Writing away the knots

August 12, 2012 candacemorris 2 Comments

I woke up this morning, wait no. That isn't entirely accurate. I should begin with when the sun was up and I opened my eyes, not knowing if I had slept for 30 minutes or 3 hours, I noticed there were significantly more knots in my soul than when I went to bed. We had a particularly hard night, and the lack of sleep combined with a healthy portion of feelings of incapacity made it all twist up and suffocate my qi.

I cannot tell you how many times I've pepped-talked others with the very same words I needed this morning. So, I wrote them down so they could burn into my brain today, burrowing their truth into my soul's knots, working to unravel them like a plumber in a hair-filled drain.

I could say that no one told me I would feel this way as a new mother, but that would be a lie. I fully knew things would be hard, but I keep looking over my shoulder for the teacher to catch me doing something I shouldn't and chide me. Similarly, I keep looking around, wide-eyed, wondering where the instructor has gone. I know the results I want, and I can even tell you how to get them. But suddenly, I look at Bowie and I am more unsure than ever of my resolve. I am checking out books for instructions and trying to find time to research ways to inform ourselves, to gain any level of confidence and knowledge on the subject, but I have to say - there is so much SHIT advice out there. Theories I don't agree with, decisions to be made, people to nod at and ignore. In essence, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong in some vague manner. One person says, "Do whatever you need to do to enjoy your daughter." Another says, "Oh you really shouldn't do that - it's best for the baby if..."

But I don't logically believe there IS a wrong way to raise a newborn, for the most part. And if I know that to be true, I also know that I cannot possibly be doing everything poorly. But how to convince my soul to release these knots so I can go about my new life feeling good and peaceful?

And here is the question lying in the mud, staring me in the face. I know this place, it's an old question re-demanding an answer for this new life.

"How do I transfer something I KNOW to be true into FEELING the truth of it?"
My answer then might be my answer still today.