Musings of a Mum: 15 Weeks
Dear Baby Femme Star,
You are a little lady baby - thanks for being cooperative for the photo shoot. I do hope you weren't too embarrassed that I posted your lady parts on the internet for all to see! Knowing you are a girl, my desire to chronicle this pregnancy grows - simply so you have some sort of resource by which to compare medical and psychological information in your own pregnancies, should you chose to have children. You had a pretty exciting weekend. You took your first plane ride, you saw your first ocean, you met your cousin Clara and Aunt Teresa, and you demanded cheeseburgers and cupcakes for all your efforts. I answered only one of your requests, since cupcakes were not readily available, but we were close to InNOut...praise the gods.
As you grow in my belly, I am sensing a shift in my own mind. All the items that need doing are slowly starting to sink in. I must be experiencing some sort of nesting instinct when I find myself falling asleep to thoughts such as, "I have to organize the medicine cabinet!" I am all aflutter with thoughts of how we will fit you into our lives, but one can never anticipate the changes - no matter how experienced or imaginative. I despise feeling under-prepared for things, so it's hard for me - but I am telling myself daily that it will all get done when it needs to, that we will figure it out as we go. I suppose I am feeling myself gradually grow accustomed to the idea of Candace as a mother. I've only really seen women raise children single-handedly, never been a part of seeing a truly unified partnering between spouses. As I start to see how much I will need to learn to share and involve your pop (and how this will not come to me naturally), I also realize how wonderful it will be to have another head to contribute thoughts, another pair of eyes when my close connection to you clouds my vision, and another pair of hands to help hold up your soul.
Your cousin Clara has my heart entirely - partly due to the bonding I had while helping raise her for 9 months, partly because she is a remarkable soul (all your cousins are pretty amazing.) If meeting you feels even remotely as strong as my love for them, I am simply going to burst. As your dad played with Clara, throwing her up in the air while she giggled and incessantly requested "again! again!," I saw visions of you and he playing together and found such peace in the idea of partnering with him to raise you. As she spiritedly challenged the boundaries around her, I choked on admiration for your Aunt's determination to help that strong will find balance without hurting her spirit. I secretly hope you are a lot like Clara, which is to say, I hope you are a lot like me (no doubt true of most parents (in fact, even wanting to have offspring is a rather narcissistic notion - biologically ingrained self-reproduction). However, if you insist on being a sunshiny, easy thing - then I suppose I'll still love you. I'll just have to rely a bit more on the Morris side of your DNA. There is an easy test. Will you wake up with an existential scowl or will you wake up with rainbows and lollipops streaming from every orifice?
As I was watching a wedding scene in a movie, I mentioned to your Aunt that I was dreading those moments in your life...first day of school, graduations, and wedding. The idea of seeing someone every single day of their lives and then suddenly not - it makes me tear up now even thinking about it. But then Teresa challenged me with, "Maybe you will be best friends? Maybe she will want to talk to you every other day." I suppose it was interesting to uncover my preconceived notions of a mother/daughter relationship simply based on my own experiences. This began an interesting conversation at the dinner table regarding having adult relationships with your children...as each of us discussed our own relationships with our parents as adults, and what are the steps - if there are any - to ensure that your child will still want anything to do with you once they are grown, I wondered what our future holds. I just heard a news segment where a couple lost their only son to war, he was 23. As I look into future, examining my daydreams and dreads, I realize most of all that we are guaranteed nothing, that deciding to bear children is such a risk for the human heart. Being human is all about sojourning, about discovering new things and lands, and my dear - you are helping me uncover my own human courage. I'm about to jump into the abyss of loving my first-born daughter, and somehow...without noticing it before, I see that I am more than equipped for the adventure.
P.S. Sorry about subjecting you to that horrific "Twilight: Breaking Dawn" movie. I felt you groaning. At least we have that in common.
Musings of a Scientist:
Baby, you get an A+ in cellular mitosis.
The Baby Belly Stats: 35.5'' around.