i want.
i never seem to stop wanting.i have this battle inside for the calming waters of peace and i believe it to be constantly engulfed by flames by the want of consumerism...and while i have no ethical or moral qualms about it, it's still something inside me that wants desperately to be tempered.
with every change of season, i want. with every new restaurant, i want. with each new play, opera, symphony, i want. with each anniversary, i want.
i want travel, furniture, books, groceries, wine, dresses, hair color, pedicures, shoes, gloves, umbrellas, purses, house(s), camping gear, plasma tv, car, to give Christmas presents, houseplants, new shelves for closet, kitchen tea-table and chairs, shelves for kitchen, facial, and to go back to school.
i want to temper this ever-pressing desire to consume all around me. i want to be happy to have 1 pair of jeans for longer than 2 years. i want to not feel victimised by last season's black heels. i want to have money to live on when i am 80. i want to be able to teach my offspring that having the latest and greatest of everything can actually
weaken
one's character.
(i believe much of the strength of my inner self comes from my impoverished upbringing. though this has made almost all of my siblings and i a bit impulsive with money, i have recognized that it made me the better for it. HOWEVER, i cannot fabricate poverty, and am probably not going to be impoverished, so the idea of teaching little people to keep money from controlling them is one daunting prospect out of of the 700 zillion daunting prospects to parenting).
perhaps this is consuming me right now because i am actually trying to SAVE for some things i want instead of overextending my budget every month because of some impulsive purchase or weariness at the thought of planning or cooking meals. it is brought to my philosophical attention because i refuse to let the battle for "getting ahead" consume me. if i cannot pay off my credit, so be it. if i cannot ever afford a house, so be it. but if i can, how unfortunate for me to be piddling my future away because i had to have.
it's not just money. inside i feel this great jerking back of the reigns...of my eating habits, of non-intentional alone time (i need a lot of it, but i need it to be SOULFUL, not just sitting on my ass perusing stupid facebook), of my spending habits, of my messy house. i feel the need to grab something by the balls and finally gain control over it.
instead of whining.
this post is annoying me today.
oh wait. that's my job.
i sit here, barely conscious of the evening separating yesterday from today.
i have done the following this morning:
- wasted time on flickster to find movies i want to see to put on my library list
- put movies on my library list (free movies in Seattle!) including all seasons of My So Called Life. I watched the first three episodes online last night, and I am hooked. I never got to watch the show as a teenager (mum didn't approve - and I think it was on cable), and I am really loving it.
- got tickets to Rimskey-Korsakov at the Seattle Symphony (cheap seats re: above thoughts)
- twiddled around on goodreads
- finalized going to see Phantom of the Opera!!! YAY.
- prayed that anyone had updated their blogs so I could find something to read
i do hope today finds you internally examining and finding that you are worthy of saving for.
~crm
10 comments:
You and I seem very the same in our bipolar relationship with money. I often could careless about money and how it is spent. Then I go into miserly fits where I don't even want to spend money on toothpaste because I know I can squeeze out the last little bits for another couple days.
This is why I need to make millions upon millions. Then I could sport for the all natural, whitening toothpaste of my dreams without any reserve.
bc - oh yes, dear friend. once again, we are similar. :) i wish my miserly fits lasted longer than my non-miserly fits.
and yes. making more money. this is always the answer.
tee hee. :)
Money, it is a bitch.
There are so many rants I could start, and so much blame to throw, but when it comes down to it, I am a consumer too.
Wow, I have been sitting here for a full five minutes trying to decide what to say next, so many thoughts, so many frustrations, but so many stories too. There has to be something in the recognition. Other than that, I don't know that I have the answers.
Money... bleh!
Yes, millions and millions so I don't have to skimp on toothpaste (or toothbrushes for that matter). When oh when is John going to be discovered?!
I will not delve into it though! I am above it (at least this is what I say to myself), plus, if I start it will make me pissy and moany for the rest of the day!
umber and M -
(two that have seen each other face to face in all your vegas glory...what did you WEAR? i need PICTURES!)
i know. i dont mean to frustrate or bring up some unsolvable problem - i just think that a more simple life would be just so much better for my soul. but alas, i am in the wrong country! oh to be in a village and eat sheep.
wait. what am i saying.
The best things are life are free, but you can give them to the birds and the bees... I want money! - Famous last words... I know that in my hands is the ability to pay of debt, to live wisely, to be able to appropriately and pragmatically afford the things I want instead of splurging on them. I just think I am too lazy to actually live that way. ... I will fix this. Blog coming on.
hello friend. it's eerie (but wonderful) how parallel our current thought trends seem to be. i was just thinking last night that to live simply in this country is to live EVERY SINGLE MOMENT UTTERLY DELIBERATELY. it's exhausting to try and refuse everything constantly being thrust and thrown at our every sense (your previous comments about the world being overstimulating resonated with me). i think it is normal to want beautiful things, and the desire to be surrounded/adorned by beauty is not to be condemned. to appreciate beauty in simple things is difficult when such elaborate beauty is being pushed in our faces at all times.
i hope that you and i can learn to feel the beauty of simple things so deeply that the edge is taken off some of our more extravagant wants. i'm up for it if you are.
I know we've mentioned it before, but Adam and I are hooked on Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University plan. It's so freeing. I'm the spender, I've always been around spending, and FPU was such an easy transition for me. Try try. Love you!
Love, Erin not Adam.
I too have been consumed by thoughts of these the past few days. Perhaps my indulgent orange-pants-spree that used up my b-day money has sparked it in me. Don't you just get livid sometimes with it? I too grew up on the lower end of the money scale and too am actually very thankful for that. But, being one that loves everything beautiful, I crave fashion and beauty in those things. But, my rational side kicks in (sometimes too late) and reminds me that abstaining might be the best answer.
It is also difficult when married to one that is SO opposite than yourself with money. Just today, we had a discussion about buying (of all things!) a heating pad - not for me, I lived without in all those years of menstrual cramps, but for he - a pulled back muscle. I was the one to trek to Rite Aid and pick up this much needed item. When I returned with useful but modest purchase, he commented, "I'm glad you bought this and not me, because I would have justified to myself why I needed the more expensive one!" And here I am too, scrapping toothpaste out of the tube and rummaging through old dentist goodie-bags to find samples to last me a few more days. And he went and had a massage.
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