decisions, decisions
The inbetween spaces, you know...the conversations you have while tidying up after dinner or the thoughts you have while driving to and from the grocery store or the exchange you have with a squirrel out of your office window...the spaces where the living of your life actually occurs. The inner life.
In our inbetweens here, we've been discussing at length how one makes decisions. How we come to know our path, what we chose to pursue with ambition or what we decide to accept as fate from the divine other, the universe, or the cosmic emptiness (depending on your point of view, of course). In many ways, I think religion tries to apply moral codes to decisions, and in many ways that can make hard choices much easier. For me, it only obscured my voice, rendering me inert in the momentum of life.
When we face the big questions, when we are forced to act upon what we only spoke of theoretically in the past, when we are hit with a reality versus a potential, the decision isn't really what we will do. The decision is who we will let this path make us. But hell, that's so fucking hard to see when you are trying to make a decision for you, your family, your life. I think the illusion is that that there is a right/wrong decision at all - even in matters of morality.
We find ourselves in places we never envisioned. We fight against this reality and try to force our mind back into a future well-planned and pour ourselves into those hopes, continually perpetuating the problem. But this way, we never get to see what we are made of.
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation
can that which is indestructible be found in us."
Pema Chodron "When Things Fall Apart"
Since I no longer profess Christianity, I am trying to rebuild my moral code in an attempt to understand why and how I make the decisions I make. It takes an enormous amount of effort to unpack (not necessarily extract, mind you) something so intrinsically bound to your strands of DNA, and not all of it is toxic to me. I didn't leave the church because I was wounded by it. I left because my path led me elsewhere, to questions unanswerable, which is the best kind of question. This is all fine until a real choice about one's real life must be made. And then, then my friends...you fucking know who the fuck you are.
You are strong, wise, capable, empowered, and my dear girl...you can sure as hell trust yourself. I promise.
So in my church, the human brain...I have found that a place to make decisions is in the wise mind (thanks therapist). It's that elusive sweet spot where emotion and logic play well together. I'm eternally striving to give each a voice so they can know their strengths and weaknesses. It's work, that's no joke.
What's going on in your inbetweens? What are your thoughts and questions? I hope for you that you find the courage to let them annihilate you.
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