Musings of a Mum: 21-23 Weeks
Baby of the Femme Kind-
Your father jokes about how I have basically morphed into three big bumps. C'est vrai, c'est vrai. You are taking over and I keep reminding myself this means you are a healthy little bugger! You are roughly 11 inches long and just about the size of a large mango. Yummy.
I've begun the initial diagnostics on the room you will be occupying. Someday I will show you the diagrams. I've decided to leave most of my books in that room, since that kindof counts as a theme, right? Well, it's not a surprise that you will have the most beautiful room in the house - you will just love the morning and afternoon light and that wonderful purple/gray wall.
We've started our 7 weeks of birthing classes. I've was quite nervous at first - as I always am at new social situations - but the people are so nice and like-minded. We are doing these ice-holding practices which are to teach ourselves about pain management. Your dad has found that interesting. You know, sweetie - as with anything hard in life, it is so very tempting to ignore fear or block out negative feelings. Sadly, the avoidant personality will be well-taught to you, it's in your DNA. Humans do not like unpleasant things, and while I wished I could be one of those "I'm so looking forward to birth" kinds of mothers - the ones who look gorgeous sweating and exude an other-wordly peace at all times - I simply am not. I dread and fear birth, but one thing I've already discovered through these classes is that we learn much of how we feel about birth through our culture, and this culture depicts birth as this sudden, comical thing that happens to women while the idiotic dad is fainting in the corner. In realizing that it wasn't my fault that I dreaded it or couldn't visualize it, I uncovered a new little pebble of hope. That pebble will serve as the beginning of the cairn I plan to build as my defense against the dread of birth. I refuse to go through life, much less pregnancy and birth, without sifting through every possible richness that experience presents.
Have you felt this delicious sunshine through my skin? Seattle has given a true Spring, and the air is fragrant with Daphne and Azaleas. I find my my mood lifting and hope returning more and more. I am rather suddenly craving things like blow-pops and starburst. Chocolate sounds kind of gross, and I cannot GET enough protein. Pineapple, ice water, and the strange green smoothies your father makes are on my radar - and always cheeseburgers. My headaches have subsided, to be replaced with the awesome tearing of abdominal muscles. It has become increasingly frustrating to confront new incapacities. Last Saturday, I had an ambitious list that resulted in a tear-soaked husband and a nap. But when we find weakness inside, we learn to rely on others. Joel was fully capable of assisting me with the household duties, but I hated asking him to give up his days off to do so. These are the nuances of communication and expectation that change with each stage of life, no less pregnancy and child-rearing. Dear Pride, let me introduce you to your demise.
So much love from up above,
Let me leave you with this:
Already my gaze is upon the hill, the sunny one,
at the end of the path which I've only just begun.
So we are grasped, by that which we could not grasp,
at such great distance, so fully manifest—
and it changes us, even when we do not reach it,
into something that, hardly sensing it, we already are;
a sign appears, echoing our own sign...
But what we sense is the falling winds.
A Walk - Rainier Maria Rilke