los ultimos dias con la playa

February 13, 2009 Candace Morris 5 Comments

we just returned from the four hour trip back from Manzanillo. we stayed in an all-inclusive resort for one night and dears, i left my heart on that coast. combine free booze, tons of food, perfect weather, swim up bars, the sounds of waves out my window, and parents footing the bill and you have a very contento candace.

tomorrow, i return to the states.
it will be hard to de-spanish my brain once again, as i have been thinking and dreaming in spanish this week.

my writing feels like my skin.
warm, but weathered.

tomorrow holds:
  • a two hour drive to airport
  • two 3 hour flights
  • arrival at 9pm to my lovers' arms, only to drive back to the airport and drop him off the next morning for a work trip.
i am looking forward to a new chapter of my life, but i am still so anxious and scared. i kind of thought being away physically from the fear would keep me emotionally distanced as well. i should have known better; Emerson warned me of that not three weeks ago. he said that despite all the beauty and benefit of travel, one thing prevails. YOU. you can never leave yourself behind...and so you will find that staring at the Sistine chapel, the Mediterranean, or hagia sophia - that your fears are still there.

and so i know i should turn around and address the fear.
it has always been my strong-suit - to run into the fire...

but this time i seem to lack the faith.
and instead of a path i know is marked for me,
i see a turned back, another abandonment, and again,
here i am.
forced to make my own destiny.
and tonight,

i resent it.

in a moment of weakness,
(mexico pictures to come this week).

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