a girl's right to pie and pain

June 29, 2010 candacemorris 6 Comments

My sister loves "Twin Peaks." I myself never watched any of it (a problem we are remedying tonight), but ever since she moved here, she's been a bit eager to try the pie at Twedes, the cafe Kyle MacLachlan's character frequents for the "a damn fine cup of coffee" and cherry pie.

We jaunted up to North Bend today (a mere 25 minutes from us, the old haunt of Mr. and Mrs. Clark), and ordered us a tuna melt for lunch and cherry pie for dessert. Oh my, was it tasty. Homemade perfection.

Things have lightened substantially here. There are many concerns still looming, but with two phone calls back on a resume, our moods are lifting a bit. It's amazing how the slightest shift in circumstances can change your entire outlook...and it is for this very subtle reason that I refuse to believe that happiness is all about perspective...having a positive view of even the worst of situations does not change the reality that things can be just downright shitty. Being positive, hell..being happy...has never really been my goal. I suppose I want to experience life authentically, for all its shadows and light, highs and lows. However, I think I prefer my loved ones only to feel the warmest light and the highest heights, and this lesson in release is the biggest bitch of all lately...the kind that slaps your face, talks about you behind your back, and then decides to pants you on the play yard. There you stand, vulnerable and humiliated...with nothing but your tears to cloak your skin. This is the kind of bitch I mean.

I suppose it could be seen as self-deprecating that I am comfortable with undergoing pain when I would chose to extract all hurt from others' lives; or perhaps it shows a truly narcissistic hubris in my own coping mechanisms and reveals a complete lack of confidence in them. But I think the reality is that I am confident in dealing with pain and can know I will be okay...there is no such guarantee for those you love.

They may never be okay again.

They might die before you expect.

They might fall into an unrecoverable depression.

They might hurt themselves over and over again.

They may never call you back.

They may never love you as you need.

And that, my friends, THAT is the SERIOUS bitch about love.

But also the exquisite bliss.

Oh.

The.

Bliss.

Because when it turns out that they are okay, that they are healthy, that they are well, that they are happy, that they are thriving, that they call you, and that they love you in return...then the bitch falls off her high horse and heaven on earth ushers you in. The risk...oh the intoxicating gamble of love.

I am so addicted.

~crm

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weekend report

June 27, 2010 candacemorris 5 Comments

Ahh...Sunday night. With only the faintest authority, the clock clicks the evening by and by. This little family has played hard all weekend and two of us are already down for the count. The other two sit in separate rooms, quietly contemplating...surrendering to the weights on our eyelids and hearts. In the Pacific Northwest, the summer nights stretch on into the distance as far as the eye can see...it's already 10pm and the sun is STILL out like some rebellious teenager with the keys to Dad's mustang.

Saturday morning, after watching USA vs Ghana, the sun shone brilliantly upon us and we went for a wonderful drive up to Snoqualmie Pass just to see if the snow was gone. Not only was it fully melted, but the wooded-wonderland was birthing more green than God while water falls violently. My sister, as yet unaccustomed to such a greedy display of beauty, remarked that it was almost too much to take in...and I think it's true that we must have a little bit of ugly for the beauty to stand out. Too much of a good thing and it all just begins to blend...the beauty gets lost.

This weekend...full of moments upon which to meditate.

Water rushing through old wood feels more important than I can convey. Why would something so vibrant and full of health decide to filter itself through something so ancient and used? As it builds and bursts through its limits, I stand completely parched for this profundity.

(Snoqualmie Summit, Washington)

A view from the asphalt parking lot.

I feel like I have no body, no atoms; only air and this view.

Light forcing its way to my eye...a determination beyond me.

Bowing in reverenge to the real age of things.

Blinking back tears at the neediness of nature,
straining my neck backwards to glimpse her great magnitude and nobility.

(Wishing and knowing she would want to be here.
She'd say something simple and profound about it over coffee
and again later with her paintbrush.
I still look around for her when I know she needs to see something,
as if she were walking there behind me with her backpack and hiking boots.
I'd rely on her eyes to help me see...
and now,
Although nature assures me that it is good and right to have relied upon her vision for a small time,
I have to learn to see through my own eyes )

Watching us all grow and discover new sights, even with tired eyes...

Sunday morning brought delicious breakfast, naps, and a trip to the parents for our weekly sunday night dinners where we watched my two newest nieces size each other up. Warning, CUTE OVERLOAD ahead.

i must bed myself.

my soul demands rebirth.

~crm

(it's only right to tell you that quite a few of these pictures were taken by my sister...)

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Take me out to the ballgame

June 25, 2010 candacemorris 1 Comments

My sister and I spent a great deal of our childhoods on a baseball field. Our brother was kind of a hot-shot pitcher, so every weekend and at least a few weekdays we found ourselves digging through dusty dirt to find some liquorice or trying to coax our mother into buying us a fun-dip. Sometimes we might be able to scout out a fly ball and then score ourselves a free snow-cone, but those were only on REALLY good days.

A love of baseball is in our blood, so just as soon as it started to feel like summer around Seattle, Teresa took me out to a Mariner's game. I do love baseball, but I think I love hot dogs more. I also will take any opportunity to watch the sunset in Safeco Park...it's so amazingly beautiful! Add a few pints of beer (and because it's Seattle, there is a respectable selection) and VOILA, you have a summer night that dreams are made of.

On the way home, we rolled down the windows and blasted Heart's greatest hits. Though we were completely hoarse by the time we arrived home, we were light as feathers and happy as clams. Thank you, Cliff Lee. Thank you, Full Sail Amber Ale. Thank you, jumbo dog with mustard and onions (mustard and relish in her case). Thank you, Ann Wilson. Thank you, weather.

Thank you, sister.

When are we going again?

~crm

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le jardin

June 23, 2010 candacemorris 2 Comments

The last two days have FINALLY felt like summer in Seattle, and I tell you, it's been impossible to stay inside or sit still. So, I didn't even try. Yesterday, Teresa and I went to our local nursery and overdosed on the beauty that is chloroplasts and photosynthesis (and other science-y words). I needed the mood boost in a bad way.

I purchased a wonderful hanging basket of Begonias in the most energizing shade of orange.
I purchased a wonderful arrangement of snapdragons in honor of Kelly's upcoming (2nd, blerg) surgery (they are her favorites).
I purchased arugula.
I purchased zucchini.
(but have not, as yet, mastered the spelling thereof)
I purchased a raspberry start.
I purchased another succulent for my growing collection.

I repotted my Wandering Jew, which had been in a bad way for some time.

I am in love with my granny gardening hat.

It feels so good to get my hands dirty once in a while.

After a productive afternoon I whipped up a rosemary (organic) chicken, potatoes, spinach salad, and herbed carrots. We topped the meal off with a bottle of Pinot Grigio and enjoyed the lazy summer night.

~crm

A special thanks to my sister for taking these pictures of me gardening!

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the long road home: 11 hours to Seattle

June 22, 2010 candacemorris 5 Comments

Once we reached northern California, we were able to see my brother and his family as well as two of my best friends, Jackie and her kids as well as Kelly and Brad. It was so amazing to see them all and have a good rest before we cruised the 11 hours home. We've been home a week, and I already miss the open road. Maybe we'll take a "getting lost" drive this weekend.