Status Update"How ARE you," many of you ask. I shall endeavor to give an adequate and precise response.
Friday was rough for me. It was the first time I was too tired to manage Bowie's squirmy and ineffective feeding tendencies and was getting so frustrated that I needed to hand her off and get out of the house. Thankfully, my mother was able to take her and I spent the next hour wandering around the neighborhood with tears streaming down my face. I wondered what other passers-by must be thinking. I didn't care.
It's a wretched feeling, being frustrated with something so small and helpless. I am not dwelling on it or berating myself for losing my patience with her, as I am actually quite proud that I knew what to do and did it instead of making her and I both suffer through a bad feeding. It is natural, especially under the sleep deprivation, to more quickly deplete the reserves of one's politeness.
After returning from my walk, Joel and I sat on the swing. I was lock-jawed and he knew I needed something to reset the day. We agreed that my Mom could stay with Bowie while we went for happy hour at Via Tribunali.
First of all, oh the glorious return to booze. The wonderful invention of breast-pumps and stored breast milk. Oh the joy of having one's body back and wearing jeans with a zipper and buttons instead of elastic! As Joel and I slipped into our old selves, he said rather endearingly, "Oh how I've missed you...my favorite drinking buddy." It was enough to make me cry. One cocktail in was enough to release my words to my husband as we huddled together in the nook of the bar, speaking candidly of our new roles and how we could better assist each other. I really am most happily married.
That date shifted something. The next morning, Bowie met Auntie Jess, and it also revived my spirits greatly to see my Red in all her glory and mourning. Her aura is so green. I've been in such good spirits ever since, seeing the way my new life is unfolding, how fleeting all the hard work is, and feeling so much better about it. I'm also really enjoying having my energy back! I no longer have to sit down to do my makeup or brush my teeth or get dressed. I can do several chores at a time and actually complete a day's to-do list. Despite sleep clouding my head, I can feel it beginning to sharpen again - as it was pre-pregnancy. I crave mental stimulation and find myself returning to journaling. I am recovering some of my social energy as well, trying to remember that the very best way to deal with any kind of depression - post-postpartum or otherwise - is to talk about it.
So, I am well. This week, I am well.
Joel is trying to finish Skyrim.
Bowie is getting fat.
Octavia is still fat.
And so we live.