you knew this was coming

January 29, 2009 Candace Morris 8 Comments

dear blog - meet octavia.
dear octavia - meet blog.

From The Cat

From The Cat

From The Cat

From The Cat

For those of you who predicted these were coming, you are brilliant.
For those of you who want more, you may gander over here:
The Cat

~three scratches, two bites, and lots of ladykitty hair everywhere,


middle man

January 28, 2009 Candace Morris 4 Comments

oh wednesday.
how you drag and pull.
yank and cull.
ying and yang.

i awake and i ready
{perhaps today will include a lid of eyeshadow and sleek bun}
my new feline, Octavia, purrs around my black sweater
{and the great hair war begins - note to self, get lint brush}
i stop in for a cafe au lait
{which stupid sbucks renames to coffee/misto. how primitive}
i sit to desk and as my work outlook loads, i open my webpages, in this order:
  • gmail
  • wall street journal - following Obamas first 100 days
  • daily candy
  • google reader - which sends me all over the place looking at blogs.
  • blogger to write this and am working on a idea for booklings and visually ink-lined.
  • seattle public library {to request a cat book recommended by jenae}

i am interrupted in my world by an actual work request. the audacity!

things to do today:

  • research scratching posts
  • scan and email jackie the chapter about introverted children from the book i am gobbling up, The Introvert Advantage.
  • finish my coffee
  • prepare for tutoring session. this week we are now doing us history, which is okay - but a bit less fascinating than last weeks Emerson and Thoreau lesson.

that's about it. sigh.

at least i have a new friend to come home to! i have to talk about her for a bit. {sorry, no pics yet}.

this sweet treasure came into my life via tragic circumstances. her previous owner took his 21-year old life last weekend. this young man was a tenant in kelly's building, so she talked to joel and i about adopting his cat, Octavia. we discussed it and decided that we would entertain the option, but as it turns out - we became her owners within 24 hours. it was so nice not to have to go shopping for a cat; i love it when things fall into our laps. the clarks arrived with food, cat, toys, and snacks in tow - and i tell you - i wish someone would show up at my house with a baby like that! :)

so she was introduced to her new home last night and she did remarkably well. she found a high, safe corner in our walk-in closet amidst our scarfs and tooks, and stayed there most of the night. only once did she wake us up - at 3am.

she is very sweet. she is very quiet. she loves to be alone.
i couldn't have picked a better match.

and perhaps miss Octavia is just what i need to get myself out of this rut.
and perhaps we are just what she needs to recover from her trauma.
yes, this 1-yr old calico with elegant green eyes may be just what the doctor ordered.

and so we meet, yet again, in the middle {which reminds me of what i read about the constitutional convention }
weary from compromise, propelled by new connections.

ah, le milieu.

~a jittery {from a coffee-only breakfast},


nous avons passé le week-end à la plage

January 26, 2009 Candace Morris 7 Comments

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

In moments of sheer ease...ease of schedule, ease of company, ease of silence, ease of these moments I find a new self. This new self is a self I can swallow; the self I wish I could find more. I attribute this 100% to Jessica. For whatever reason, we have been given the gift of immense compatibility with a propensity towards verbal communication, but equally adept at nonverbal cues. I feel exponentially more myself...

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

We had a lovely time. We did, by physical definition, a whole lot of nothing. By emotional standards, a magnitude: Strolls in freezing sand, seats on tempestuous rocks, skies portending and romantic, meals grandiose in taste and preparation, conversation rich in banter, insight, family, and academic acumen, silence in droves, wine in plenty, and one too many scrabble shame walks of humility.

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty
From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

From Oceanic Dirty Thirty

The worst part of the weekend was the return...a return to my ever-present anxiety and ever-meaningless job. The return to the saint was my only solace, an embrace and support I have never forgiven myself for needing so much.

It's monday night now.
I have just ordered my groceries online.
I have enjoyed yakisoba and oolong tea for supper.
I have sipped on this wee mason jar of gin for two hours.
I have nuzzled into joel's side as he watches samurai movies.

So the return was not so bad.
And it never is...
Never is as bad as we think it is.

Though sometimes, for some in far off lands (that are no so far)...
its worse than can be imagined.
I love you, there in your suffering.
I love me, here in my home.

~i think on many, and in many find thanks,

post script - see full album:
Oceanic Dirty Thirty


over here.

January 22, 2009 Candace Morris 4 Comments

i am living here today.

tomorrow, i will be gloriously leaving the city and heading to my soul: the ocean. with my soul: my red. we will be unabashedly geeking out on literature, weeping at movies, messily cooking and happily consuming food, and emptying a bottle (only one?) of vodka.

the only sound we will acknowledge is mother wind.
the only sensation on our skin, salt and ease.
the only person to care for, ourselves.
the only aim, to celebrate being thirty and being alive.

happy weekend.
i really hope it is everything weekends should be,
i know mine will be.



it's wednesday and i'm not even scared

January 21, 2009 Candace Morris 4 Comments

today i have to:
  • make our biweekly menu and matching grocery list.
  • put away the stack of clean clothes that now looks like the mt. of gibraltar.
  • research and read for my pupil (i am tutoring again).
  • read and rest.
i never:
  • go to bed without brushing my teeth (i actually have a whole cleaning ritutal i do in order, but i will spare you...)
  • answer my phone
  • go outside with wet hair
  • miss a meal
i am looking forward to:
  • a weekend away at the ocean with my red
  • grocery shopping tomorrow
  • a package arriving for me this week
  • seeing joel tonight
i wish:
  • i were in Hawaii
  • i could buy this
  • i worked for myself
  • we were not out of vodka
on my desk:
  • a dvd
  • a nail file
  • a note pad with grocery items
  • stacks of paper to sort
wednesday has nothing on me,


one hot saturday night

January 19, 2009 Candace Morris 10 Comments

the saintly saint and i are winers and diners. we got to know each other over many a red wine, many a delicate plate of savory and sweet, and many a penny we never really had. we courted in restaurants and still would almost always prefer to go out and sip beaujolais, dip our sweet potatoes into an creamy aioli sauce, and savor truffle infused espresso mouse than stay at home and cook, clean, and drink our cheap wine.

but i have been fastidiously crunching numbers for our 2009 budget and i am determined to work on saving this year for a couple of trips we have planned which will hopefully include an anniversary soire in Mexico.

soooooo, in the spirit of savings, joelio and i decided to spend this last saturday night at home, snuggled and cuddled in our little cave with belgian beer, homemade mac & cheese, and our books.

that's right.
i spend the night with my books.
(well, we also invited The Smiths and The Alan Parsons Project to join us...)

we decided to remove all of joel's 391 books from their happy home, organize them by subject, enter and subject tag them all into his digital library at, and finally, put them into reshelving order by date of publication so that he can look at all of his theology, church history, and philosophy in historical order.

the 4 hours flew by, and it was a fascinating experience and one we both enjoyed thoroughly. it gave us both a happy taste of what it would be like to own our bookstore and work together someday.

so maybe we didn't wine and dine.
but our saturday night was still

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

From Jan 09

~books are the new black,


friday night photo

January 16, 2009 Candace Morris 4 Comments

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters, compared to what lies within us."


random midday ranting from florescent hell

January 14, 2009 Candace Morris 6 Comments

two things.
and i will keep it brief.
let it be known that the below pictured "tights" fiasco is what happened to a pair purchased for me at Urban Outfitters. while i do have a spiritual gift of snagging hosiery on obstacles such as desks, fingernails, doors, people, and plants, rest assured that this is not my special spiritual gift in play, no! these cheapies have only been worn ONCE. i will not be buying tights there again.
h u m p f!

one of my illustrious duties here in above-referenced florescent hell is to keep the office refrigerator stocked with all kinds of corn syrup poison. today, i was refilling the diet coke when i noticed this quote on the side of the box.

in case you cannot read, this poignant quote reads;
"A walk during lunch can be energizing and relaxing. Just like a Diet Coke."
WHAT THE? Did the Coca-Cola company just compare drinking a Diet Coke to a midday walk (even more concerning...are there people stupid enough to believe such nonsense)? Let's compare a walk and a diet coke, shall we?

walk: increase cardiovascular strength and burn calories (contributing to a healthy weight and low cholesterol levels).

diet coke: though it is essentially calorie free, the artificial sweeteners used for diet sodas have been linked to leukemia and lymphoma. i would say that's pretty much the opposite of energizing, since death is an energy sucker.

walk: increases the intake of fresh air, which can contribute to peace of mind and tranquility.

diet coke: since no natural elements are involved in the process of creating this iconic beverage, i sincerely doubt my peace of mind and tranquility will be restored.

walk: exercise is directly linked to better sleep.

diet coke: caffeine is directly linked to lousy sleep.

need i go on?
alas, i did say i would be brief.

~"art thou not sorry for these heinous deeds?"

[random confession #64: i never fully dry off after a shower/bath/dip in pool. i then begin to shiver violently. this drives joel mad with my illogicality.]


charlie dickens, write me a benefactor.

January 13, 2009 Candace Morris 13 Comments

I was composing a long email to my dearest friend today, and I finalized something that has been pin-balling around in my head since the new year. I will include the excerpt here 1) for you to hold me to and 2) to solidify for myself. It's vulnerable, I know - but I am probably too okay with that.

Dec 26 - i take my coffee black.

  • I will let go of what I assume others are thinking/feeling concerning me.
  • I will let go of feeling guilty about needing so much alone/non-social time.
  • I will let go of my need to be needed and let god work more fluidly in my relationships - feeding and acting upon what authentically pours out and refraining from acting out of obligation.
  • I will let go of feeling abandoned when others get together without me, realizing that I am indeed thankful that they are taking care of each other and not overly reliant upon me.
  • I will let go of the thoughts that I hate people and that I am bad at loving them and that I can exist without them.
  • I will let go of trying to preserve my image and instead preserve myself.

There is nothing like the advise, "just let go" to stir up my rebellious anger. I have never been able to do that much less find comfort in the words. In fact, they have served in the past as a demonizer of my already hellish issues. But for whatever reason, I have lately been finding some sort of courage and determination (dare I call it thick-skin?!) to let go. It has been very intentional and meticulous, but so far, not as toilsome as I anticipated. I do not think telling someone to let go will bring about the release they need, so it feels like a very benevolent gift from the cosmos...or perhaps it's all the psychological work I have been determined to see through finally paying off in some way.

Dec 26 - kettle one straight up with a twist
Perhaps if I let go organically, I can rely less on vodka. Here's to hoping.

In other news, Joel and I walked to see "Slumdog Millionaire" last night and fully enjoyed it. Though not the goal of the movie by any means, I walked away with the bursting desire to travel. There is so much of this world that I know nothing about. I was close to going home, selling all my possessions, and moving to wherever the wind takes us (this, of course, presents obvious problems for someone with my personality type, but I try not to kill my dreams before they get their own breath).

In the spirit of not killing a dream (that I know won't happen- HEY STOP IT DREAM CRUSHER), let's take a trip down my future excursions.

  • One month taking Joel everywhere I went in Europe (Paris, Avignon, Cassis, Nice, Venice, Florence, Rome).
  • One month of Joel taking me to the village he stayed in on a work trip to Poitiers, France.
  • One week in the Almafi Coast of Italy.
  • One month in Portugal and Spain.
  • One month in Morocco.
  • Six months at home.
  • One month in India.
  • A couple of weeks in China and the Philippines.
  • One month back to Germany, Switzerland, Denmark, and Norway.
  • One month in London with trips all over the British Isles.
  • Six months at home.
  • Two weeks in Mexico with my parents.
  • Two weeks in Costa Rica.
  • Two weeks in Brazil.
  • Two weeks in Chile.
  • Six months home.
  • Two weeks in the Caribbean.
  • Two weeks home.
  • Two weeks in Australia and New Zealand.
  • One month in Hawaii.
  • One year visiting friends and family in Washington DC, Orlando, Savannah, NYC, Cincinnati, Chicago, Arizona, Idaho, San Diego, Los Angeles, Lancaster, Sacramento, San Francisco, Redding, and Portland.

Yes, perhaps then I will feel as though I have lived. I have no wish to travel as an American, but would instead prefer to live with local families while in these various countries, or build houses, or feed children, or any kind of project that puts the local culture right into my hands.

So I am taking names for the position of my benefactress.
Oh Miss Havisham*, where are you?

~determined, released, and dreamy,

*Actually, Miss Havisham is not the benefactress, though Pip thinks so for most of his adult life. In fact, his secret benefactor was Magwitch, the convict. Sorry to spoil the book you should have read ages ago.


on aging: the rest is gravy

January 11, 2009 Candace Morris 1 Comments

One of the most important children in my life turned 5 yrs old this past week, and it has got me to thinking about age. I wandered through some pictures of her then and now and I marveled at what was and what is and all the in between.
One of the best things about being sick (despite the awful, seizing stomach cramps and a bath that wont cover your whole body in hot water, namely the aforementioned stomach) is the talks I have with my husband as he wanders in and out of room in his care of me. Just a bit ago, on this lazy and somewhat empty Sunday, I lay across from joel as he stroked my hair and diatribed about the biological history of botulism (aka, botox) and i zoned on what he was saying and saw the eyes of an elderly man looking back at me.

One day I will come home to this old man sitting in a chair and wonder when our bodies wrinkled because I was there every minute of our aging and I never saw it...and I will marvel at what was and what now is and all the in between.

me and my mom: 1978

SlideShowWedding 116
me and my gma: 2003

It's all got me to thinking about age.

I want to suck all the meaning out of life possible. This intensity and passion has been both poison and and antidote; but I have been more aware of it lately as I get to know myself in this time. It causes me to look at each meaningful moment and commit it to memory; therefore, it seems that every moment I love ends up with the haze of nostalgia, of something past, and as soon as I love the moment, it is history. It is past. It is aged.

I have been on a quest for some time now, the goal of which has been to reconcile the small child of myself who exists minutely inside of this oak-of-a-wise adult who has managed to make everything about being mature, wise, and aged - even if it was not. I have been both miserable and elated on this journey, but with one part I am especially intrigued today. In the attempt to reconcile my child, I thought I would feel much younger. I thought I would be like my mother who at the age of 45 said that she still felt 18. But the case for me is that the more I pursue a holistic Candace who encompasses both innocence and sagacity, the older I feel. But it's not an older like what I always thought - it's a lovelier. It's the becoming of one person who has never lived before me and will never live again.

And while that sounds hugely self-possesed to me, I think I am beginning to see the outward signs of aging as naturally as the unobtrusive seattle drizzle that escapes your notice entirely until you enter your home and your coat is damp.

"The terms are clear: if you want to live, you have to die; you cannot have mountains and creeks without space, and space is a beauty married to a blind man. The blind man is Freedom, or Time, and he does not go anywhere without his great dog Death. The world came into being with the signing of a contract. A scientist calls it the Second Law of Thermodynamics. A poet says, 'The force that through the green fuse drives the flower/Drives my green age.' This is what we know. The rest is gravy" (181). - Annie Dillard: Pilgrim at Tinker Creek.

~and all the rest...


december evenings: show and tell...and post scripts of pavarotti

January 07, 2009 Candace Morris 5 Comments

i have been blogularly absent since returning to work on monday because (surprise of all surprises) i have been somewhat busy at work.

though it's annoying, it's highly welcome.
though it's meaningless work, it brings me use and productivity.
how can this be?

welcome to being freaking me (not that it's worse than being any one else - pet peeve #492: i hate it when people imply that about no one has it as bad as they do or any kind of shameless ploys for pity. it lacks compassion and perspective), but i seem to exist in an incessant amount of contradiction, hypocrisy, and paradox.

but back to the matter at hand.

my to do list has been haunted for an entire week now by the appropriate ending to the December Evenings project. though i still wait for my 2009 calendar to arrive, i realize we are already deeply entrenched into the first week or so of January, and I must pay my respects to the project that kept my creative juices flowing and my humbugary spirits from bathing in the spiked-nogg.

internet, i would like to introduce you to the talented group of people i now call my friends (some i already did, some i now do). seriously. look how talented and beautiful they are.

thank you, fellow photographers, artist, friends, humans.

here are my favorites from each individual...appearing in no particular order:

Formidable Friends
formidable friends by QuirkyEye

Cum <span class=
Cum Sanctus Spiritus by Rebecca Gomes

9DEC2008: Post Youth Group
Post Youth Group by Brian Wigand

Junior <span class=
Junior Photog by horseychicken

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Nightime Baking by Emily Burtt (my favorite dweller of Australia - also, check out her etsy shop!)

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xmas morning walk by jordan (dwelling in canadian subzeros!)

December 07 B
December 07 B by Jeremy Rosenlund (an ex student and burgeoning photographic genius)

December Twenty Four
December Twenty Four by The Good Which (MY SISTER!!!)

one exposure night by mapleleif (the first artist who saw the artist in me...)

Dec 16<span class=
Dec 16th: Christmas Tree in York by Chris Bradley (our UK dweller extraordinaire and future travel guide/host :) )

{12.15} the hardest question
{12:15} the hardest question by the highest heel - my parallel-o-friend dwelling so far away...

Days End
Days End by The Noisy Plume - sister, mother, daughter, friend. check out her etsy shop!

<span class=
dec4: c'est fin by IscahMara - my favorite redhead and comfort

My Constant Companions
My Constant Companions by Kelly Clark - buy one of her handmade, luxurious, and soulful pillows from her etsy shop, then go check out her paintings and save up to buy!!!

December Twenty One.
December Twenty One: pick up the pieces and go home by Mme. Bookling.

I am really thankful to have this caliber of work and communal participation. Thank you for encouraging my own work by jumping on board with my projects.

Who will start the next one in a few months?

I really do know some inspiring folk.

"to me, fair friend, you never can be old
for as you were when first your eye I eyed,
such seems your beauty still. "

~raising a {second} glass to you,
lady whit

and i just welled up in sobs of tears because Pavarotti came on my pandora station...(send me your email and i will share it with you)