"What can I say except that it's Christmas and we're all in misery."

Helen Griswold

I almost always wake up the day after Christmas with a mixed bag of relief and disillusionment.  After a long debriefing phone call this morning with Jackie, my favorite mother of four and who swears that December 26 is the best day of the year, I have spent some time unpacking the post-Christmas hangover.  

As I wander about the quiet house, picking up scraps of wrapping paper and peeling tape off the bottom of my slippers, I ask...what is the motivation for the commercial aspect of Christmas?  Why do I buy gifts for people?  I send gifts to kids who seriously do not need another present, so why bother?  Is it obligation, and if so, is this obligation soulless?  As I ponder raising a child, I am trying to imagine ways to give her a well-rounded Christmas experience outside of a frenzy of gifts that make her greedy for more and more and more.  

I want her to know magical evenings looking at the fire and listening to carols and watching snowfall.  

I want her to find giddy pleasure in twinkle lights.

I want her to ponder the cultural significance of the Christ story.

I want her to contemplate the love and goodness in her life.

I want her to know how deeply satisfying it is to do something for someone else.

I want her to believe in all the magic the season has to offer.

I want her to know the moving story of the gift Gpa bought for Gma when they were newlyweds and had no money.

I want her to listen for reindeer. 

I want her to dream about peppermint candies and whipped cream and hot chocolate.

I want her to know the security that there will always be something for her to open on Christmas morning, that she will never be hungry or cold.

I don't want to demonize gifts or the awesome feeling of tons of presents.  But any time, as with any aspect of life, if balance isn't restored, the meaning behind our actions and traditions will be lost.

And we all know what a meaning whore I am.

So what are gifts for?  What part do they play in Christmas?  For me, I send these gifts to my nephews and nieces (who don't need another gift by any means) because I want them to know their Aunt Candi.  I want them to know how I regret not being in their daily lives.  I want them to look back on birthdays and holidays and remember that Aunt Candi, even though she was far away and could have easily forgotten and they wouldn't have noticed, always remembered and celebrated.

They are an intimate gesture, hopefully an entirely selfless one, of "I know you of old" and nothing feels better than the reciprocity of intimacy from someone you have poured your precious one life into loving...that they indeed know and love you back.  They are intended to bring joy, wonder, surprise   They are there to fulfill a need, to remove another item from someone's 'to do' list.  They are way to express support, to say I love you, therefore I love what you love by spending my precious time and hard-earned money to learn about your interests and get you something you would like in an effort to remind you of the secure and certain place you and only you hold in my heart. They are there to encourage your sister whose life has been inordinately hard the past few years.  They are there to soften an old man's hard heart because he lost his wife to cancer.  They are given to remind your best friend to take care of herself. They are there to tell your daughter that your life isn't the same when she's away at college and you are so glad she's home.  They are there to restore a clergyman's teetering faith because someone was listening to his homilys all those Sundays to give generously and love unquestioningly.  They are given to tell your wife that all the hours at the office were only and always for her. They are a bridge between a brother and sister who have never understood each other.  They are there to make your over-worked father laugh. They are a lesson to your niece that imagination is her best friend.  They provide a way for a man to say to his brother and best friend, "I've missed you!"

Yes, we could say all of these things to the people we love, but I think presents express for us what we have no words to say.  There is a difference between telling your niece to pretend to be a prima ballerina and buying her a tutu to do just that.  Gifts are tangible, solid gold love.

Gifts bring into strong focus the people in our lives, the people we look at and interact with and have baggage with, but with whom we often forget to truly see in the murk of daily life. Our lover who we would commit to all over again in a heartbeat.  Our friends who guide us toward self-forgiveness and kindness.  Our pets and children who break down our calloused, protected hearts and make us into saps.  Our parents who break their backs to connect with us - even if it doesn't always work.  Our siblings who travel to us, text us, Skype us, and email us in order to make sure the relationship stays strong.  Our grandparents who have hugged us harder than anyone in our whole lives.  Our coworkers who sneak into our hearts and become friends that make you laugh and think.  Our postman who carries our business daily.   Our barista who happily makes our Americano.  Our massage therapist who helps your body heal itself.

But how can we spend the necessary time and money on people if our holiday seasons are too busy?  Aren't the activities of this season supposed to be fun and not stressful?  I am reflecting today on how I can make my holidays even more simple, more soulful.  I think the answer lies in the art of saying no.

All I want for Christmas is peace.  

Make it so,

The saint and I spent Christmas in quiet.  I realized throughout the day how rare it is that one gets to do exactly as one wants to do on holidays. We will pull out the big guns with our family Christmas this coming weekend, but actual Christmas was sleepy, full of randomly wrapped stocking stuffers, cinnamon rolls, lots of movies, google tv for the saint and two amazing etsy purchases for me (a gorgeous messenger bag and a tailored-to-me black tuxedo jacket)! and a walk to the pub because suddenly we didn't feel like preparing the big dinner I had planned.  Truly, all I wanted was a contented mind, to allow the angst of the year to subside, to hear my soul resonate deeply with the stillness of the day, that all was at peace with me and I was at peace with all.  I believe I even asked Santa for a good mood.  Thanks, Fatty Clause.  Seems simple, but good moods aren't easy to come by (without vodka) and I'm not taking them for granted.

My sister placed our pastie ornament on the wreath outside this year.

Why?
 Because everyone needs a little something irreverent mixed in with the traditional.
It makes me laugh every time I open the door.

Now if you would like to know WHY I have an velvet pasty ornament, that is simply unexplainable.

Happy Merry Making!

What do you think this one is?


I love little things that combine into a feeling of overall magic.  Jillian's tree contest, my owl ornaments from Kelly, wonderful conversations over dinner with Devon, December Nights photo group, getting together for Niki's mole, wrapping presents, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, drinking mimosas, the dollar store outing for stocking stuffers, etc, etc etc

What are your little things?

UPDATE:
After I wrote this post, I was informed that Joel does, in fact, NOT participate in the giving of clues.  Apparently it's a tradition I made up all by myself to keep that sucker from guessing all his presents like a smart ass.  God, I love him.

Happy Christmas, my holiday elfs.

One of the things I love about Christmas (provided I've granted myself enough time and funds) is the gift-giving.  I love spending time thinking about the inner-workings of another living soul, what it must be like to BE them, what kinds of things give their life meaning and pleasure, and how to express to them my admiration and affection.  

Recently, the saint and I were talking about how to find ways to prioritize each other in this phase of life.  The longer we are married, the harder it seems to be.  Marriage is so strange, don't you think?  It becomes second nature to see a person every day, to know their foibles, tastes, jokes, pain.  We must put forth a continual effort to infuse the relationship with novelty.  One of the things we bemused about was writing.  We almost never write each other and yet written words (or any positive words) are the way I receive love.  

This all got me to thinking about gifts of the soul.  Maybe you've heard of the 5 love languages...a theory that we are all built to receive love in a specific way and give love in a specific way (often, these are two different things).  I have known for some time that I receive love through positive affirmation or words of encouragement.  Joel receives love through physical touch and it's interesting to see how this has played out in our dynamic.  If we fight, the way he knows we are recovered is if I touch his knee or hug him.  Oppositely, if we can again speak peacefully or give each other compliments, I feel comforted and ready to move past the conflict.  

Similarly, my best friend Jackie has recently been reminding me of these love languages.  She has been trying to find ways to discover how to love her family  (3 children and husband) as they would receive it best.  I love talking with her about each of them, observing her observing them is really quite amazing.  It takes a rather big heart to decide to extend love not as naturally as it might come to your own giving language, but to extend love how those on the other end will most deeply internalize it.  

I am serious when I say that if everyone decided to forgo giving me gifts this year and in its place wrote me a letter about their lives or their daily details or anything at all...how that would make me feel like I could conquer the world.  This got me to thinking about how I give...and what would make my friends/family really KNOW how much I care for them.

I write to you fireside this quiet eventide.  The saint and I both recline with hot tea and our feet sharing a stool, laptopping to our heart's gluttonous content.  I feel a snack inclination and I imagine we'll head into the media room to continue 30-Rocking here soon, but I wanted to share my greetings.  I truly must have the most blessed life, for my advent seasons are not very stressful (I'm gathering it's because we are very much still the children in our family and don't do a whole lot of work to pull of Christmas).  Joel and I always do our own thing on some random day, and it's full of tradition all our own.   I feel proud to have our family firmly established in these joys before we actually procreate.  

Let's move on, shall we?

For the entire month of January, I would like to invite you to participate with me as I take photographs and share them.  The theme will be "Daily Bread"...that which brings us nourishment...be it bread, beer, or bologna...I want you to take a picture of any meal or food or drink or snack with the intention of honoring that which nourishes your physical body throughout the day.  This group shall be silly and serious, meaningful and light-hearted, professional and casual.  

Please go HERE if you would like to join...

Rules for "DAILY BREAD"

Also, in case you are curious, the blog community I follow

has been doing these photo gatherings for quite some time...

you can see them HERE, HERE, and HERE.

we've managed to scrape some pennies together and afford a few more branches.

Happy Christmas, buggers.