i suppose that if you are the kind of person that finds wallowing to be among the 7-deadly sins, than perhaps you would advise that i surround myself with positivism, adjust my negative attitude, pull myself up by the bootstraps and just make myself feel better, damn it.

but at what cost? if these "moooods" are so continually battled, what part of myself is being severed? all of this simply so i can go about my day and feel better, feel productive, feel useful? i agree that to feel better, productive, and useful are important emotions, but are they much more important than to feel worse, unproductive, and unused? why do we persuade ourselves out of moods? it's NEVER made sense to me. "i am going to now talk myself out of feeling angry at my husband because it is not acceptable nor helpful to our relationship, plus it will freak the kids out." speaking from a somewhat narcissist perspective (in that only 1 person is really overly affected by my moodiness, and i don't have to deal with hiding myself for a more appropriate time so my kids feel more secure), i realize that not every single emotion needs full reign when it presents, but i also think there is something truly cauterizing about simply deciding that how we feel is unacceptable and doing any and everything to just get out of that mood.


it's been one of those weeks where peeling hard boiled eggs turns into the most frustrating task OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE. where you slice one piece of coconut cake and two seconds later it promptly falls onto the carpet (with tiny pieces of coconut everywhere). you then pick it up to throw away and miss the garbage can. it mocks you in a big splat on the kitchen floor. you reach for a paper towel, and in your frustration manage to pull the entire roll of paper towels from its rack.

also, did i mention? you have ABSOLUTELY.NOTHING.TO.WEAR. and you are the fatest person alive?

these things are temporal.
how i realize this.

i needed an escape. i took a green drive. it rained. it cried. everything was wrong. allison goldfrapp'ed me into her bosom and made it better.


now, it's later. i am sitting in one of my favorite spots in all of eternity - my in-law's. (strange? you have to meet them to understand). The boys are playing some Tri-Ominos, I sit and gaze at this dreamy new cookbook my lovely devon gave me as a housewarming present...mmmmm, the food of france. the book could never be as lovely as my devon, but it's a damn fine present. what should i cook, my pets? how about some cauliflower soup? crepes suzette? maybe a light salade nicoise?


friends, it's hard to keep writing when what's inside feels unacceptable or unbeneficial to share. i want to do it anyway, because i really need it. so i guess... sorry, my loves, but this is for me. this one i am saving for my achy soul today. how i long for the release of soul that comes from the sweet sound of pressy keys and the scribble of pen to parchment.

for some of the first times in my life...i know it. i know anger.

it
feels
cleansing.

i guess
f
i
r
e
does
that
to
you.


some weekend highlights to share:

• thomas street bistro. yes, it's on my street. joel and i are 2 for 2 on hoorah restaurants within walking distance of our abode. a shift in some really upsetting friday energy came in the form of a random $400 bonus that joel came home with....with accolades from his job. he then treated me to a meal out (a rather scary portion of income goes to our dining experiences, she confesses sheepishly). we lazed over a 3 hr meal, four courses, a bottle of wine, and fabulously cute frenchman telling us cute stories about his provencial town. we then meanderd round about ways to our house, stopping at an ivy-COVERED brick building that joel was very tempted to ascend. once we got home, we enjoyed a rousing game of boogle, and despite your guesses that i would win (due to my superb wordsmithery), we were tied.
  
  

• my baby sister-in-law, julie had her bridal shower. as with most women in relationships where they are loved, she continues to grow ever lovleier and more whole.
• an amazing saturday night meal with jason and devon. joel was very on his game and his cooking skills wowed us all. it felt so right to host our first dinner in the new place, and joel and i keep saying how much we love our home. we then took a midnight walk, the four of us, through our urban jungle and explored some gardens, mansions, and hanging ives and arbols. i found a tree that even now, one day later, is calling me...it muse that it will be my summer haven, my solstice where painting, reading, cloud watching, and grape eating will commence.