The Clarity of Distance
[Journal Writings]
Feb 14, 2013
12:33 p.m.
I'm sitting here at Zoka, alone and sipping a steamy Americano. I ordered it 'for here.' I don't remember the last time I ordered something to stay.
12:33 p.m.
I'm sitting here at Zoka, alone and sipping a steamy Americano. I ordered it 'for here.' I don't remember the last time I ordered something to stay.
I woke this morning anxious, or perhaps excited? It's true that the highly-anxious personality often has a hard time distinguishing anxiety from excitement, since they are essentially the same physiological sensation. I nearly cancelled my plans for this moment. There has been a lot invested in this moment, a personal journey of epic proportions to my small existence. I've hired my friend Niki to watch Bowie for several hours a month, and not so I could go to an appointment or do anything required of me. I hired her entirely to get away from being a Mom for a small while.
First, there is the initial idea that it would be nice to run errands alone again, to perhaps go on a photograph walk or visit the sea shore. There is the emotional struggle of wondering how deserving I really am of those hours. Working through that took a few weeks.
Second, there's the progress of thinking a thought to vocalizing a thought. There's telling Joel and then working through his thoughts (always supportive) but the logistics, the money, the implications.
Third, there's the finding of someone you trust. Or should I hire a professional?
Fourth: There's the agreement of scheduling with this person and the waiting for the days to arrive.
Then it's time. Just another day for Bowie, but one I've been planning for nigh on 6 weeks, and one I wanted to back out of at least 15 times. There's the self-doubt, the "I'm fine today; I don't really need this."
But here I am at Zoka, feeling so impossibly fulfilled that I'm sure to be leaking light! I can suddenly feel the goodwill and love of people; I can see atoms connected and agreeing on origin and meaning. I realize that unless I had a moment to sit quietly in uninterrupted thought to ponder this feeling I would have missed out on this new phrase I keep hearing from inside of me:
I love being Bowie's mother.
The truth is, I've had small moments of this revelation this week while hanging out with her, stroking her head of new hair, kissing her soft neck. But I don't think I allowed it a full confession. And I may never have had - if I'd not given the thought the space and solitude to emerge.
All this makes me wonder how many revelations, meditations, and epiphanies are missed because we do not pursue solitude or make room for contemplation. I needed to step back from Bowie to really see her. And I have to say, I'm not sure I've ever seen anything so beautiful.
I've often felt more in love with Joel when I'm thinking of him from afar or praising him to others. The distance creates clarity. And I can clearly see this love that permeates my life, connects me to my kin.
So I hired Niki. There's a lot I want to do with that time. I want to shop, take pictures, exercise, meet Joel for lunch...but today it just made sense to write. I just wanted to reflect on this most beautiful fulfillment given to me in a small coffee shop not 200 feet from Bowie and Niki playing in my house. I want to let this moment pervade my mind, to let this happiness truly happen to me. To not criticize it or truncate it with the knowledge that it too will pass.
- Just Let Good Happen
And for this girl who sees the bleak absurdity of existence more readily than not, to be granted this fresh perspective is nothing short of a sappy Valentine's gift of obnoxious proportions from the cosmos.
Goin' courtin' with the Universe, y'all.
I just feel like on this the day of celebrating affection and connection, that sometimes the very best way to love your life is to take a break from it. Even if you have to pay someone to do it.
3 comments:
I am so ruthless with myself when the babysitter is here on Tuesdays and Thursdays: this reminds me that coffee and journaling and being my own woman are essential. Thank you, Candace.
xoxox,
A
Lovely. I cheers my cup of tea to you!
Yesterday, I sat at my kitchen table with a book, waiting for the coffee to finish brewing. It beeped and I smiled as I heard the last of the water gurgling and splurging down through the grinds. Do you ever have those moments when you're simply struck by the beauty of your life? The sounds of the coffee, the smell of the flowers on my table, the sunlight streaming through the window, the quiet. And I was given the gift of sitting and enjoying all of it.
This push and pull between personal identity and motherhood seem to be at the cornerstone of many modern women's experience. Emphasis on 'women'. Perhaps it is because we are hardwired from past generations to only encompass the role of 'mother'. To be utterly and completely fulfilled by that one role.
These are my personal thoughts and opinions on the matter because I have wrestled A GREAT DEAL with my need for 'self' and whether or not I DESERVED to carve out time to nurture that. I didn't initially understand that needing to have time to be just me was okay. As simple as that sounds, it's actually not. It took me about four years (I know. Ridiculous.)to get my (by this time, utterly desperate) self the necessary time.
I raise my wine glass to you for not only navigating through those tumultuous and difficult thoughts, but also acting on them!
Long winded response, I know, especially since I mainly lurk and not comment, but your musings on motherhood have really struck a chord. If only I had heard and been able to share this when I was in the throes of early parenthood. I would have perhaps been a great deal saner back then!
Alysia :)
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