you know it. you owe it to yourself.

May 21, 2008 candacemorris 3 Comments

i am in a quandary today.

and thanks to and idea by both umber and plume (see comments after yesterday's entry), i am feeling the damned hope creeping back in, slowing refilling the trenches dug by yesterday's battle wounds. (and let's be honest. part of my ultimate fear was that i lost the hope forever - that these last two years of health were a fabricated season).

actually, yesterday was so curious for me. i was just really thick in the marshy darks of deep, man-eating doubt - thicker than it's been in quite some time and in it's wake managed to produce ever-familiar anxiety and suffocation. sometimes i wish someone would punch me in the face so that i would finally stop beating myself down emotionally. you know, something physical to focus my pain on, rather than constantly being (as matthew arnold put it), "swept up with confused alarms of struggle and fight." honestly, who is the enemy is this self-contained scenario anyway? this is what frustrates me so much...

but back to yesterday. every time i post something about my internal frustrations, i get some sort of overwhelming validation that this is what i am supposed to be doing. the first time, it was a dear friend's tears. yesterday, it came in the form of an amazing email from andrew. this man should be the one blogging, because his words hang on the gargoyle-statues guarding my soul.

his letter of ultimate validation freed some tangley weeds that were bloody-ing up my ankles.

i guess i am just constantly reminded that i have to write - and that writing is cleansing for the community.

but i am still in a quandary.

you see, i was talking with tice and niki last week and we were imagining that this generation is really a new movement - but a movement without a name. we have art and beauty and freedom and a message - but no real option to sell all our possessions and just do it. i envisioned with them a monthly art show where tice could play, everyone's art could be displayed, i could write, jessica and jason could promote, etc. so this monthly idea is bouncing off the pinball boards of my creativity.

and then with the idea of this bookstore bar, etc. perhaps i can have a bookstore that can be my business already - but then can patronize the monthly art shows. how does one start a business? any advice? i don't know if you know this, but i would be really good owning my own business.

and this bookstore would have the famous book/cocktail pairings on the menu (east of eden and a pale ale, macbeth and deepest red bordeaux one can find, the great gatsby and mint julips, etc...), as well as a bakery with pink boxes, art studio, music venue, (do i have to add coffeee???, i am so tired of coffee bookstores), etc. but overwhelming the walls would be all of my delicious booklings.

well, not mine. don't even THINK you are going to get your greedy hands on my collection.

anyway, the idea of this makes me ache so badly...wishing, longing, dreaming. but it's enough to refuel my heart and keep the doubt at bay. and i have many of you to thank for this. because even if it's only ever a dream. a dream can sustain.

but back to my quandry.

i am soooo curious how people make money off blogging. for instance, this woman gets paid bucko bucks (she supports her entire family and was on good morning america for the "mommy blogging" craze with this blog!), to write about anything. today's oh so enriching installment was about dog shit. i mean it. can i get paid to write about dog shit? cuz i can.

i am not discrediting her blog at all, in fact, two days ago, she posted about a recent miscarriage, and it was soo amazingly heart warming and honest, but i am telling you...even just this doggie doo post got over 500 comments. 500!!!!

so this is my quandary. how does this happen? i want to sit with this woman and pick her blonde brain - "dear mommy bloger/doggie doo expert, how do you get money from a 686-word post?" cuz sign me up.

the end.