ease in the moment
This week has been a whirlwind. I've found that I am a bit less capable of handling stress than I thought. My heart still races, my breath eludes me, my mind obsesses. Fear at being stressed is so much worse than the actual tasks at hand.
It's very early. I am unable to sleep, so I open my journal and read last night's entry. I sat at my kitchen table and took in a rare moment of pure silence.
"How to describe this beautifully heavy silence. I sit and the only thing I hear is a steady, faint drip of rain...an occasional whoosh of trucks driving by. Stress and fear have returned this week in drastic measure and I am left to doubt myself, questioning if the peace of the last year was due only to the fact that I had leisure time. God I hope not. I am so afraid of losing myself again...but if I examine it without the fear, if I can imagine it all being sucked up by an existential, infinite vacuum (I just watched "I Heart Huckabees
") then there is nothing left...no stress. Truly, I fear the fear more than the actuality. In the moment, I am quite capable, and all I need is strength for that particular moment, not for the rest of my foreseeable future. Back again to the ease of the moment."
") then there is nothing left...no stress. Truly, I fear the fear more than the actuality. In the moment, I am quite capable, and all I need is strength for that particular moment, not for the rest of my foreseeable future. Back again to the ease of the moment."In the next few weeks, I am transitioning back into fulltime work. I've been racked with personal questions...Am I capable of going back to work and still being a writer? I do think so, but God...I am scared. Can I figure out a work/life balance that still allows me to write, take pictures, meet friends? I do think so, but God...I am scared.
But that's today. Yesterday, I found a moment of ease. I close my eyes and cling to the mental picture of me sitting at the kitchen table, reading a letter from her, grabbing my journal, scribbling peace, and realizing that I am still quite capable of taking care of myself.
Self, there is really nothing to fear.
5 comments:
No, nothing to fear. You have an amazing way of feeling your way through whatever life brings to you. Rest easy. Although I know what you mean when you say that you fear the fear, try to turn your eyes and find that things will settle and there will be a way in what is new.
Hugs this week. Work? Where are you headed? xo
Ahh, a sigh,
and confirmation to you with what you already know:
If you find simple pleasure in the tasks at hand,
find grace in your movements and stance, art in your tasks {however menial} and stay in the presence: that is where you will find peace. You know this, it is in every thing you write, between the lines, a self-possession that belongs to you truly.
Not that you wont feel what you are feeling, yet I always remember:
THought proceeds feelings,
Feelings proceeds action, and action is a reflection of our thoughts.
M
Love, I'm standing in support of you every single step of the way. You've grown by leaps and bounds, you've learned things too many never even find, you've proven your commitment to the quest of self. These things do not fall away simply because of a new job - which I might add I think you'll be utterly brilliant at.
You are you. Which is why I've always had a thing for you.
you are amazing, and really thats all there is to it.
you are as brave as brave can be.
I especially love the part about only needing enough strength to get over this particular hurdle, not every one that is coming for the rest of your life. (i think this is what I needed to hear right this very minute).
One step at a time...
I am so glad you feel this way. That you are afraid, and then reassured. I need to see this in someone else - someone I have no doubt is strong enough to pull through.
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