how i survived the end of my paycheck and other such stories

February 08, 2009 candacemorris 4 Comments

Thursday, my last day as an executive assistant and office manager, was perhaps one of the worst days i have ever had in that office. i was laid off on monday, one full week before my termination date, so i had plenty of time to prepare. throughout the week, leading up to my last day, i was scared and shocked, but never once did i feel paralyzed by rejection.

until thursday.
for some reason, i was cross, sore, wounded by the preposterous notion that this office would run successfully without me. to make matters worse, i was required [last minute] to train another in several of my duties which was humiliating and frustrating...knowing they would have to be retrained anyway at a later date...why was i being subjected to this?

adding insult to injury... earlier in the week, i had crafted a 35 point list of duties that would be expected to be completed at any given time. when i first completed that list, i was so empowered, realizing all i do, how important i was. however, on thursday, i went over those duties with a few people and the overwhelmingly cavalier treatment of my work ("oh! no problem...so-and-so can do that...") injured me to the point of tears.

at several points in the day, i had to slip into a shadowed empty office and let my tears roll incautiously down my exhausted face. my mother sent a particularly touching email, detailing how she was going to (unexpectedly, to me) spoil me on my upcoming trip to Mexico. To be so important to her that day hit just the right unimportance i had felt all morning. I wept almost every time I was alone that day.

I wanted to run home and hide. Introverts despise exposure of any kind, and I especially struggle with it in relation to being new at a job or leaving a job.

But come 4pm, and the best part of my day ensued. The small office I work for (which had nothing to do with my layoff and which also will be the most inconvenienced by it) took me out for beers. They presented me with a card and bottle of Glennfiddich 12. I was touched and buzzed just enough to be able to loose my fear of exposure, and just enjoy their company. I tell you, people are never so beautiful as when you never have to see them again. :) (Nah, I really liked these guys).

Joel and I then went off to taste some port at our favorite local wine shop and enjoyed a quiet evening. Despite tears lulling me to sleep (at this point it was the fear of falling into another depression due to loss of structure/routine), I new/know that this change is good. Unfortunately, knowing something is good for you doesn't make it any easier to swallow (think bitter brussel sprouts).
Since then, I have known great affection in those who care for me. Tonight, I am especially moved by one long-lost friend from high school that i recently reconnected with. She sent me such a humbling card with not only Rilke's words (i will cling to), but hers. I am touched that something as minute as this can illicit such compassion from my dears.