through the thinking glass
i have been thinking more and more of the necessity of catharsis, cleansing, extractions, and purging. perhaps inspired my annie dillard in pilgrim at tinker creek, i am clinging to many visual images of meditation and any ideas on how to handle the incessant flow of thoughts that i cannot seem to quiet.
i have a deep and active inner thought life. most of what i feel, think, believe, and vent about happens internally - and unless i feel talkative (enter wine), tend to shy from purging myself to other people. an introvert's typical error - repression, repression, repression.
perhaps that's why therapy is necessary for me - a purging of ruminations that get stuck on the crevices burrowed deep and jagged on the inside of my cavernous soul.
so i have an idea.
and of course, it's a list.
but i was thinking...what if weekly i actually entertain every single train of thought in my journaling and purge, purge, purge. every relationship, every concern, every detail i need to plan, every.single.thing that is demanding my attention.
i mean, maybe part of this painful season for me is simply because i am, well -
emotionally stopped-up.
psychologically constipated.
i need to prattle incessantly to my pages.
they were once trees.
so i guess i too can sit in the presence of mother nature,
and she receives me well.
she set them aside only for me and my words.
ever since i had this idea, i jump with anticipation and excitement - though i know it will take up like 18 pages - i feel like i am going to excuse all the mundane details and just write it. i don't know when i will attempt this feat of wrist endurance, but i will be sure to keep you posted on the experiment. will the total emptying only reveal more thought or will it buy me some much-needed mental relief and quiet (even just for a moment)?
so in typical candace fashion, i attempt to grasp something unattainable by dominating it with what i do best. structure.
i have a deep and active inner thought life. most of what i feel, think, believe, and vent about happens internally - and unless i feel talkative (enter wine), tend to shy from purging myself to other people. an introvert's typical error - repression, repression, repression.
perhaps that's why therapy is necessary for me - a purging of ruminations that get stuck on the crevices burrowed deep and jagged on the inside of my cavernous soul.
so i have an idea.
and of course, it's a list.
but i was thinking...what if weekly i actually entertain every single train of thought in my journaling and purge, purge, purge. every relationship, every concern, every detail i need to plan, every.single.thing that is demanding my attention.
i mean, maybe part of this painful season for me is simply because i am, well -
emotionally stopped-up.
psychologically constipated.
i need to prattle incessantly to my pages.
they were once trees.
so i guess i too can sit in the presence of mother nature,
and she receives me well.
she set them aside only for me and my words.
ever since i had this idea, i jump with anticipation and excitement - though i know it will take up like 18 pages - i feel like i am going to excuse all the mundane details and just write it. i don't know when i will attempt this feat of wrist endurance, but i will be sure to keep you posted on the experiment. will the total emptying only reveal more thought or will it buy me some much-needed mental relief and quiet (even just for a moment)?
so in typical candace fashion, i attempt to grasp something unattainable by dominating it with what i do best. structure.
c'est la vie,
crm
truth must dazzle gradually
or every man be blind
[e. dickinson]
or every man be blind
[e. dickinson]
(p.s. would love any advise or thoughts on how you quiet your stream of thought...)
6 comments:
i'm TERRIBLE at overthinking things in my head before actually addressing them. and then by the time i address them i end up getting WAY too emotional and blowing them out of proportion. i'm an extrovert by nature but that bit of me is a little introverted i guess. like i told you before, i'm pretty open about most things in my life but there are a few things that i have to really think about before i talk about them. and then i fuck it up. but anyway, for me, i find that the more exercise i get the quieter my head is. this may just be a fix for me personally, but i find it really really works. (mostly because the more exercise i get, the more endorphins there are floating around in my bloodstream and therefore the less likely i am to be upset about anything in my life.) so this is why i dress up every morning like a crazy bag lady in too much fleece and take my big stupid loveable doggy out for a jog no matter how chilly the weather! hope you have a good monday lady.
I can never seem to quiet my thoughts either, it keeps me from falling asleep, that's when it's the worst! I've been doing writing therapy for a year which is mainly for the purpose of getting at the cracks and crevices (you put that really well) where your thoughts get stuck. It's good to get at them and feel the bad feelings so you can be that much more of a whole person... But to quiet the thoughts is so hard. I've been reading a book on visual imagery for wellness by Belleruth Naparstek (hope I spelled her last name right) and it's been so helpful. You might really like that. Anyway...thanks for your beautiful writing. I always check your blog because it's so well done.
Quieting the thoughts. . . Hah. That has mostly been a futile endeavor for me but one must try.
When my knees were slightly more healthy, excercise would do it for a time. For the duration of a run I could shut everything down and would think of only one thing: dying painfully in a multitude of horrible ways. Yes it was morbid but there is a sort of catharsis there.
Reading often does it for me, but some have said that my voracious consumption of books can be a bit odd. If the narrative is truly good or at least highly entertaining, my thoughts completely shut down for a time and I only exist as an observer. With a good book I can sit on a stone bench for five hours, never noticing my legs falling asleep, thirst, hunger, or even a desperate need to pee. When a session of this nature ends it is like coming out of a very pleasent trance, though desperate bodily functions and unresponsive limbs can create very close calls.
Writing, though it doesn't really quiet thoughts and would become innane ramblings if it truly did, seems to help focus thoughts. It can allow the chaos to line up in managable absurdity. It can lead to catharsis.
If all else fails there is always heavy drinking.
A preface to a collection of Emily Dickenson poems I once got from the library said they can all be read aloud to the tune of a certain song. I won't tell you the song because it pretty much ruined them for me.
I clicked on your 'stuff christian culture likes' link - so awesomely funny.
oh and I just noticed the writer of that blog just left a comment here!
i wish i had some good advice for you, but i'm just really learning that i even have emotions, or that they're valid anyway . . . which leads me to believe i'm quite "constipated" as well. If you figure out a good solution, let me know.
i miss you terribly.
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