Musings of a Mum: 16 Weeks
Dear Baby Femme Star
(or Starla as your Aunt Kelly affectionately teases),
This week has been many weeks converging into one. We said goodbye to Red, we said hello to Aunt Umberdove. I felt awesome and then suddenly horrible again. When I read some information about your growth stage, I was informed that you will be doubling in length and weight in the coming weeks, and now I realize why I am wildly ravenous all the time and sleeeeeeepy all of the other time.
The passage of time is strange. Your Dad and I were just watching a documentary on time - what is it? I think of it in relation to you, how this pregnancy has already felt so long, how much longer I truly have to go, and how I will feel like it was a flash in the pan upon looking back at it. Nostalgia can be so neat and tidy, wrapping up memories in ribbons and warming our hearts with only tidbits of reality.
Surprisingly enough, I am learning a lot about other people through carrying you. Apparently, there is a standard regarding how a woman should feel during pregnancy. My love, as much as I've tried - I simply haven't felt Gaia surging through my being, I feel very little other than terrible impatience for this bodily ordeal to be over and to just meet you. I am not glowing, I am not elated, I cannot seem to find a way to accurately express myself in maternity clothes (and personal style is very important to your mamma) and I dread the upcoming weight-gain, but I am still pregnant - and thank the heavens that enjoying or not enjoying the process does not disqualify me from having you. Though I hope to uncover some of this Mother Earth connectedness and privilege of bringing forth life, I am not going to judge myself any more if it never surfaces - despite people's insensitive censures. Life lesson, little lady - you cannot control how you feel, you can only control your judgments of those feelings. People telling me that I should enjoy pregnancy or that they "loved being pregnant!" doesn't mean that is how my story will unfold. I am still and ever learning to LET.ME.BE. As it is, so it goes. I hope to model this for you, for no human ever benefited from judging themselves severely. A healthy human walks the fine line between personal analysis and gentle self-improvement.
Another theme that emerged this week was the notion of suffering. As I drove on the 520 bridge, agasp with the view of the sun on the smooth water, I acutely felt the suffering of Jessica and losing her this week. I wondered about how I would nurture you through your first confrontation with a friend, your first heart-break, and any other inevitable suffering you might encounter. I though of a parent saying to their child in justification of unsolicited advice and lack of support, "I just don't want to see you get hurt!" and wondered if it is indeed a parent's job to keep their child from suffering, and hell - if it's even possible. I don't want to keep you from any lesson the cosmos has to teach you, but my own being will surely break in two to see you in pain. I want my presence in your life to be just enough support. I heard this a while back from cousin Amy - a good goal is to offer "just enough" support to our offspring. Too much and a child will never be independent enough to make it on its own, too little and the child will not have enough confidence to venture out. Many people disagree with this notion, finding it somehow withholding, but I don't. I find it soulful and I trust that it means I step out of the picture instead of creating a child who will always need me - because we will inevitably part.
We will be a strong family unit. Not because you made us one, but because you are entering into one. I sincerely hope you like it - but it's not a requirement.
Oh also, if you think of it, could you please stop pounding on my head? Thanks so much. I promise to keep feeding you all the pineapple you are requiring.
~The Voice
____________________
Musings of a Scientist:
Dear Humankind's Future,
I would like to make a deposit. Do you have any envelopes?
___________________
The baby belly stats: 36"
3 comments:
Candace,
I love these posts of yours: beautiful.
Lots of women who have had a baby will want to share their experiences with you: what I am learning late in the pregnancy is that lots of people will share their birth stories with you, too.
Sometimes they are terrifying.
Sometimes they are great... mostly it is just a wonderful lesson in continuing to learn boundary drawing, if not verbal or physical then certainly energetic.
This is an experience that no one else can have in your place, as unique as a fingerprint - have it at your own pace, on your own terms.
xoxo,
Allison
Sometimes the shared
A dear friend once advised me, "Anyone who tells you that pregnancy is a beautiful experience and you will feel glowy and elated and so connected with your baby the other time, is totally lying." While I'm sure that pregnancies differ, I, for one, appreciate your honesty and wish you so well. I am loving these sweet sweet letters. You are already such a unique, wonderful, and capable mama. xo
*entire time :)
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