trial separation

November 02, 2011 Candace Morris 8 Comments

Well thank the gods that little experiment is OVER!  Joel arrived safely back into Seattle's brisk arms ever-so-early this morning.  After 3 hours of sleep, he sauntered off to work this morning like the hard worker I fell in love with 10 years ago.

A few months ago, in an effort to rebalance our marriage a bit, we decided that Joel needs to start travelling more.  I always go away, using our air miles and monies to visit friends and family.  Last year, I lived with my sister in San Diego for 12 weeks.  When people encountered me vacationing sans husband, they started in befuddlement   "We are just really independent and enjoy missing each other," I would reassure them.

I was full of ignorance.  Turns out, it's the one leaving that gets all the independence and freedom.  When the tables turned and I was the one at home pining for Joel for the 15 days of his absence, shit got ugly.  My brain messed with my being and it wasn't fun.  Suddenly I found myself trying to be as social as possible, not wanting to journal or write for fear that delving into my brain without someone around to pull me out would result in something dark.  

I've spent a lot of time thinking, hoping, and I daresay praying (more like a desperate pleading with the heavens) about my marriage.  It was a time to write love-letters again.  We are birthing into new people and though my questions about us do scare me, I am reminded that everyone has a story.  We are past our introduction and heading uphill to the rising action.  I'm totally fatigued, sweating, and barely recognize the path, but I am not alone and I know the denouement is ahead of us, for better or worse.

Dating: August 2001

Married: June 2011

"I don't know what the future holds but I am willing to walk into the darkness (or flames) holding your hand.  I believe in you... and I believe in us.  Our faith is the greatest church and our love is the most beautiful cathedral I have ever stood in." Joel Morris, October 30, 2011

Here's to knowing that we can never possibly know - and to my brute (his new nickname),

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