life span integration

June 17, 2008 Candace Morris 0 Comments

as an assignment for counseling, my therapist asked me to write up a life span integration worksheet. basically, i have to assign memories of my life to certain ages. i have to take this worksheet into the session tomorrow night, and i am rather intimated by it.

i am working on it this morning, feeling rather naked and doubtful. all of my experiences seem banal and trite while simultaneously extremely important. i am really curious what March will do with the answers, apparently there is very little analysis of these events. i need to do some more research on it, but i think i will wait until after i finish my timeline - just so i don't unintentionally skew the results.

so far, almost every age hangs on which boyfriend i had at the time. daddy issues much?

god, i get so sick of saying that...even sicker of it being valid.

speaking of old boyfriends, i have had the strangest resurgence of dreams about them. i always fell in love very very hard and very very unwisely - not in the men i chose to date, but in giving them my intimacy quickly and completely - at very impressionable ages (i think the form i am working on says i fell in love for the first time at age 10). not until joel came along did i ever once ascribe anything positive to falling in love - i was in love with the aches and wounds of love. this is because everyone that loved me ended up choosing someone else...which is completely natural as humans seek to pair up, but i was in the self-masochistic state for so long where the only option to loving me was rejecting me. the rejection felt so alive, so familiar, so addicting.

sometimes, in the dreams, i miss those boys dreadfully and as a result i wake up aching for a time gone by. and so it must be that once a heart has been splayed open willingly, it can never be fully restored to me. the childhood heart will always belong to carlos, danny, jon, and dan. this is perhaps not an ideal way for a girl to grow up, but i do not regret these encounters. carlos taught me how to love. danny taught me how to laugh and play. jon taught me how to cry bitterly. dan introduced me to myself as a beautiful woman. my joel - he completes the job - the endings of what some others started. They were all very soulful and noble men.

the life span integration has been interesting so far - with the early years mostly blank. i need my sister (who has always been my memory) to fill this stuff in for me, but they have to be mine.

i will keep you in the know - of what dreams may come.

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