commenting on the mean.

July 14, 2008 candacemorris 9 Comments

a funny, funny thing happened this weekend via the blog. upon returning from a very social and highly energetic weekend for me (of which i may/may not have over 400 pictures - soon to come; i am sorry, but i am an addict), i plop down at the old machine to catch up on 53 emails - some of which included blog comments.


i deleted it because it's just poor form.
and it's just so silly because i always welcome disagreement, rhetoric, banter - aka, nothing short of a good bloody boxing match of the minds, but honestly...

nothing excuses such contemptible and unbecoming behavior.

it said something to the effect of me trying to be too weird and/or esoteric and that i was very self-involved and such. but obviously i am entertaining enough for this person to read...and oh golly how i WISH TO THE GODS that i could be NOT weird and NOT esoteric (for your edification, b/c it's on the GRE test, missy! Esoteric knowledge is that which is available only to a narrow circle of "enlightened", "initiated", or specially educated people.)

I was thinking all weekend that I was just such a strange gal - very weird and odd and oh so freaking different - and these thoughts I do not wear glamorously - but instead with the frustration of an unmanageable dunce cap.

Ironically enough, I would much rather feel a bit more normal these days. But instead I constantly feel like this introverted, asexual, irritable, condescending freak of a woman. So for this mean person to use his words so ill (and words are so close- they can sting like nothing else. I would prefer a slap, scratch, bite, or yank of hair any damn day) towards me was a bit shocking. All of this to say that I need not fabricate WEIRDNESS. Rest assured, it's really quite organic for me.

BUT ALAS, the frustration shows me another way to measure some self-growth (how self-involved of me - oh wait - IT'S A BLOG ABOUT ME). Before - the unhealthy (ier) candace would have allowed these words to sting for days, weeks, even months before she could grab her words by the reins and get back on that writing wagon - and NOW, as in yesterday's example, they only stay with me for a couple of hours.

Those hours passed, and with the most cleansing shower of my year (4 days w/o will make a girls toes very black indeed), I felt the ugly sting of the words surface up from my soul and leek out through my skin.

just
like
that.

and despite the sharpness of this person's words, which will always remain - i will indeed glory in this thicker skin.