happy thursday that is almost friday. today was a simply stellar day in seattle. i just had to don a breezy dress in celebration. once donned, i promptly walked the 37 steps to the park across the street, sat myself down, and let my pen have at in upon its canvas, the paper.

this week, i am happy to say, has been LAAAZZZYYY. upon being laid off in february, i have not had a pajama day or movie day at all. this week i gave myself a vacation from whatever it is i do, and let myself sleep until ungodly hours of the afternoon, stayed in grungy pajamas until 3pm, watched movies and tv shows until i had cricks in my neck, baked and ate whatever i wanted, and just lived a generally hedonistic lifestyle. i realize i may have just described someones version of hell...hell, it might be my own hell. who knows?

mood. MOOD i tell you, it's everything. i can alter my mood with certain outside elements, but i am still so surprised how my reality is dictated by something as simple as chemical makeup. well, i suppose it is much more than that...i mean, it's a mix of needs being met/not met, purpose being found/not found, feelings being hurt/not hurt, soul being listened to/not listened to, friends being had/not had...etc.

if i had to pick two things right now i want almost more than anything (and babies don't count), i would say 1- focus, and 2- space. In the last few months, I have been so desperately scattered, ready to apply to graduate school one afternoon and then loosing my gusto and ready to attack a career in writing. This even affects my everyday to do lists, and this never used to happen to me. I am a "get it done" girl and now I am the "meh" girl. I am slow and distracted and not terribly unhappy being this way. However, it does make the smallest tasks harder than they ever were...but who needs to vacuum anyway?

And space. sigh. Joel and I so much want room to expand our soul's desires: hobby rooms, personal reading/writing spaces, a yard, a garden, a big ol' bathtub. how is this ever going to be possible if we want to maintain our urban lifestyle? so many people live in so much LESS space than we do, and I really want that mentality. After all, more space means more junk, right? I don't care to amass a lot of things, I just want room to stretch out my soul wings.


But we are in the city. We have a gorgeous apartment and a cat we love so stinkin much. We have family and friends all around us, all of which are really quite exemplary. We have money for food, wine, candles, coffee, shoes...really, what the hell am i complaining about?

Like joel said tonight, is the wanting space just the next thing to want? Is space the new black?

Instead of space, I fill my time reading way too many design blogs, writing a ton (i am up to four or five pages per day, even though most of it is in correspondence), taking pictures, baking, sitting in the sun, watching Party Down (it's pretty funny. if you liked Arrested Development, check it out), and taking life very, very slowly.

I suppose when I think about it, I'll take tranquility over space any day.

On an happy note, since she was a hit on the last blog post...back by popular demand...I give you Octavia in her second camera debut.

ciao.
crm

after another 20 minutes of cooling, i tasted it. OH SO GOOD. i actually think this would have been ruined by chocolate frosting (if you can imagine such blaspheme) for it is much more a "afternoon tea cake" than a decadent dessert.

under this definition, i was able to justify having another piece before i went to bed (with port) and can foresee a similar justification for breakfast (with coffee).

kicking ass with cake,
crm

the last words i heard at the end of monday..."but it hurts." while i put monday to bed, i ponder this pain...


today was a day i dream of, starting with composing a letter to her and ending with a voice mail from her. i did exactly as i wanted with my time, felt exactly as i wished i would with my feelings, and fell in love with my marriage all over again.

after joelio returned from work this afternoon, i settled into the nook of his arm as we cuddled on the couch, talking of the nothings in our day. this cuddle conversation turned into a luxurious nap (the kind where you fall into positions you are sure you will never find again, but which are so entirely comfortable you are afraid to move even when your hand falls asleep). upon awakening, we ate dinner, watched two hours of the history channel about the medici family, and then wandered to queen anne to check out a bookstore.

it was a night where a bookstore turned into a wine bar turned into a hole in the wall pizzeria. it was a night where sipping our 2004 rioja made us the most clever, most beautiful, most alive people in the room. it was a night where the conversation flows languidly of poesy, life work, philosophy, love, and our own painful issues.

for i say this clearly and stand by it.
even the happiest of couples wound each other indelibly.

but the couples i admire and to which i aspire are those couples that worry not about wounding each other, but worry more about communication and forgiveness after the wounds have been inflicted.

i love what being a part of joel's most intimate daily thoughts has done for me.

but the road to my greatest love was and will probably always be filled with rocks, boulders, precipices, narrow-footing, steep grades, and tumultuous rain clouds.

because, well. it just hurts to love.
it just hurts.
if it doesn't, dude...you're not doing it right.

crm

p.s.