I realize this is going to sound contradictory to my previous post about letting oneself get bored as good self-care, but I have to tell you.
This week I've been
(and not in a good way).
The kind of boredom that sits on the corner of your eyes and tells you that everything, everywhere is uninspired and no one, nowhere is doing anything special and all life, all kinds are moving only sluggishly along their mundane tasks.
There's a kind of aching in my bones, a something stirring
born of fire and blood
and yet something else holding it all back.
I can't help but feel that is ME getting in the way of it. If I could just step aside and let things take their course. This is what happens to me when someone tells me NOT to obsess...to be carefree and run wild.
I can do anything BUT obsess, be worried, and tie stone weights to my feet.
It's quite confusing.
One minute I want to run naked through the streets, do something drastic to break this dam,
and in the next breath I loose my willpower to do anything but watch 10 hours of stupid television.
I was born for something more.
I've certainly had my fill of solitude this week. Joel had to work every night this week, and while I was originally really looking forward to it and used that time wisely and soulfully, by Wednesday night - I was going mad. I realize several of my lovely friends are without their husbands this week, or even month, or even summer. My hat goes off to you!
When he was home, we were both exhausted emotionally (me from my brain and he from other people's brains) that there was little else to do but fall into bed.
You know how most people (correction: I assume this is how most people operate) would stop in a moment of madness and exclaim to themselves, "I need to call a friend!" Or perhaps, "I need to get the hell out of here and do something with someone!" I am really challenged in this area because I get so greedy with solitude so much so that even if it is plaguing and branding my soul, I remain stubbornly determined to be alone. I needed anything but being alone, but it wasn't until late Wednesday night that I recognized it and promptly invited myself over to Jess's. My self is being all kinds of weird to myself lately.
I'm just gonna roll with it.
I tell you what. I am going to grill up a nice béarnaise-covered filet mignon, open a bottle of spicy Italian wine, and spoil that man for working so hard. That will help us both.
Separate feels strained. Time to bring those ties back to home.
Bring love back to you this weekend,