an evening of one's own

April 15, 2011 Candace Morris 1 Comments

There are weeks when I just don't have much to say ignoring all the noise in my head is the only way to relax.  This isn't my usual modus operandi; instead, I usually engage that voice by journaling and reading and much contemplative quiet time (man, I lead a really nice life).  However, my biggest struggle this week has been not coming down too hard on myself for spending my evenings wrapped up in the boob-tube.

It's that continued internal struggle:
What I want to do versus what I think I SHOULD do.

I admit.
The should usually loses.

So when I was presented with a night all to myself, I had many ambitious lists - organize my desk, walk around the lake, call my girlfriend.  I like having ideas and plans for those days when what I want to do eludes me.  However, I have had to learn to remain flexible with these lists - knowing that my mood, as much as it gets discredited in modern society for its illogical influence on our daily lives, is every bit a part of my soul and psyche as my will and desires are.

SO I did whatever I wanted.
It's funny - it wasn't much different from other days this week, but the difference was a nuanced self-judgement of my activities.  Instead of being ashamed that I sat in front of the TV, I decided to just enjoy it.  What's the point of relaxing if you spend the entire time in angst that you should be doing something else?  Just DO SOMETHING ELSE. I'm really working on this kind of living-in-the-moment.

My mantra:
Brining intentional awareness to each activity will give it life. Do nothing out of blind habit or rigid self-definition. With the precious little amount of leisure time the universe grants, do what you want, when you want.

This isn't a recipe for goal-attainment, obviously.  Many of you need more more defined parameters to motivate yourself towards activities you want for yourself, but in Candace-land, self-discipline is a dirty, dirty word.  Instead, I believe using my desires is a better way to get to my goals.  I WANT to be healthy - I WANT to move, to drink less, to write more.  Great.  But I also WANT macaroni and cheese for every meal, want to drink a bottle a wine, and want to be mindlessly entertained for hours and hours.  Granted, I will probably never be in great shape or arrive at any grandiose achievements, but I am okay with that.

Instead, my goal is to love my life.
To never, ever suffer through the shoulds.

All of this to say, I had an evening alone, and this is what I made of it:

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I came home and put on music right away.

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Hall and Oats radio, thank you very much.
(Later, this became tedious, so I switched it to "Tina Turner" radio - the best artist seed ever! I then danced foolishly all around my kitchen.)

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Read a lovely postcard while unpacking the groceries.

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Poured a glass of Primativo while prepping the veggies for a greek salad.

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Wandered to the window and people watched for a while.
(Look at that sately beast!)

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Gazed idly at the clouds.

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Got back to making dinner.

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Ran out back to cut some fresh parsley for my pasta.

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INNNHHHAAALLLE.

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A happy coloring.

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Dinner.

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Bliss.

Happy Friday, chickadeeeee, dee, dee.


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