I have a lot on my mind of late. Joel and I are looking toward the future and trying to plan with wisdom and with soul.  I keep working on scenarios, financials, and timelines  that might afford us optimal happiness.  It's driving me a bit crazy.

The other night, I walked to my yoga class.  I left intentionally early.  I stopped to smell the darkest purple lilacs, a luxury in their differentiation from my lavender-colored bush at home.  I noticed the sounds of the neighborhood and stumbled upon a girl dressed in sparkly pink mary-janes, pushing a stroller and talking to her cargo playmate, a younger child also dressed up.  I giggled at her nonchalance.  It made me walk lighter.

I entered the glorious old building.  I smelled the age in its bones.  I caressed the thirsty wood on the staircase.  I was dwarfed in the enormity of the windows.

I arrived to class earlier than expected. I took my deliberate time setting up the mat, blocks, blanket.  I found the place I wanted to do my practice.  I tried really hard to meditate on the moment.  I kept getting distracted by the flashing leaves outside the window.  Mission accomplished.

I kept Thomas Moore's quote in my head.  

"The soul is nurtured by want as much as by plenty."
found in Care of The Soul
Chapter 9, "The Economics of Soul: Work, Money, Failure, and Creativity"

I realized how guilty I feel about how much I want from life.
Conversely, I realized how entitled I feel toward those goals.

I carried both in my paradox pouch and let myself feel the nurturing embrace of desire;
the sheer goodness of wanting.

the saint has come and gone.  it was vastly helpful and comforting having him here.  he took me out to breakfast. he lifted heavy televisions.  he cooked dinner.  he walked the dog.  he changed diapers.  he hugged me.  he hugged my sister.  he hugged clara.

"i'll miss him so," i thought to myself in a moment alone.

~crm