RIP 2008

December 29, 2008 Candace Morris 6 Comments

i wandered my previous blogs and found last year's new year's entry and its resolutions. let's go over these, shall we?

Foreseeable goals for 2008:
1. Continue in the process of self-acceptance --- check.

2. Learn to like iced tea--- that is a no go...i still can't really stomach the stuff without sweetener or sugar, both of which i detest in beverages.

3. Re read one book a year --- i didn't reread anything this year...unless you count Care of the Soul but that is more like a read you are never really done with so you must constantly reread it.

4. Take myself on dates more often --- i had the most memorable date with myself this year that i have ever had. i must continue this.

5. paint, paint, paint - not as much as i wanted to, should have, or could have...but i did.

6. Learn to cook by cooking at least once a week (probably more like twice a month). - now this is the most remarkable thing to me. when i reread it, i was surprised that i even listed it! i am now very easy in the kitchen (especially when no one is there to giggle at my strange cutting techniques or questions)...and feel i can make just about anything with directions. i have yet to make something without following a recipe (except tacos).

7. Call my family more --- sigh. failure.

8. Read one financial book (it’s on its way from amazon as we speak!) --- it's sitting on my shelf, half read.

9. Save a three month emergency fund --- hah! i didn't realize how much i would need to live for three months with no income. i became overwhelmed and gave up.

10. Travel as much as possible (already going to Hawaii, California, and NYC) - i have sadly not gone much of anywhere. would love to remedy this but must consider resolution 9.

11. Apply to grad school and work on prerequisites --- sigh. did do. didn't get in. still feeling the urge to get back in school.

12. Save for a really nice SLR, digital camera --- no! i am an impossible saver!

13. Marry off one younger sister--- check!

14. Turn 30 with a bang (or just a kick-ass celebration) --- i was the most spoiled 30yr old i have ever met.

15. Loose my last 10 pounds of goal weight: lost five of it. then changed my goal...

So there you have it. For 2009, i have scaled back a bit.
  • play more scrabble.
  • memorize a poem.
  • read what i love with unabashed passion and poise despite ridicule and misunderstanding.
  • study words.
  • not to compromise myself and the knowledge i have of myself in my friendships, preferably without guilt, but that might have to wait until next year's resolutions.
  • love others.
  • peruse the path of release in the following areas: self-hate, guilt, my assumptions of others' expectations, and the concern of what others may think.
upon a quick reread, i realize that list sounds like a fifteen year old wrote it. while sounding silly to me, perhaps...wait, no. i KNOW this is good. this is me. this is where i am. i am still but a wee child...

it is so very tempting to try and rush the process of reconciling my child with my adult. it would be SO easy to grab up the skirts of my confident bravado and be the old me...untouchable, overly confident, and not easily hurt. it has been my greatest struggle to not don the garments of the past simply because this journey before me is too arduous. i will instead continue to embrace this new area of insecurity, hypersensitivity, and wearing of color. :)

i must have faith that at the end of this particular journey, i will emerge with the flame of authentic confidence and the exquisite poise of the most pure, holistic beauty.

i have had inordinate amounts of time to think about my life due to the dump of 2008. i have had a rough time this fall digging deep through the murk and mire in the quest for meaning, for direction, for purpose, for god. lately, i have felt a seemingly flippant attitude towards it all and it has been a big relief...for in the release of anxiously trying to find meaning, i have found a bit of meaning.

it's called the present.
the here.
the now.

joel said to me today as i cringed under my comforter with a migraine, "i hate pain."

it reminded me of an episode i watched last night of Six Feet Under. david, a man suffering from post traumatic stress disorder, wakes up in the middle of the night, unable to release the fear and trauma from his attack. he walks to the open veranda where it is raining, only to meet the spirit of his deceased father.

they proceed to a conversation i have been mulling over since then.

david tries to make sense of his trauma, and went to visit his attacker in jail.

"i thought it would set me free...but it didn't change anything."

"your missing the point," says nathaniel, his dad.

"there is no point, that's the point, right?" asks david.

"oh don't give me any of that existential bull shit...the point is right in front of your face."

"well, i'm sorry but i don't see it..."

"you're not even grateful, are you? hang onto your pain like it means something, like it's worth something, but let me tell you - it's not worth shit. let it go. you have infinite possibility, and all you can do is whine."

"well, what am i supposed to do?"

"what do you think! you can do anything, you lucky bastard. you're ALIVE."

sigh, "it can't be so simple."

"what if it is?"

lingering over this dialogue has brought me to one of the most deeply rooted wellsprings of gratitude that i have known. i have seen the shit, i have known the dark, i have tasted the deepest of my personal despair. i am all for working it out, mulling over its meaning, understanding it in light of psychology, personality, circumstances, and influences; however, at the end of it that search is a great precipice, the abyss wherein one must finally come to terms with the decisions.

will i let go?
or will i continue to let the pain of being alive define me?

and what if our pain doesn't mean as much as we think it does?
as i consider this release, i have found myself euphoric over the simplest things; that i can talk freely, that i can light a candle, that i can weep openly, that i have eyes and beauty and clothing and rest.

i have often approached gratitude from guilt...if i can feel remorse for what others do not have, perhaps i can manipulate myself, feel badly for what i do have, and at the end somehow arrive at gratitude. i should have known better.

i will find gratitude when, just like the gift of faith, it finds me.

i truly hope this year finds you...

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