musings of a melancholic

A few items of random note:

A new mantra (shamelessly stolen from a bumper sticker): Eat Good, Feel Good.
Also, it feels really good to feel good. It feels terrible to feel badly. Let us all remember this when we are tempted to harshly judge others' capacities.
Of all the spring blooms, I think I love lilacs the best. Don't tell the lilies, daphne, or jasmine. I have been waiting and waiting for her arrival. Upon returning from a weekend in San Francisco, she was here. I could have cried.
This week we are finally going to finish Star Trek Voyager. Then we can continue my Star Trek education with The Next Generation. Out of order, yes. One cannot help when one becomes interested, I guess.
I cannot believe that I have only 14 weeks left before I meet my very own baby. I feel the clouds of dread dissipating, and in their place stands a vessel that is growing deeper and deeper. No doubt, this is the preparation for the love I will hold for my daughter.
I've been editing papers lately (I was a teacher after all). I forgot the deep satisfaction it brings to assist others;there is no other feeling quite like it. While I can not envision myself back in a classroom setting, I feel rather certain (and excited) that teaching isn't done with me yet.
I am reading the most amazing book. Really, I am so disappointed I didn't write it.

Scout,
The world is so exquisite with so much love and moral depth, that there is no reason to deceive ourselves with pretty stories for which there's little good evidence. Far better it seems to me, in our vulnerability, to look death in the eye and to be grateful every day for the brief but magnificent opportunity that life provides.
-Sagan

(How do you like your new official nickname? It is, no doubt, one of millions to come). It's been a very cerebral week. I've spent time reading one of your father's heroes, Carl Sagan. I've also devoured Rilke, started a new work of fiction that is extremely (and delightfully) philosophical. I chatted with your Uncle Goat wherein we determined a new conclusion for the grand purpose of life. It's also been a relatively positive week regarding pregnancy and the general state of my mind. I am thankful for these times, for it is only after the release of pain that the flood of compassion overwhelms my spirit as I ponder those still in suffering.

Many people have a very clear vision for their lives. From a young age, their strengths and talents are apparent; they have parents who nurture and encourage this gift. I was one of these people. I always wanted to be a teacher. I pursued this dream with resolute determination for 15 years. This dream lasted only 3 years, and when I quit, I felt utterly and completely defeated as well as existentially lost. I had done what I assumed I was "made to do" and although several amazing relationships were born and I learned immense lessons about myself, it was now over. I had no future. Now, after recovering, I don't care to return to it, but I do crave that sense of purpose. Sparked by this conversation with Uncle Goat, I began to wonder if some people just are not born with a strong existential direction. Perhaps their answer to "what does it all mean" or "what are my biggest dreams" is something more subjective than "I want to be a lawyer" or "I want to be a professional musician." What if their answer is "I want to help people" or "I want to be a healthy person."

This notion stuck with me as I began to realize that I too have been searching for a purpose anew. My answer, for this time and place, simply is that I want to learn, learn, and learn some more. I want to assimilate as much about peoples, cultures, literature, science, writing, psychology, wine, cooking, technology, mothering, decor, movies, books, travel, fashion, and photography as I possibly can in one lifetime (it can also be helpful to remember that a purpose in life does not necessarily equate to a career in that particular area. Jobs are different than purposes, unless you are one of the lucky ones). Additionally, I want to learn other's opinions of the above, learn to listen better, learn to be less judgmental, learn to be kinder to myself, and learn to accept the moment. I've found a new purpose. I hope to employ this knowledge to counsel you come your existential crisis - to remind you that there are many visions and many paths any human can take. I don't want to sell you an American dream, "If you can dream it, you can do it" because that's just simply untrue. But I do want your dreams to be big, full of hope, and to help you find ways to achieve what your life on this beautiful planet has inspired you to pursue.

The purpose of life is to be defeated by greater and greater things.
-Rilke

This week, I want to dive into a vat of mangos, eat 20 cakes, consume lots of candy, and gorge myself on breakfast sausage (randomly enough). I have been sleeping well (after some serious and comical arranging of pillows), and still enjoy my nightly bath with Epsom salts to ease the muscle tension in my back and legs. My yoga instructor recommended several poses for SI joint loosening, and she encouraged me to perform them daily as well as to be sure and move every 45 minutes. What a difference! I wake up, have my cereal, stretch for a few minutes, and begin my day. My body seems to be screaming, THANK YOU! It feels euphoric to be out of pain, even if it doesn't last long. We've also been trying to walk more, since the weather is glorious and we live so close to Greenlake. You are moving SO much throughout the day. You seem to enjoy post-meal workouts, and I am beginning to adjust to the sensations (which once felt disgusting. Pregnancy in general is pretty disgusting to me, so it's nice to have graduated beyond that feeling).

This week, I said to Joel , "Oh man, our girl's gonna be so cute." He looked at me knowingly with a hint of "what have I done" in his eyes and said with resignation, "I know. I know." We are in for it.

It's been "all Bowie all the time" since Saturday. I hope you know how much he loves you.

Oh you pretty things
don't you know your driving
your mamas and papas insane.
-David Bowie

I saw your eyes in a dream last night. My goodness they were clear as glass. Who are you, sweet star?

Love,
The Voice

Baby Star,
It has only this week occurred to me that you are an actual baby. I have felt you move in baby-like ways, and I have experienced my soul growing another soul - which may be why my soul feels especially depleted these days. Well, just as I nourish myself for the two of us via food, drink, and movement, so must I double-nourish our collective soul. It feels good to experience the reality of you for my excitement at this new life change is directly correlated. I am an excellent adjuster, but I am a rather terrible imagine-r. The anticipation of something hard is almost always worse than the actuality of enduring its reality. This is in part because we are simply not equipped at the pre-stages with tools to endure the changes. It is only when immersed in the reality of our situation that the universe grants us what we need to know. For instance, I doubt your Aunt Kelly would have thought she was strong enough to endure breast cancer, but she was. And she did. And now, she knows more about what she can endure than ever before. Oh how worry steals our ability to just BE.

When I was but a child, I asked my mother how I would ever possibly manage to pay all my bills. Cute, but indicative indeed of my tendency to worry about the future. She said the strangest thing back to me, "You don't need that ticket yet." Her mother passed down that phrase from a story of Corrie Ten Boom. Apparently, Corrie begged her mother to hold a train ticket weeks and weeks before their actual trip. It wasn't until they were standing on the platform of the railway station that her mother handed her the ticket. She simply didn't need it before that time. I remind myself of this constantly. I am sad to lose my current lifestyle, but eager to know how I will perform in the new one. I want to make future decisions NOW based upon the sad lack of information I have to actually make those choices. We have to wait for life to give us what we need, for it always does. We can plan and hope, but borrowing emotions from the future always results in an inability to enjoy life as it exists NOW - in this very moment. This includes accepting myself as a worrier - embracing and loving it while gently nudging it into its right place.

We are losing Jessica's mother very soon. This grieves me deeply for many reasons, but as it pertains to you, I am very sad that you will never meet her. She has been a magnificent example of motherhood to me. Every time I think of cooking, I think of pouring a cold glass of Chardonnay because of her. Every time I imagine an adult relationship with you, I imagine Jessica and Denise's relationship. She is fabulous, trusting, truly interested, wise, talented, serving, and beautiful. You will know her by legend and the turquoise ring Jessica gave me that I plan to bequeath you (it was Denise's mother's ring), but you may not know her indelible hospitality which immediately puts people at ease. I could begin now to mourn her passing, but it has not yet come. I will therefore discipline myself to stay in the moment, remember that each day she is still with us. I will not mourn what is not yet to be mourned. There is this moment, my sweet Scout. Only this moment.

I have a confession to make. I am usually a wayfarer for self-care and stomping out that ever-present internal voice of self-condemnation, but the physicality of pregnancy has uncovered another wellspring of self-hate I wasn't aware of. I've never liked that I am physically lethargic and fail to do much about it. Well, pregnancy has me confronting birth (hello physical toil!), which makes me confront myself as I anticipate and prepare my mind for the marathon. I know I can and will do it, but I am afraid of panic and losing my peace. I have discovered that I still really despise myself for giving up so easily, I hate that I feel physically weak and pathetic. I feel judged and incapable. and keep wishing I were someone else. This - to me - is the most blasphemous of all vices. The universe put so much time and history and thought into the making of me, how DARE I request a change. It is not for me to pine for something impossible, but rather I hope to find a way to love what is already existing. This is my deep wish for you this week, as your soul gathers energy from mine. May it be given the most generous portion of self-acceptance, self-love, and self-admiration possible. For it is within this that you will most deeply be able to love others. I was prideful that I had self-love figured out. I am humbled yet again by this life. How beautiful it is.

Have some fun in there, but please ease up on my low back.
The Voice

I did comply.
I thought of my niece, who begs her mother to take her to the beach.
I bathed in nothingness while my hair blew wispy about my face.
I laid my head in his lap and felt close, so close.
I watched a family of five children carefully for tips.
I waved to a toddler running absentmindedly toward our blanket.
I ate grape after grape.
I heard a woman singing along with a guitar.
I anticipated the yoga class in which I would later finally find relief for my back.
I stood at the water, admiring the Olympics.
I praised myself for my gorgeously pedicured toes.
I marveled at the differences in humans.
I felt him approach me and gently nudge me home.

All of these things, they are what the living do.
I'm living for two.