ease in the moment

September 24, 2010 Candace Morris 5 Comments

Evening's Balm

This week has been a whirlwind.  I've found that I am a bit less capable of handling stress than I thought.  My heart still races, my breath eludes me, my mind obsesses.  Fear at being stressed is so much worse than the actual tasks at hand. 

It's very early.  I am unable to sleep, so I open my journal and read last night's entry.  I sat at my kitchen table and took in a rare moment of pure silence.

"How to describe this beautifully heavy silence.  I sit and the only thing I hear is a steady, faint drip of rain...an occasional whoosh of trucks driving by.  Stress and fear have returned this week in drastic measure and I am left to doubt myself, questioning if the peace of the last year was due only to the fact that I had leisure time.  God I hope not.  I am so afraid of losing myself again...but if I examine it without the fear, if I can imagine it all being sucked up by an existential, infinite vacuum (I just watched "I Heart Huckabees") then there is nothing left...no stress.  Truly, I fear the fear more than the actuality.  In the moment, I am quite capable, and all I need is strength for that particular moment, not for the rest of my foreseeable future.  Back again to the ease of the moment."

In the next few weeks, I am transitioning back into fulltime work.  I've been racked with personal questions...Am I capable of going back to work and still being a writer?  I do think so, but God...I am scared.  Can I figure out a work/life balance that still allows me to write, take pictures, meet friends?  I do think so, but God...I am scared.

But that's today.  Yesterday, I found a moment of ease.  I close my eyes and cling to the mental picture of me sitting at the kitchen table, reading a letter from her, grabbing my journal, scribbling peace, and realizing that I am still quite capable of taking care of myself.

Self, there is really nothing to fear.

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