With my own sister and niece gone, with Kelly having moved, and now Devon...and with more family moving away in the next year (Brian, Jenn and Olive are moving to California and and Tim and Julie are moving to North Carolina this summer), I am beginning to feel like it must be something I've done. 

The theme of losing has been prevalent and deeply sad for me of late.  It seems that as we learn to love without expectation or fear, the more we practice letting go and accepting other people's decisions for their lives.  In the most childish way, I want my kin's decisions to center around being close to me...but in my wise-ish parts, I understand and truly desire that they do what is best for themselves and their families.  But God...it's so damn hard.  I'm quite tired of it and frankly, don't know how much more I can handle.

i needed an escape. i took a green drive. it rained. it cried. everything was wrong. allison goldfrapp'ed me into her bosom and made it better.


now, it's later. i am sitting in one of my favorite spots in all of eternity - my in-law's. (strange? you have to meet them to understand). The boys are playing some Tri-Ominos, I sit and gaze at this dreamy new cookbook my lovely devon gave me as a housewarming present...mmmmm, the food of france. the book could never be as lovely as my devon, but it's a damn fine present. what should i cook, my pets? how about some cauliflower soup? crepes suzette? maybe a light salade nicoise?


friends, it's hard to keep writing when what's inside feels unacceptable or unbeneficial to share. i want to do it anyway, because i really need it. so i guess... sorry, my loves, but this is for me. this one i am saving for my achy soul today. how i long for the release of soul that comes from the sweet sound of pressy keys and the scribble of pen to parchment.

for some of the first times in my life...i know it. i know anger.

it
feels
cleansing.

i guess
f
i
r
e
does
that
to
you.


some weekend highlights to share:

• thomas street bistro. yes, it's on my street. joel and i are 2 for 2 on hoorah restaurants within walking distance of our abode. a shift in some really upsetting friday energy came in the form of a random $400 bonus that joel came home with....with accolades from his job. he then treated me to a meal out (a rather scary portion of income goes to our dining experiences, she confesses sheepishly). we lazed over a 3 hr meal, four courses, a bottle of wine, and fabulously cute frenchman telling us cute stories about his provencial town. we then meanderd round about ways to our house, stopping at an ivy-COVERED brick building that joel was very tempted to ascend. once we got home, we enjoyed a rousing game of boogle, and despite your guesses that i would win (due to my superb wordsmithery), we were tied.
  
  

• my baby sister-in-law, julie had her bridal shower. as with most women in relationships where they are loved, she continues to grow ever lovleier and more whole.
• an amazing saturday night meal with jason and devon. joel was very on his game and his cooking skills wowed us all. it felt so right to host our first dinner in the new place, and joel and i keep saying how much we love our home. we then took a midnight walk, the four of us, through our urban jungle and explored some gardens, mansions, and hanging ives and arbols. i found a tree that even now, one day later, is calling me...it muse that it will be my summer haven, my solstice where painting, reading, cloud watching, and grape eating will commence.