a girl and her friend

February 27, 2008 candacemorris 0 Comments

thank you lord...for a night alone.

good amidst more growth needed

February 24, 2008 candacemorris 0 Comments

The other day, I realized some new things about myself - and despite me trying to give myself a break from personal growth, I noticed some personal growth.

1) I had made progress in my ability to be less "sticky." I have always been very sensitive and observant, so even the annoying flicker in Joel's eye when I am being unreasonable, or the passive aggressive tones displayed in work conflicts - any and everything was noticed and internalized. This made for a very sticky personality; my therapist once told me I was like a porcupine - that everything got entangled on my skin. We have been working on other matters, but I realized on Friday after a particularly frustrating time at work that I was able to leave it at work. When I was teaching, I never could leave anything at work - emotionally. But now, I feel like I am getting thicker and thicker skin, and I really couldn't be more pleased.

2) I am also really enthused about my new-found ability to live in the moment. I have somehow developed some new compartments in which to put worry. If I have something high-anxiety approaching (a big week at work, a paper for school, public speaking, a big vacation for which I need to plan, etc), I would usually spend the time preceding the event worrying about it. For instance, on Friday - I had a high-stress day at work, and by the time I left, I knew Monday and Tuesday would be the same. Previously I would have not been able to keep that from ruining my weekend plans. But for whatever reason (I think it's the soul work I have been doing), I noticed that I was able to enjoy my weekend, and not because I just didn't think about my week, but because I am now somehow able to enjoy the moment now and realize that I can sustain myself in more and more situations...I am centered and feel sufficient with me...which is probably the main difference.

A Necessary Lent

February 06, 2008 candacemorris 4 Comments

SO, today starts Lent. Admittedly, I was surprised by it this year – as Joel and I are on a hiatus from church attendance. When Joel told me last night on our lovely drive to SPU’s library to research for our various classes, I found myself frustrated at my lack of awareness and scrambling quickly to find some significance in the 40-day fast for my life. Last year, I decided to not “give up” something per say, but added journaling every day for Lent, which was a big struggle as I am so out of the practice of journaling, but very enriching nonetheless.

Anyway, we decided to do something together this year. We are going to do yoga together once a week and also try to work on teaching ourselves how to meditate – I am horrible at it, desperately needing guided meditation. But I think we will start there with some sort of downloaded program, and see where our journey into silence leads us.

I had a good conversation with my brother-in-law Brian about the practice of necessary boredom in my life. I have recently been noticing how much I really need to actively pursue boredom, how boredom brings in its wake an introspection and calm that I can rarely get from purposeful relaxation (movies, taking baths, video games (ha!) ). I suppose this boredom I am trying to find is actually a place of Zen – that illusive awareness of our smallness in an infinity large universe. I asked Joel the other day what he does to distress, and he told me that perspective quiets him immensely. He finds release when he can see how small he and his life are compared to the large span of time and space...and I can see this working for me as well. I think necessary boredom brings this – once we get better at learning it. For me to be truly bored, I must rid myself of all entertainment (especially noisy entertainment) (which is why the ocean/beach speaks to me so much). For others, perhaps it is surrounding themselves with stimulation. Either way, pursuing the boredom of life is much akin to being a child again; and as many of you know, I need to foster this desperately in my life.

A practical example: the other day I was deciding which Trader Joe’s to shop at. I live roughly 6-8 miles from 3 different ones. The one that is closest is simply the ugliest drive from my house, so as a pursuit of boredom, I took an intentionally longer route (only by a mile, so I was dealing with the same emissions – also a factor I considered), because the route from Renton to Issaquah on 900 is divine. I enriched my Saturday by turning my consciousness toward an errand that was both necessary AND beautiful...I wish I had pictures of those trees. But I pursued a longer drive in order to enrich my life...and I need more of that. Hopefully that is what learning to meditate and relax will do for me.

As always, I am curious about what everyone is fasting from or thinking of fasting from for Lent.