I have a rule about shopping (which I must admit I do very rarely - the physical act.  I am an almost 100% online shopping gal, even down to my groceries and hairspray (thank you amazon fresh!) ).   If I see something I think I want and don't feel I can purchase it right then and there, I have a little trick for myself to decide if I REALLY want it or if it was just an impulse and I had some monies burning a hole in my purse.

I go home and if I think about the item at least 3 times in the next week or look at 3 items similar to it, then I definitely want it and if I can afford it, go and grab it up.

So there were these gladiator wedges at H&M recently that weren't in my size and I wasn't prepared to buy at the time.  However, I thought of these shoes for probably 6 weeks now...looking at several wedges online.  Finally, yesterday, I was meeting a friend in a different part of town and decided to hit up that H&M to see if they had these particular shoes.  I spent about 20 minutes scouring for them, and JUST as I was about to walk out the front door, I spotted them.  They had my size (well, close enough) and I scooped them right up.  What joy is mine!

This particular purchase was  a reward to myself for reaching a goal in my weight-loss plan this last week.  Although it was a very minor victory, I really have to dramatize if for myself in order to keep motivated for the next 12 weeks.  They aren't particularly well-made or even all that amazing, but they have all the right nuances of what I wanted.

Please skip this numbered list if you find yourself 
uncaring or bored about the particular shoe criteria of this  girl.

I am quite pleased indeed.

This joyous find happend to coincide with the arrival of another self-reward I the Easter Bunny had purchased for Joel and myself.  Last April, I bought my first pair of TOMS and have been just pleased as punch with them.  Consequently, I have been rather eager indeed for the second purchase.  I decided to use the celebration of Spring to say to myself, "Self! You deserve a reward because it's beautifully sunny outside."

(Or in Seattle's case..."because it WILL be beautifully sunny outside, damn it!")

Now don't tell my smart new red TOMS that they weren't my first choice.  The plumb wool cordones were SOLD OUT in my size, so I went my next favorite.  I'm still quite pleased.  My lover chose the Kenya cordones, and I admit - I now want them too.
(Can we pull off matching shoes? Hmmm.  It makes my stomach a little sick to see it, so I am guessing NO.)

 I hope the shoeless African children appreciate the extent to which I am willing to invest in their health!

This morning, as I opened my eyes unto the relationships I've poured myself into, I realized how loved I feel and even more importantly, am.  The reality of why I feel that way has more to do with how I feel about myself these days than about how others feel.  The truth is, we can never know how anyone really feels about us, how much they love us, are committed to us, respect us, or want to be around us.  All we have is the words from their mouths assuring us of their love.  We can either believe it or not believe it.  Love is faith.

It does still amaze me however, this power we have of projection, of creating our own realities based on our psychological deficiencies.  I am in a strong period of self-doubt, even self-hate.  It surprises me, honestly.  I thought I was over this, that I had climbed my Everest of self-care.  Alas, it turns out there is more and more to uncover as we dig deeper and deeper into our souls.  I guess I turned a corner, found a rather big boulder, looked under it and found more self-hate cleverly hidden and set aside for later.  In this time, however long it lasts, I will engage myself honestly, but I admit that it's been a lot easier to blame my negative feelings on externals - family, friends, my husband.  In the end, I confess - it's me that dislikes me right now and the projection of that onto people who have committed to me isn't helpful or accurate.  Furthermore, not a single living person can love me enough to make up for my self-love deficit.  It is unfair and unhealthy to place that upon people.  This is a job for myself alone.  They do get to be a huge part of it (because honestly, I do believe that one needs to have a certain amount of love from others accrued in order to begin the process of loving self and loving others - and that without this, one cannot thrive), but they cannot be the sole source of my soul's love.

Therefore, I will open my eyes even more to see the love surrounding me...the thoughtfulness of friends, the chore-interrupting kisses of my husband, the emails from my family, and the cuddles from my feline.  I believe in the altruism of their gifts.  I will have faith that their love is true.

Today, I chose to believe that I am loved.  That I am thought of.  That I am desirable.  I chose to believe the words that come from those I love.  Perhaps then will I return to a place inside myself where I can hear my own words saying lovely things...and believe them.