ease in the moment
This week has been a whirlwind. I've found that I am a bit less capable of handling stress than I thought. My heart still races, my breath eludes me, my mind obsesses. Fear at being stressed is so much worse than the actual tasks at hand.
It's very early. I am unable to sleep, so I open my journal and read last night's entry. I sat at my kitchen table and took in a rare moment of pure silence.
"How to describe this beautifully heavy silence. I sit and the only thing I hear is a steady, faint drip of rain...an occasional whoosh of trucks driving by. Stress and fear have returned this week in drastic measure and I am left to doubt myself, questioning if the peace of the last year was due only to the fact that I had leisure time. God I hope not. I am so afraid of losing myself again...but if I examine it without the fear, if I can imagine it all being sucked up by an existential, infinite vacuum (I just watched "I Heart Huckabees") then there is nothing left...no stress. Truly, I fear the fear more than the actuality. In the moment, I am quite capable, and all I need is strength for that particular moment, not for the rest of my foreseeable future. Back again to the ease of the moment."
In the next few weeks, I am transitioning back into fulltime work. I've been racked with personal questions...Am I capable of going back to work and still being a writer? I do think so, but God...I am scared. Can I figure out a work/life balance that still allows me to write, take pictures, meet friends? I do think so, but God...I am scared.
But that's today. Yesterday, I found a moment of ease. I close my eyes and cling to the mental picture of me sitting at the kitchen table, reading a letter from her, grabbing my journal, scribbling peace, and realizing that I am still quite capable of taking care of myself.
Self, there is really nothing to fear.