from the archives of last week
I've returned from my week of self-indulgent rejuvenation provided for me by Mrs. UmberDove. Truth be told, I was originally headed down to be with her as she started chemotherapy, but since our healthcare system is determined to make things as difficult as it can, that has since been postponed. It was a conflicting thing...for I did want to be there as support and distraction during treatment, but it was also so nice for us both that she got to be herself...well, thriving, funny, energetic, inspired...for a week spent with me.
It was interesting, our conversations could be summed up in two buzz words that kept creeping up:
:: INTENTIONALITY ::
:: EASE ::
:: EASE ::
:: NOTICING ::
JOURNAL ENTRIES
_______
"cloudy. loving it. matches my desire to crawl under the blanket of my life and peak ever so gingerly, vulnerably. Read, Write, Create. Be. Take Photographs."
______
"I wander through the house, taking in the intentionality of each vignette. I find reassurance in them, quiet in them. In her. She, and her things, have always put me at EASE. Stuff. The intentional stuff. This is a definition of home to me."
_______
"The earth is so marvelous. So worthy of staring, gawking, of marvel. We know this as kids, how to we unlearn it? Teenagers. The worst thing a human soul must endure, teenage years. We learn then to marvel at ourselves, our insides, our emotions, our relationships. If we don't come full circle, we're fucked."
_______
"Stumbled into this Finnish Spa...outdoor hot tubs with a cafe inside. Magically, a live folk band plays. A gentleman sitting close...smells of patchouli and unbathed skin, but also smoke and something else intoxicating. The band plays this beautiful exotic Swedish folk song and I feel completely transported."
"I can nap, I can talk or not talk, I can refresh myself as I would alone. Interesting to observe myself letting go and having anxiety about truly relaxing, flashing moments of the fear of boredom when boredom is the bitch I came to pursue."
_______
"Today I skim the surface of the soul. I crave a mindless exercise...a movie perhaps. My many thoughts threaten to delve me into depths of analysis and emotion of which I am simply not capable. I love how we can be separate together as we wander through bookstores and sit in silent reverie."
_______
"Just returned from a five mile picture walk. Have underestimated how I missed her so. I suppose feeling so good about her, in turn, helps me feel good about myself again. If I admire her, then I admire what she admires, so I can therefore borrow her perspective and see myself in a loving way. This is not unlike my saint. This reconnection with her brings me to the version of myself I most love."
_______
"Something the yoga teacher said this morning keeps repeating in my head. Though striving towards betterment is innate to the human soul, we must remember that we are just as we should be right here and now. The product of our striving is not the way towards satisfaction, but being at ease in the moment."
And there you have it folks...a truly sacred week of rest for me.
I ate well, slept well, exercised well, wrote well, and loved well.
It was a very, very long drive home.
But somewhere between the Northern California seaside and the great open fields of Central Oregon,
I put the year to rest
and decided to forgive it
for being so relentlessly wretched.
And thereby forgiving myself for feeling similarly.
_______
"cloudy. loving it. matches my desire to crawl under the blanket of my life and peak ever so gingerly, vulnerably. Read, Write, Create. Be. Take Photographs."
______
"I wander through the house, taking in the intentionality of each vignette. I find reassurance in them, quiet in them. In her. She, and her things, have always put me at EASE. Stuff. The intentional stuff. This is a definition of home to me."
_______
"The earth is so marvelous. So worthy of staring, gawking, of marvel. We know this as kids, how to we unlearn it? Teenagers. The worst thing a human soul must endure, teenage years. We learn then to marvel at ourselves, our insides, our emotions, our relationships. If we don't come full circle, we're fucked."
_______
"Stumbled into this Finnish Spa...outdoor hot tubs with a cafe inside. Magically, a live folk band plays. A gentleman sitting close...smells of patchouli and unbathed skin, but also smoke and something else intoxicating. The band plays this beautiful exotic Swedish folk song and I feel completely transported."
"I can nap, I can talk or not talk, I can refresh myself as I would alone. Interesting to observe myself letting go and having anxiety about truly relaxing, flashing moments of the fear of boredom when boredom is the bitch I came to pursue."
_______
"Today I skim the surface of the soul. I crave a mindless exercise...a movie perhaps. My many thoughts threaten to delve me into depths of analysis and emotion of which I am simply not capable. I love how we can be separate together as we wander through bookstores and sit in silent reverie."
_______
"Just returned from a five mile picture walk. Have underestimated how I missed her so. I suppose feeling so good about her, in turn, helps me feel good about myself again. If I admire her, then I admire what she admires, so I can therefore borrow her perspective and see myself in a loving way. This is not unlike my saint. This reconnection with her brings me to the version of myself I most love."
_______
"Something the yoga teacher said this morning keeps repeating in my head. Though striving towards betterment is innate to the human soul, we must remember that we are just as we should be right here and now. The product of our striving is not the way towards satisfaction, but being at ease in the moment."
And there you have it folks...a truly sacred week of rest for me.
I ate well, slept well, exercised well, wrote well, and loved well.
It was a very, very long drive home.
But somewhere between the Northern California seaside and the great open fields of Central Oregon,
I put the year to rest
and decided to forgive it
for being so relentlessly wretched.
And thereby forgiving myself for feeling similarly.
To the pursuit of ease,
 |
| Mme. visits Umber |
If you are more curious than was sated by the above superfluity of photographs, please click your on the above photo album for even more nonsense.
7 comments:
Beautiful post Ms. Candace. I'm sure all of your readers have been waiting for it patiently, just like me. When I saw it, I put my hand to my chin, and unconsciously played Grizzly Bear's 'Foreground' on repeat. Surprisingly, I didn't cry my eyes out but it has to do with each word you got here. It is sincere, dark and light. Perfectly balanced.
Thank you for sharing.
I love looking through you blog and really enjoyed this post. I also love that you have the book "A Homemade Life" on your coffee table. I use that book all the time!
Having one of those moments where the things I want to say will simply not be translated by taping on these keys.
So know instead that the morning after you left, it tore at my heart a little to make breakfast alone. loves and then some.
- me
Such a sensational post Candace. I took my time and really gazed into each and every picture.
Absolutely beautiful and bursting with soul.
♥
Jaime
I think you truly have the power to transport with your words. Your voice is as magical to me as the wide fields through which you walked. I am awed by you Candace.
your photos, words, and thoughts are all beautiful. :)
I adore the idea of living with intention, living deliberatley. You are quite the woman Mrs Morris...
I'm forever late to these posts but, for the record, this one was especially delish.
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