Musings of a Mum: 27 Weeks

May 08, 2012 candacemorris 2 Comments

Baby Star Scout,

I hope you've been savoring the brain food I've gorged upon lately.  Your brain is working overtime these next few weeks to connect its synapses and form tissues, and I find it coincidental that I have also experienced a resurgence of academic inspiration and cerebral activity.  I am reading so many good books! I can't wait to tell you about them.  I think the brain is the sexiest organ a human can possess, and so even if you do turn out to be the world's next Gisele, know that I will do all I can to show you the worth you posses internally.

As Mother's Day approaches, I've been fantasizing more and more about how we will relate.  I've been in many leadership roles throughout my life, many of them dealing with the raising of children.  However, I've never seen myself perform as a mother, and despite the innate confidence from past experiences and a the general knowledge of relating to babies, I am still wise enough to know that I will be clueless most of the time.  Will I continue to despise how irritable I can be with your father?  Will I always struggle with wanting to control you?  Will you become Type-A, simply due to my neurotic linear tendencies?  Despite doing all this work to check my expectations of the kind of human I want to produce, will I still be unable to make my thinly-veiled opinion a positive resource in your development, or will it crush you on several occasions? Oh my god.  What if you don't want to go to college?!!!  And here's this thought, since no human is guaranteed a certain number of years on this planet, will I be able to enjoy the now with you instead of continually working to form you into a future version of yourself?  The truth is, I can imagine all manner of scary person you could become, for there are many archetypes of human I greatly struggle to love.  However, what I keep reminding myself is that I've been given a keen third-eye.  This vision has served me well especially when teaching, as a good teacher is required to see past the facade of a student and into their true, child-like self.  May it be that I always see your spirit and soul, may I be given the clearest vision of the honest, beautiful you.  When I forget this person as she screams at me at age 6months, 6, and 16, may the cosmos remind me of it.  I have no desire to avoid mistakes; I simply desire that you leave our nest in full possession of your parent's love and support of whomever you decide to become.  It's a bonus if you are also a cool person, but by no means a requirement for our love.

Humanity is the most gorgeous, most tragic of evolutionary endeavors. My atoms love your atoms, sweet little miracle.

Your dad and I also remarked to each other recently that you will have such a different childhood than either of us did.  For one, you will be exposed to parents who drink! ;)  Also, you may not be the outside kid Joel was, nor the worrier child I was.  Organized religion will not be the culture in which you grow up, as it was for us both.   I suppose I always knew this, but it's so strange and fascinating to think about all the things that will form you into YOU.

You are moving SOOO MUCH!  The other night, you performed a synchronized swimming routine for your father's hand.  While disturbed by these movements, (you will understand when you see the movie "Alien") we are also much enamored by them. Additionally, I can feel myself entering a lovely time of pregnancy.  When women say, "I loved being pregnant!" it is most likely this time they are remembering.  Only, it took 6 months to get here!  I am proud that I was gentle with myself through the journey.  

Just keep doing what you do, and I'll gladly co-exist for as long as humanly possible,

The Voice