Musings of a Mum: 16 Weeks
February 21, 2012
February 21, 2012 Candace Morris 3 Comments
Dear Baby Femme Star
(or Starla as your Aunt Kelly affectionately teases),
This week has been many weeks converging into one. We said goodbye to Red, we said hello to Aunt Umberdove. I felt awesome and then suddenly horrible again. When I read some information about your growth stage, I was informed that you will be doubling in length and weight in the coming weeks, and now I realize why I am wildly ravenous all the time and sleeeeeeepy all of the other time.
The passage of time is strange. Your Dad and I were just watching a documentary on time - what is it? I think of it in relation to you, how this pregnancy has already felt so long, how much longer I truly have to go, and how I will feel like it was a flash in the pan upon looking back at it. Nostalgia can be so neat and tidy, wrapping up memories in ribbons and warming our hearts with only tidbits of reality.
Surprisingly enough, I am learning a lot about other people through carrying you. Apparently, there is a standard regarding how a woman should feel during pregnancy. My love, as much as I've tried - I simply haven't felt Gaia surging through my being, I feel very little other than terrible impatience for this bodily ordeal to be over and to just meet you. I am not glowing, I am not elated, I cannot seem to find a way to accurately express myself in maternity clothes (and personal style is very important to your mamma) and I dread the upcoming weight-gain, but I am still pregnant - and thank the heavens that enjoying or not enjoying the process does not disqualify me from having you. Though I hope to uncover some of this Mother Earth connectedness and privilege of bringing forth life, I am not going to judge myself any more if it never surfaces - despite people's insensitive censures. Life lesson, little lady - you cannot control how you feel, you can only control your judgments of those feelings. People telling me that I should enjoy pregnancy or that they "loved being pregnant!" doesn't mean that is how my story will unfold. I am still and ever learning to LET.ME.BE. As it is, so it goes. I hope to model this for you, for no human ever benefited from judging themselves severely. A healthy human walks the fine line between personal analysis and gentle self-improvement.
Another theme that emerged this week was the notion of suffering. As I drove on the 520 bridge, agasp with the view of the sun on the smooth water, I acutely felt the suffering of Jessica and losing her this week. I wondered about how I would nurture you through your first confrontation with a friend, your first heart-break, and any other inevitable suffering you might encounter. I though of a parent saying to their child in justification of unsolicited advice and lack of support, "I just don't want to see you get hurt!" and wondered if it is indeed a parent's job to keep their child from suffering, and hell - if it's even possible. I don't want to keep you from any lesson the cosmos has to teach you, but my own being will surely break in two to see you in pain. I want my presence in your life to be just enough support. I heard this a while back from cousin Amy - a good goal is to offer "just enough" support to our offspring. Too much and a child will never be independent enough to make it on its own, too little and the child will not have enough confidence to venture out. Many people disagree with this notion, finding it somehow withholding, but I don't. I find it soulful and I trust that it means I step out of the picture instead of creating a child who will always need me - because we will inevitably part.
We will be a strong family unit. Not because you made us one, but because you are entering into one. I sincerely hope you like it - but it's not a requirement.
Oh also, if you think of it, could you please stop pounding on my head? Thanks so much. I promise to keep feeding you all the pineapple you are requiring.
Musings of a Scientist:
Dear Humankind's Future,
I would like to make a deposit. Do you have any envelopes?
The baby belly stats: 36"
What I've learned
February 16, 2012
February 16, 2012 Candace Morris 1 Comments
My eyes already touch the sunny hill.
going far ahead of the road I have begun.
So we are grasped by what we cannot grasp;
it has inner light, even from a distance -
and charges us, even if we do not reach it,
into something else, which, hardly sensing it,
we already are; a gesture waves us on
answering our own wave...
but what we feel is the wind in our faces.
I've learned many things from my Red. To name a few:
- The availability of a friend can be equally comforting as the words they might say.
- There are so many different ways to live a life. No one is more correct than the other.
- There is nothing better than the sound of a cork popping at 11am.
- The pace of the cook is just as important as what you cook. Pour yourself wine, turn on music, spend time omitting love and care into the food and it will do the same for you.
- Never give up hope on someone, no matter how badly they may treat you or how flippantly they may hold your love.
- Flirting with service staff gets you free wine. Copious cleavage helps too.
- Believe confidently that how you naturally love others is enough, even if they complain otherwise.
- A messy room can be cathartic.
- People first. Always people first.
- Wear scarves as shirts and skirts as dresses.
- In the name of love, learn to speak another soul's language.
- Women need other women.
- Self-deception is despicable.
- Everyone is on their own journey, and it is up to them to do the work. Walk alongside whilst both working hard, but never, ever do the work for them.
She's in the arms of her mother today and soon we will also say goodbye to her husband, who owns another chamber of my heart - it's really rather sectioned-out, this beating beast in my chest. It seems to keep getting bigger and bigger. One who is well loved is one who loves well. Until we are all loved-well, we must extend relentless patience and compassion to others.
And so we are grasped by what we cannot grasp,
How we celebrated...
February 15, 2012
February 15, 2012 Candace Morris 1 Comments
Afterward, we went to the store for these. To be fair, I did try to find a fresh cupcake, but the store was COMPLETELY picked over. So I opted for these totally disgusting and indulgent hostess cupcakes. Sometimes I find it disturbing how I crave junk for celebrations, but then I just accept my white trash upbringing and enjoy horrible, deliciously bad food - but only occasionally. Truth be told, I will probably throw the rest of the box away as I am feeling quite guilty for supporting Hostess.
We then went home and fell asleep watching Star Trek. We loved it.
Musings of a Mum: 15 Weeks
February 13, 2012
February 13, 2012 Candace Morris 4 Comments
February 09, 2012
February 09, 2012 Candace Morris 3 Comments
Musings of a Mum: 14 Weeks
February 06, 2012
February 06, 2012 Candace Morris 1 Comments
February 02, 2012
February 02, 2012 Candace Morris 5 Comments
I'm just going to wander through them for a bit and pray I don't bleed to death:
Sure, I am in the thick of it. But I have never felt this peaceful before.
Bonjour & welcome
Saint Theresa newly adorns my green room. I'm in love with a new muscle T-shirt I found second-hand. I showed them to her last week wh...
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