010
(learning that anything can happen at a moment's notice)
but I feel as if I am standing over a trap door, gasping for one more breath with every inhale,
as if it will be my last chance before I plunge into an abyss
and the floor falls out under me.
It's a dread...something making me feel like another transition (good or bad) is just around the corner.
That good news will be reneged.
That bad news will reoccur.

I am grabbing blindly for anything to hold that won't come crashing down with me.
Call it paranoia, call it portent,
or call it self-fulfilling prophesy,
I am just noticing a continual need to remind myself to
breath, stare at light, and get plenty of rest.
Plus,
Milk Duds.

The end.

I've been noticing how life-changing events can spiral one into self-doubt like nothing else.  As I scalded my skin in the shower this morning, I got to thinking about how confusing it can be for self-made, confident woman to suddenly find themselves thrown feet first into a viscous pool of self-doubt.  Just a few weeks ago, both my sister and I knew our purpose, knew our goals, knew our dreams. In a few short weeks, we both find ourselves wavering on the facts...what we thought we knew has been pulled out from underneath us and we are left on our asses looking around in panic, hoping no one saw.  The tail bone bruise hurts like a mother.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to expel self-doubt.  Sure it makes me vastly uncomfortable, but maybe doubt is nature's way of helping ourselves evolve.  Tragic surprises must change us, and if we weren't vulnerable in certain spots, how could we accept and make way for this change?  If we retain bravado all throughout the mourning process, how will we find new truths?  If we cling to our old understandings, how will we grab hold of the courage necessary to redefine our dreams in light of these grand changes?

Questioning ourselves is (I strongly feel) a human duty. Since three girls are living in the wake of another person's choices, it is my strongest desire to live even more intentionally, listening to all manner of voices inside and expressing them with honesty to the people I love...and if I can't to them, to a therapist or a journal.  It's really sad to think that so many relationships fall apart because someone couldn't turn to their partner and say, "I think I'm unhappy.  Let's talk." 

I realize those words are horrible to hear.

But never as horrible as the words, "It's over."

I've been kind of waiting for it to go away but since it's lingering, I suppose I shall extract it thus.  This aforementioned it is this gnawing, annoyingly cold-sore-like discontent that keeps distracting me from enjoying my life.  The little bits, the big bits, they both seem to be growing and swirling in the balloon-sized wine glass of my psyche...and the sulfites are giving me a headache.  Ensue rant:

it is such a temptation for me to talk myself out of how i feel based on the logic that i will no longer feel that particular way in a few hours, days, weeks. while i feel it is truly wise to have buckets and buckets of this truth, this perspective of the universe that our lives are but temporal in the grand scheme (i realize this does not comfort everyone), i really have to be careful to avoid persuading myself out of moods.

some might call this wallowing.
yep.

but what of my career? what of houses, babies, graduate school, marriage, money, photography, writing, mental health, spiritual questions, and fathers? these things, not so temporal.

and how can i possibly muster the energy to think on these things when i cannot even walk five blocks to the grocery store to pick up celery?!

and in these days, i feel, truly feel that life is sometimes just fucking impossible.
oh, and also, that having a uterus is a cruel, cruel joke.

but, since there is no getting around my week or uterus, i have comforted myself with a bottle of 2008 Chilean savignon blanc in the afternoon. also, i am going to attempt some ridiculous baking feat, because that is just how crazy i feel. muuuaah.