Today I am feeling a tiny bit lost. I feel heavy and anxious and am rapidly examining my list of normal comforts. I suppose any number of them would work if I could just sit to one task without a million more intruding my sacred mental space. I keep thinking that it's life's job to arrange things peacefully for me, that the decisions I make and the lifestyle I insist upon are obliged to make me happy.
I keep forgetting that happiness is my job.
Today, I want a team of people on it.
Elves to task.
I am not one to be easily overwhelmed. I just really need to call in sick today. I need someone to be Bowie's mum so I can go back to being the fabulous get-it-done-effortlessly girl. Though the work is not hard, it is constant.
I keep making lists thinking that once my brain has dumped these tasks and worries onto a piece of paper, it will finally know peace, it will finally relax into that sacred emptiness. Nope. It now only serves as a visual reminder of what I cannot do.
And yet it feels strange to crave peace in this environment of Bowie and I. The tasks I create are my own. I answer to no one. I wear what I want, sleep if I need, and bathe in silence (well, not recently as Bowie has decided to showcase her vocal skills). My life is enviable.
Hell, I envy it.
I have toyed a while now with the idea of writing a "Fertility, Pregnancy, and Motherhood for the Type-A" book. Today's chapter would be titled, "How to learn to endure mess."
I am visually stimulated. I need chaos to be ordered before I can relax. Pre-baby (and pre-baby stuff, geeze) I was able to keep things straightened enough to fulfill my needs. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough for me. Now, there are exponentially more messes and exponentially less time to straighten them.
This last Saturday, otherwise known as the only December day where Joel didn't work and we had no other social obligations, we were so glad to have a day to relax together. I kept saying to myself, "Okay, just finish THIS and then you can go relax with Joel." It just never came, and I spent the day in anxiety and irritation.
So I am realizing that I have a new challenge ahead of me. I must instead learn to clear the mental clutter in order to rest, since there is no physical way to have visual order as often as I need it. I cannot continue to allow these messes to rule my mood.
The next chapter in the "Type-A Mother" would be how to deal with travel anxiety. We are taking Bowie to my home in LA for New Year's, and I can almost not focus on anything else for the fears I have about travel.
Since life persists on being uncooperative, I shall endeavor to learn a new way to happiness.
The only thing that has worked thus far is deep, deep breathing.
And Christmas Lights.
And Snow Globes.
And Corny Movies.
And Eggnog with Cool Whip.
These things make me blindly giddy.