here's to wishing it could be different

June 25, 2008 Candace Morris 4 Comments

I have had to take the past two days off work in order to get rid of a nasty cold bug swarming Washington. In these past two days, I was able to ask myself many questions about the nature of myself and work.

Day One: I am alone resting – but feeling very tired and sick. I read for an hour at 7am (this never happens), fall back asleep until 10am and then take a mid-morning bath. Nest a bit in the house, do laundry, dishes, make tea, read, nap, read, nap, and then Joel comes home! The day, in general was lovely, quiet, and much needed. At the end of day one, I have a thought that never working again would be sheer and utter bliss. SO I think, I can totally quit and find something else, or just stay at home!!

(enter fantasy: candace as the super house-wife. She wakes at 8am, cleans the house from top to bottom, runs to gym for two hours, walks the dog, and picks up the drycleaning. She then comes home and takes a long bath and gets ready for day. She then meanders out the door for a lunch date with girls and afterwards shops for dinner. She then comes home and reads & writes for two hours, makes the hubby a three-course dinner with crème brûlée for dessert, afterwards inviting his friends over for cocktails and pinochle. Once they leave, she then spends time doting on joel, making his breakfast and lunch for the next day and then sending him to bed. She then changes the oil in her Audi, writes a novel and then ends her night with a dip in her Jacuzzi overlooking Nice, France. All of these tasks are completed in these outfits (click to view entire spread in Bazaar).)

Day Two: Equally lovely – being taken care of by joel – who is also sick at home. I napped with a gorgeous cat, sat around, had soup brought to me, finished my book, made a lovely dinner, played games. But by the end of day two, I find myself thanking god for work, steady income, and structure (the steady income may/may not have been directly correlated to a 3 hr marathon of The Farming Game – which can make even the most successful farmer-to-be scared out of his gourd about money). I was tired of feeling grungy (though I had bathed four times in those two days), ugly, uncombed, and unproductive.

So back to work today and not feeling overly euphoric about this other than glad to have my day pieced out nicely and predictably for me. My soul hates it, my personality thrives on it. This conundrum is confusing me – this confusion is presenting in the form of some STRANGE dreams, friends. This disconnect at work is also why I bury myself in planning things…it’s a fantasy world of sorts – an escape I can use. If I plan parties, do grocery lists, organize events – then I feel alive and distracted all at once.

But something is wrong when you must continually distract your soul from fully feeling its discontent.

I did however, write on my to do list the following:
  • See if we can do a single-income budget
  • More camping food lists
  • Craigslist jobs.

So I guess there is still hope that that kick-ass housewife lives inside.

p.s. I was really just going to stick with tea this week – still trying to really recover my voice and health, but since today’s exciting task at work is paying bills, I have one response:
God. Where’s the coffee.
So I made a pot here at the office and it’s just very disgustingly old. I thought I could choke it down and even made some oatmeal to help, but to this I have one response:
Gaaaawwwwd. Where’s the coffee!

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