through the thinking glass

December 07, 2008 Candace Morris 6 Comments

i have been thinking more and more of the necessity of catharsis, cleansing, extractions, and purging. perhaps inspired my annie dillard in pilgrim at tinker creek, i am clinging to many visual images of meditation and any ideas on how to handle the incessant flow of thoughts that i cannot seem to quiet.

i have a deep and active inner thought life. most of what i feel, think, believe, and vent about happens internally - and unless i feel talkative (enter wine), tend to shy from purging myself to other people. an introvert's typical error - repression, repression, repression.

perhaps that's why therapy is necessary for me - a purging of ruminations that get stuck on the crevices burrowed deep and jagged on the inside of my cavernous soul.

so i have an idea.
and of course, it's a list.
but i was thinking...what if weekly i actually entertain every single train of thought in my journaling and purge, purge, purge. every relationship, every concern, every detail i need to plan, every.single.thing that is demanding my attention.

i mean, maybe part of this painful season for me is simply because i am, well -
emotionally stopped-up.
psychologically constipated.

i need to prattle incessantly to my pages.
they were once trees.
so i guess i too can sit in the presence of mother nature,
and she receives me well.
she set them aside only for me and my words.

ever since i had this idea, i jump with anticipation and excitement - though i know it will take up like 18 pages - i feel like i am going to excuse all the mundane details and just write it. i don't know when i will attempt this feat of wrist endurance, but i will be sure to keep you posted on the experiment. will the total emptying only reveal more thought or will it buy me some much-needed mental relief and quiet (even just for a moment)?

so in typical candace fashion, i attempt to grasp something unattainable by dominating it with what i do best. structure.

c'est la vie,

December Seven
truth must dazzle gradually
or every man be blind
[e. dickinson]

(p.s. would love any advise or thoughts on how you quiet your stream of thought...)

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