(How do you like your new official nickname? It is, no doubt, one of millions to come).  It's been a very cerebral week.  I've spent time reading one of your father's heroes, Carl Sagan.  I've also devoured Rilke, started a new work of fiction that is extremely (and delightfully) philosophical.  I chatted with your Uncle Goat wherein we determined a new conclusion for the grand purpose of life.  It's also been a relatively positive week regarding pregnancy and the general state of my mind.  I am thankful for these times, for it is only after the release of pain that the flood of compassion overwhelms my spirit as I ponder those still in suffering.

Many people have a very clear vision for their lives.  From a young age,  their strengths and talents are apparent; they have parents who nurture and encourage this gift.  I was one of these people.  I always wanted to be a teacher.  I pursued this dream with resolute determination for 15 years.  This dream lasted only 3 years, and when I quit, I felt utterly and completely defeated as well as existentially lost.  I had done what I assumed I was "made to do" and although several amazing relationships were born and I learned immense lessons about myself, it was now over.  I had no future.  Now, after recovering, I don't care to return to it, but I do crave that sense of purpose.  Sparked by this conversation with Uncle Goat, I began to wonder if some people just are not born with a strong existential direction.  Perhaps their answer to "what does it all mean" or "what are my biggest dreams" is something more subjective than "I want to be a lawyer" or  "I want to be a professional musician."  What if their answer is "I want to help people" or "I want to be a healthy person."

This notion stuck with me as I began to realize that I too have been searching for a purpose anew.  My answer, for this time and place, simply is that I want to learn, learn, and learn some more.  I want to assimilate as much about peoples, cultures, literature, science, writing, psychology, wine, cooking, technology, mothering, decor, movies, books, travel, fashion, and photography as I possibly can in one lifetime (it can also be helpful to remember that a purpose in life does not necessarily equate to a career in that particular area.  Jobs are different than purposes, unless you are one of the lucky ones). Additionally, I want to learn other's opinions of the above, learn to listen better, learn to be less judgmental, learn to be kinder to myself, and learn to accept the moment.  I've found a new purpose.  I hope to employ this knowledge to counsel you come your existential crisis - to remind you that there are many visions and many paths any human can take.  I don't want to sell you an American dream, "If you can dream it, you can do it" because that's just simply untrue.  But I do want your dreams to be big, full of hope, and to help you find ways to achieve what your life on this beautiful planet has inspired you to pursue.

This week, I want to dive into a vat of mangos, eat 20 cakes,  consume lots of candy, and gorge myself on breakfast sausage (randomly enough).  I have been sleeping well (after some serious and comical arranging of pillows), and still enjoy my nightly bath with Epsom salts to ease the muscle tension in my back and legs.  My yoga instructor recommended several poses for SI joint loosening, and she encouraged me to perform them daily as well as to be sure and move every 45 minutes.  What a difference!  I wake up, have my cereal, stretch for a few minutes, and begin my day.  My body seems to be screaming, THANK YOU!  It feels euphoric to be out of pain, even if it doesn't last long.  We've also been trying to walk more, since the weather is glorious and we live so close to Greenlake.  You are moving SO much throughout the day.  You seem to enjoy post-meal workouts, and I am beginning to adjust to the sensations (which once felt disgusting.  Pregnancy in general is pretty disgusting to me, so it's nice to have graduated beyond that feeling).

This week, I said to Joel , "Oh man, our girl's gonna be so cute."  He looked at me knowingly with a hint of "what have I done" in his eyes and said with resignation,  "I know.  I know."  We are in for it.

We love to go out to eat, as you probably well know by now.  Since our days of spontaneous, non-children meals are numbered, we are taking full advantage of it.  Sunday mornings are usually spent at our nearby diner, but today we decided to splurge and try something new.  Good Gods of Cuisine.  Tilth delivered and then some.

I ordered the Dutch Baby Pancake with Arugula, Grapefruit Syrup, and Pistachios.  It was so surprisingly good!  Joel had the Corned Beef Sandwich with Mornay, Choucroute, and Duck Egg.  We added a side of their homemade bacon, and I had to stop myself from licking the plate.  

Have a delicious Sunday,

When Joel leaves, even for one night, I get the smallest taste of how different my life could have been.  I realize how incredibly hard it is to fall asleep without him snoring next to me, and while that other life would have certainly been full of its own treasures, I know more and more that a life without Joel - well, I'll have none of it.

I am usually the one travelling away from home, and in that circumstance, I think it's easier to be distracted from how much you miss your lover.  When you are the one left behind, new mysteries of self-independence await.  All at once, you realize how simultaneously capable and incapacitated you are without your partner.   When I hadn't heard from Joel for the entire day, the self-pity began to gnaw at my pregnant heart (for those of you who are interested, pregnancy actually re-situates the heart chakra, exposing your vulnerabilities to everyone you meet.  It's not just the hormones that make pregnant women emotional, but the energy shift).  

"Why isn't he calling me?  Worse yet, this means he's not even thinking of me.  Why doesn't he read my to-do lists?  Why doesn't he bring me flowers, why do I always have to buy them for myself?"

After a few hours of this, I stopped.  Something inside me saved me and I determined to remember Joel's needs above my own.  Considering what I really wanted was for him to refresh his soul, how could I begrudge a day where I am not his first thought; a day where work doesn't consume all of his words; a day where his very best friend - the forest - nurtures him back to himself.  A day where his huge hands don't have to carry all three of us.  

I began to feel a slowly increasing empowerment, for it was in this realization that I found my hands big enough, strong enough to hold us.  And then I remembered that on his walk home from a 11-hour work day Friday, he picked me a small cherry blossom.  Marriage is very rarely about grand gestures; it is more the desire to share beauty in small ways throughout your days.  I don't want him to think of me as something to do, a relationship to upkeep, a woman to romance.  Instead, I want him to romance himself and in so doing, truly make me swoon.  Who knows if he picked that blossom because he was overwhelmed with appreciation for me.  Perhaps he picked it because its beauty struck him, and if beauty reminds him of me - I am romanced to my very core.