my job, the small.

March 05, 2009 Candace Morris 6 Comments

i woke up way too late today. either it was the waking up waaay too late or the demon that lives in my brain, but i woke to the one question i would like to be answered already.

"what the hell am i doing!"
"i should be at work!!!"

i need a job! i am not the kind of girl that has even been successful at staying home. i am determined to change this for i see it as a poison in my soul. i have been in the workforce since i was 12 years old, and it is hard to undo 18 years of routine. there are days when i am so scared that this life will be taken from me, and then there are days (enter today) where the talent and purpose of my potential boils my britches and leaves naught but ash in my soul if i cannot apply it. i scream to the cosmos, "GIVE ME A WORTHY USE!"

i finally attributed this angst to, "i just need to get out of my house." it seems so ANNOYING and it's really hard to get out of the house these days (what DOES a non-working girl wear?! anything i want? that's too much pressure...), so it hardly seems worth it.

but i did.

enter the small kindnesses of the day...

and rilke says to notice the natural occurrences of your day, not the serious issues of your soul (all the time at least). to listen to the silence.

so i listened. this i heard:
  • friends who possess kindness above what i would be able to extend them.
  • the bright quiet of her house.
  • a perfect cappuccino.
  • the heavy pant of my visible breath in the cold air.
  • a comfortable new undershirt.
  • stringy blonde hair.
  • a lonely patch of moss on my front stairs.
  • a much needed and moving piece of correspondence.
  • an hour writing her back.
  • my cat sitting on the letter as i discarded written pages.
  • my husband bringing me the tiniest cherry blossom.
  • making notes for tutoring session (remembering how it feels to be organically good at something).
  • hot, spontaneous pho.
  • the anticipation of several etsy purchases.
so there you go, universe.
your benevolent kindnesses sandpapered away the rough nodules of nothingness,
and gave me a job.

the job of seeing with miniature glasses.

what's small for you today?

ever soulfully,
~the queen of sadness* (yes, i bought it)

*i truly hope you know that when I say this, I speak of it with admiration and deep understanding of who I was created to be. All suffering aside, I would still be sad. I prefer shadow and rain clouds, dark lipstick and ravens, solitude and the company of books, sake for one and my camera. I was born with victorian longing, a sense of otherness, and the wisdom of old trees. I find my sadness beautiful. I hope you find however you were created beautiful because there is truly nothing more stunning than you being the only you that was ever created.

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