In one week

July 07, 2012 Candace Morris 2 Comments

I keep reminiscing about this time last week.  What part of labor was I in?  I ask Joel what really happened, what that nurse's name was, how long I labored in the tub. What was going through his mind?  Was it really that much pain or am I remembering gently? 19 hours of labor feel surreal in hindsight.  I ponder all our decisions, were they the correct ones for us?  I feel good about it all.

With sleepy but contented eyes, I take inventory of the week.  Joel's parents stayed with us for a few days, and I never knew how much help we would really need.  From the extra hands to fold new little clothes to the sustaining generosity of others to provide meals, I've been very cared for.  My Mum arrived this morning, and the house is quiet as everyone naps, lulled to sleep by the perfect July breeze as it gently nudges our wind chimes.  Today feels good.  

I love paradox.  In that regard, this baby-mooning is fascinating.  I am continually seeing old items combine with new items.  It feels so strange and disorienting, my new life.  But then I watch Joel cuddle with Bowie, and I read my Victorian novel in the bathtub, and we sip lattes from Zoka...and life feels again as it was, familiar and comforting.  I'll ride the undulating waves of paradox for some time now, and at the best of times, I can be gentle with myself.  At the worst?  Hell, I just sleep as much as I can.  Crying too.  It's so good for the soul.

Bowie is really quite easy and laid-back thus far.  This could be the newborn haze exaggerated by her even earlier birth, but we are still sleeping a lot.  We find that this might be sustainable...full well knowing that next week, she'll change not only the game, but probably all the rules as well.  It is a strange existence, to focus almost solely on making sure a small human is fed, cleaned, healthy, warm, and sleeping.  While all consuming, I still hear my strong mind vocalizing its analysis, grabbing the newness and wringing out all the new lessons it has for me.  Even when I am fully engaged in her, I find the voice doesn't quell so much as combine with hers. I've not found anything profound yet, but I figure new life is in itself profound enough.  Yes, quite profound enough indeed.

To one week of her life leading me into the first week of motherhood.  It's not so bad, except the outfits and all the leaking.

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