i want.

August 27, 2008 Candace Morris 10 Comments

i never seem to stop wanting.

i have this battle inside for the calming waters of peace and i believe it to be constantly engulfed by flames by the want of consumerism...and while i have no ethical or moral qualms about it, it's still something inside me that wants desperately to be tempered.

with every change of season, i want. with every new restaurant, i want. with each new play, opera, symphony, i want. with each anniversary, i want.

i want travel, furniture, books, groceries, wine, dresses, hair color, pedicures, shoes, gloves, umbrellas, purses, house(s), camping gear, plasma tv, car, to give Christmas presents, houseplants, new shelves for closet, kitchen tea-table and chairs, shelves for kitchen, facial, and to go back to school.

i want to temper this ever-pressing desire to consume all around me. i want to be happy to have 1 pair of jeans for longer than 2 years. i want to not feel victimised by last season's black heels. i want to have money to live on when i am 80. i want to be able to teach my offspring that having the latest and greatest of everything can actually

weaken
one's character.
(i believe much of the strength of my inner self comes from my impoverished upbringing. though this has made almost all of my siblings and i a bit impulsive with money, i have recognized that it made me the better for it. HOWEVER, i cannot fabricate poverty, and am probably not going to be impoverished, so the idea of teaching little people to keep money from controlling them is one daunting prospect out of of the 700 zillion daunting prospects to parenting).

perhaps this is consuming me right now because i am actually trying to SAVE for some things i want instead of overextending my budget every month because of some impulsive purchase or weariness at the thought of planning or cooking meals. it is brought to my philosophical attention because i refuse to let the battle for "getting ahead" consume me. if i cannot pay off my credit, so be it. if i cannot ever afford a house, so be it. but if i can, how unfortunate for me to be piddling my future away because i had to have.

it's not just money. inside i feel this great jerking back of the reigns...of my eating habits, of non-intentional alone time (i need a lot of it, but i need it to be SOULFUL, not just sitting on my ass perusing stupid facebook), of my spending habits, of my messy house. i feel the need to grab something by the balls and finally gain control over it.

instead of whining.

this post is annoying me today.
oh wait. that's my job.
i sit here, barely conscious of the evening separating yesterday from today.
i have done the following this morning:

  • wasted time on flickster to find movies i want to see to put on my library list
  • put movies on my library list (free movies in Seattle!) including all seasons of My So Called Life. I watched the first three episodes online last night, and I am hooked. I never got to watch the show as a teenager (mum didn't approve - and I think it was on cable), and I am really loving it.
  • got tickets to Rimskey-Korsakov at the Seattle Symphony (cheap seats re: above thoughts)
  • twiddled around on goodreads
  • finalized going to see Phantom of the Opera!!! YAY.
  • prayed that anyone had updated their blogs so I could find something to read

i do hope today finds you internally examining and finding that you are worthy of saving for.
~crm

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