career-girl, play nice.
Here we go again,
I’m back to feeling sorry for myself because I have to work for a living.
I’m back to disappointment in my choices of food, leisure, money habits.
I’m back to angsty weekends of not knowing how to spend my time exactly,
back to relying on the crutch named routine.
I’m back to believing the lie that my stay-at-home artists friends have a fabulous, carefree life.
I’m back to eating microwavable lunches.
I’m back to telling myself that being an artist was just a trial period.
“I was never really that gifted.”
I’m back to succumbing to the sadness of this past year.
I’m back to surrendering my days to further the futility of a foreign vision.
I’m back to being afraid that this is it.
I’m back to judging myself for all of the above.
But
I’m back to writing about it.
I was telling a girlfriend in a letter that I am so much more severe to my career-girl than to my artist-self. I’ve been working for 17 years (since I was 15, so 32-15=17….right BC?), so she's quite mature, adult, thick-skinned, and rather judgmental. My artist-self, roughly 2 years old, is insecure, unsteady, small. She needed a lot of time, leisure, grace, and assurance. Since career-girl (let’s call her Bianca. I have no idea why. Wait, it might have to do with a "Jem" reference…isn’t there a character in that cartoon that’s all snooty, spoiled, rough named Bianca?) has been since on the bench, she’s less practiced in the integration of these two people coexisting in my one frail body.
Emotions=fine. But once the inner judge decides that it is inappropriate to feel one way or the child inside is compulsively and impetuously disappointed about feeling another way, this is when things turn very terribly wrong in the whole self-care arena.
I figured that part out. Internal judge, be nice! Not hard.
I conquered caring for myself in that stay-at-home phase.
Will I find grace for myself again? Will I get swallowed up whole without the illusion of leisure? As the clock squeezes my soul through its merciless arms, will I again (eventually?) be able to show off this huge wingspan?
BECAUSE I DON'T CAGE WELL.
I heard almost the exact same fears from a lovely friend last night on the brink of a serious and exciting new chapter in her life. Will I loose myself? Do I have what it takes to put another care onto my plate, balance it, and still look good walking around the room with it raised proudly above me? *Emphatically to her, I pound on the table and say exclaim a resounding YES.
But to me, gently, sadly…ever so faintly a wee thing says to a formidable force “I must.”
“We must.”
And to all our souls the universe whispers,
Today. Just Today.
It’s all we need the strength for.
And if you stop, notice, listen.
You’ll find without a doubt…that you have it.
For today.
crm
* Okay, she didn’t say that EXACTLY, because most people do not reference life changes with an allusion to being a butler, BUT I’ve been watching old Jeeves and Wooster with the saint, so I have this clear vision of a very capable, chic, and confident valet in my head.
7 comments:
I had a lay-down-in-the-middle-of-the-floor-and-cry-my-eyes-out moment today. New direction at my job and the feeling that I want to quit with all my heart and soul. But when those times happen, I read this from Allison's blog: http://sunnyrisingleather.blogspot.com/2010/03/pearls-in-fire-canyon.html
and remember that yes, I can do it, just today. Just make it through today.
My wishes to you for a good today!
Everything I am assigned to read about what Literary Studies people think about the nature of human nature, language, cognition, and reality leaves me more confused, screaming inside, "No, that's not it. You can't just declare that. What about..." And I have no time to launch my own investigation, read my own books on top of my homework. I'm taking English because I love literature, and language, because I want to be a writer, and because I want to teach others how to read and write. But I feel that I am losing sight of my own ideas, through nothing more than a lack of space and time. I feel crushed. Frustrated. Scared. Regretful. Disillusioned.
When I read this post about your new job, I felt that I knew what you were talking about.
there is always more, just reach your hands outward, they are too talented and is your tongue, your thoughts cannot be contained. we do not really know why a caged bird sings, they must not work for food or shelter. you will find your peace again, this is not all you are. you are an artist that has to work for now.
balance is hard.
but you are already doing amazing. Its only gonna get better.
Thanks for the reminders today.
Felt some of those impetuous inner child emotions last night. Why won't all me get along with me?
I don't envy the transition you're wrestling through, but I definitely sympathize with your sentiments about the workplace and the "merciless arms of the clock". I find myself occasionally hyperventilating with unadulterated fear and simultaneous excitement at the prospect of going back to school and dealing with that transition!
Love
Baby girl,
My money's on the artist. She may step gingerly now, but she's go the backing of a heart of gold. But I will say, just a little reminder, that I fell in love with the career-gal first.
em- gosh. i went to that post and didn't remember reading it at all, but i scrolled down and apparently had because there was a comment.
but last night, i read it again and wept. thank you for sending it on, i think i'll print it out.
lizzy-
completele relate. i remember feeling so trapped by the degree that i never really got to learn anything. i suppose (like the campaign to save teenage homosexual suicide) I can say "It Gets Better." You know I was an english major and then became a teacher, right?
michelle-
i read and re-read your comment last night about 10 times. the last two lines have been floating around my soul like a mantra. what an amazing thing to say, thank you for helping me save myself. i'm also thinking about you these few days, keep us informed.
suzzzzie.
i am ever encourgged by your continually kind words and quiet presence.
jules,
you are going to be fabulous at school. i completely envy that prospect as well...
my redwood tea-date,
can't you come and wait for me in the lobby so we can have tea? i miss your non-career outfits to brighten up my day. and, you are right...career girl is still totally loveable.
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