upon a rather "something" rant.

August 05, 2009 Candace Morris 8 Comments

it is such a temptation for me to talk myself out of how i feel based on the logic that i will no longer feel that particular way in a few hours, days, weeks. while i feel it is truly wise to have buckets and buckets of this truth, this perspective of the universe that our lives are but temporal in the grand scheme (i realize this does not comfort everyone), i really have to be careful to avoid persuading myself out of moods.

some might call this wallowing.
yep.

i suppose that if you are the kind of person that finds wallowing to be among the 7-deadly sins, than perhaps you would advise that i surround myself with positivism, adjust my negative attitude, pull myself up by the bootstraps and just make myself feel better, damn it.

but at what cost? if these "moooods" are so continually battled, what part of myself is being severed? all of this simply so i can go about my day and feel better, feel productive, feel useful? i agree that to feel better, productive, and useful are important emotions, but are they much more important than to feel worse, unproductive, and unused? why do we persuade ourselves out of moods? it's NEVER made sense to me. "i am going to now talk myself out of feeling angry at my husband because it is not acceptable nor helpful to our relationship, plus it will freak the kids out." speaking from a somewhat narcissist perspective (in that only 1 person is really overly affected by my moodiness, and i don't have to deal with hiding myself for a more appropriate time so my kids feel more secure), i realize that not every single emotion needs full reign when it presents, but i also think there is something truly cauterizing about simply deciding that how we feel is unacceptable and doing any and everything to just get out of that mood.

i do not want to cauterize my soul. i have done this enough, dears, and the work at the other end of it is the steepest of uphill battles.

le sigh.

it's been one of those weeks where peeling hard boiled eggs turns into the most frustrating task OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. where you slice one piece of coconut cake and two seconds later it promptly falls onto the carpet (with tiny pieces of coconut everywhere). you then pick it up to throw away and miss the garbage can. it mocks you in a big splat on the kitchen floor. you reach for a paper towel, and in your frustration manage to pull the entire roll of paper towels from its rack.

also, did i mention? you have ABSOLUTELY.NOTHING.TO.WEAR. and you are the fatest person alive?

these things are temporal.
how i realize this.

but what of my career? what of houses, babies, graduate school, marriage, money, photography, writing, mental health, spiritual questions, and fathers? these things, not so temporal.

and how can i possibly muster the energy to think on these things when i cannot even walk five blocks to the grocery store to pick up celery?!

and in these days, i feel, truly feel that life is sometimes just fucking impossible.
oh, and also, that having a uterus is a cruel, cruel joke.

but, since there is no getting around my week or uterus, i have comforted myself with a bottle of 2008 Chilean savignon blanc in the afternoon. also, i am going to attempt some ridiculous baking feat, because that is just how crazy i feel. muuuaah.

the end.




*i am sure i won't feel this way tomorrow, so please disregard me.**



**that was sarcastic.

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