a peek into happy

September 08, 2010 Candace Morris 1 Comments

 [ From my journal ]
[ 1 September 2010 ]

"I suppose it just occurred to me that despite the tribulations (significant as they were) of the past year, I am happy.  Happy to me means finding stillness.  Despite a constantly changing whirlwind around me, I stand content in the hurricane of instability.  I was just preparing a cup of peppermint tea.  It's only 8:30am and I've already made zucchini bread, showered and dressed, and have sat down to write.  It was during the heating of my water and opening the yogi tea packet that happiness dawned on me.  "May your inner self be secure and happy."  I agreed with the wish and then realized I was already there. Shocked at the idea, I quickly scanned my life to grab all the reasons why this preposterous notion could not possibly be true.  Many circumstances, significant sadness, transitions, finances, relational complications - but alas, I look out my kitchen window and felt remarkably good inside.  It might be the calming fog of Fall, the cool weather making me crave classical music and challenging literature, but more so I believe it is because I've managed to take care of myself.  

I've done a lot of work in the last four years.  When I failed so miserably at self-care while teaching, I had to spend so much time sifting through a flea market of tools...picking up many to find they were not intended for me.  Now, I have a carefully planned shelf (a self-care cabinet, if you will) all for me.  I can now easily find and reach the things I need to do to love my time alone and get the most soul out of a sporadic and scare amount.

The hope.

Another significant symptom of my depression.  When depressed, the only banal question plaguing my thoughts is to ask "What's the point?"  Often with a bleak answer.  Some answer MUST be found in order for me to find relief from the weighted sadness.  Now, although I have no answer, the very question plagues me less.  It seems really far away in a forbidden forest...or if I can access the question, I feel it is somehow not intended for me right now.  I hope to god this does not make me naive.  But the hope is back."

In an ethereal, existential, transcendent way,
I think I'm finally getting better.

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