just a little something extrodinary

April 20, 2009 Candace Morris 6 Comments

oh unfocused, anxious morning. much to do, much inspiration had, but no ability to sit and give any one thing the attention it deserved. nothing urks me more than reading plath and thinking of how i will organize my closet or writing in my journal whilst angsting over dinner recipes. i want to live in a moment with simplicity and focus.

focus has been somewhat problematic for me since the lay off fiasco. i have lists and lists of projects and potentials, but when i put my hand to these tasks, my mind wanders all over the other tasks and i get upset that i am not enjoying that very moment. i have let up on being super focused as i once was and have instead attempted to let the flow of life wash over me and do what i can when i can and leave the rest alone.

that being said.
this morning i decided to write on paper before i got sucked into my computer routine. in some sick way, being at a desk for a certain number of hours legitimizes my day (old habits are hard to break, eh?) so in an effort to make the desk time more simple, i decided to write before i did anything else. it helped me focus and simplify my complex feelings about the day.

it is also about 75 degrees and blue skies here in seattle, so i decided to simplify further by sitting in the park across the street for morning reading. i sunbathed in the gift of rilke's poetry and plath's journals. i felt inspired, i felt simple, i felt tranquil.

at one point, i lightly chuckled aloud when sylvia said, "I worry about becoming too happily stodgily practical; instead of studying Locke, for instance, or writing...I go make an apple pie or study the Joy of Cooking, reading it like a rare novel. Whoa, I said to myself, You will escape into domesticity and stifle yourself by falling headlong into a bowl of cookie batter"(269). A gregarious fellow sunbather asked me, "Is what you are reading funny?"

side self-analysis/explanation here: i do not find myself especially prone to talking to strangers. i have become less and less wary of it, but in general, i am happy keeping to myself. i have been known to experience small amounts of mortification upon witnessing such outgoing behavior and therefore shy from making the first move in conversations. however, if people make the first move with me, i am quite comfortable and confident in my replies...

so much to my surprise, i ended up chatting with this gal for 45 minutes. we spoke of religion, work, britney spears*, marriage, family. it was quite pleasant, actually. this may be no rare occurrence for you, but i neither make friends easily or seek to make friends readily. the most extraordinary part of the conversation for me was when i said, "I am a writer...a photographer...an artist" in response to her "what do you do" question. Granted it was laced with all sorts of disclaimers and caveats but I said it. And even more happy to me is the realization that I believed it.

I believe that I am an artist and can feel it fully without fear. Even if I never produced anything that gets recognition, never make a single dime from my work, never excel in my craft...i am an artist.

It is no small thing the way self-definition can both empower and defeat a person. I have been on both sides of this shiny little coin and I am happy to say that today has empowered me.

I am exceedingly glad i decided to bask in the sun at Thomas Street Park for now I can calmly find my afternoon tasks in the pleasant corners I left them.

pealing the stupid sticker off this plum and biting in with juicy joy,
the woman-child.

*another happy part of this conversation was that despite having VERY different tastes and carrying ourselves in VERY different manners, we were connecting. i will never roll my eyes at loud cell phone talking blonds again. well, at least i will think twice about it anyway because talking loudly on cell phones really is a pet peeve.

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