on gifts
One of the things I love about Christmas (provided I've granted myself enough time and funds) is the gift-giving. I love spending time thinking about the inner-workings of another living soul, what it must be like to BE them, what kinds of things give their life meaning and pleasure, and how to express to them my admiration and affection.
Recently, the saint and I were talking about how to find ways to prioritize each other in this phase of life. The longer we are married, the harder it seems to be. Marriage is so strange, don't you think? It becomes second nature to see a person every day, to know their foibles, tastes, jokes, pain. We must put forth a continual effort to infuse the relationship with novelty. One of the things we bemused about was writing. We almost never write each other and yet written words (or any positive words) are the way I receive love.
This all got me to thinking about gifts of the soul. Maybe you've heard of the 5 love languages
...a theory that we are all built to receive love in a specific way and give love in a specific way (often, these are two different things). I have known for some time that I receive love through positive affirmation or words of encouragement. Joel receives love through physical touch and it's interesting to see how this has played out in our dynamic. If we fight, the way he knows we are recovered is if I touch his knee or hug him. Oppositely, if we can again speak peacefully or give each other compliments, I feel comforted and ready to move past the conflict.
...a theory that we are all built to receive love in a specific way and give love in a specific way (often, these are two different things). I have known for some time that I receive love through positive affirmation or words of encouragement. Joel receives love through physical touch and it's interesting to see how this has played out in our dynamic. If we fight, the way he knows we are recovered is if I touch his knee or hug him. Oppositely, if we can again speak peacefully or give each other compliments, I feel comforted and ready to move past the conflict. Similarly, my best friend Jackie has recently been reminding me of these love languages. She has been trying to find ways to discover how to love her family (3 children and husband) as they would receive it best. I love talking with her about each of them, observing her observing them is really quite amazing. It takes a rather big heart to decide to extend love not as naturally as it might come to your own giving language, but to extend love how those on the other end will most deeply internalize it.
I am serious when I say that if everyone decided to forgo giving me gifts this year and in its place wrote me a letter about their lives or their daily details or anything at all...how that would make me feel like I could conquer the world. This got me to thinking about how I give...and what would make my friends/family really KNOW how much I care for them.
Otherwise, I don't really see the point to gifts at all.
8 comments:
Hi- I've been following your blog for some time. I think I found you via Jillian or Kelly. I don't think I've ever commented, but this was just such a touching, insightful, and beautiful post that I had to pop in and say hello and thank you!
candace, love this! i love giving meaningful gifts, and thus, i tend to really love christmas. my biggest frustration around this time of year is those people on our gift exchange list for whom i have zero ideas.
the end of this post particularly gave words to my feelings -- the point is to show how much you care about someone, and a meaningless gift is quite pointless.
since you mentioned words are your primary way to receive love, let me take the time to tell you - thank you. i so appreciate your transparency. thank you for calling a spade a spade. sometimes life sucks, and sometimes it's grand. ebbs and flows are normal, and yet, too often we try to convince ourselves they aren't. your honesty is always a good reminder to me that the good and the bad are both a part of life, and i'm not the only one going through any part of it.
merry merry christmas to you and joel!
I had not heard of the book but it makes sense, to each one something different is prized and meaningful....I don't mind receiving gifts, in fact, I encourage my husband to go all out but he doesn't : ) he is on to me, and knows that I am not so much into gifts as I am into time spent together joking and laughing and playing...May you receive your gifts in whatever form you desire Candace xoxo
I love how in tune you are with your needs, that you don't let life wash over them, and that you expect the same for those who are dear to you. I admire you for this. You are a special person for others to have in their life. xx
this is lovely, and you my dear are quite stunning both inside and out.
Hope your holiday season has been and will continue to be wonderful :)
xo
the fundamentals around life and love.
i couldn't agree with more.
pen to paper,
-lu
Guess I'll take back those Prada boots I got you.
hee hee j/k
Love!
Such timely and appropriate commentary Candace... as is your norm.
Thank you for being my inspirational go-to, whether you realize it or not. Your posts provide a certain plumb-line an often neglected part of myself. The word-loving, cocktail-loving (so THAT part isn't as neglected), conversation-loving, reality-facing, thought-challenging, femeninity-expressing, can-do SELF!
May your holiday season be full of deep love, rich conversation, hearty laughter, warm feelings, many beverages, and peace.
Merry Christmas.
Mary-Alice
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