All or Nothing: My Every-so-often Feminist Rant

August 22, 2014 candacemorris 0 Comments

This story begins with another story.  Several months ago, I read an interview with Lana Del Ray regarding her stance on feminism.



“For me, the issue of feminism is just not an interesting concept,” she says. “I’m more interested in, you know, SpaceX and Tesla, what’s going to happen with our intergalactic possibilities. Whenever people bring up feminism, I’m like, god. I’m just not really that interested.”

While this enraged me (as I hope it does you, but let's be honest - not everyone is "that interested" in the civil rights of other human  beings), I have spent months coming in and out of why this argument bothers me.   It's not just that she flippantly enjoys success because of the women who have come before her, women who had to fight tooth and nail to be taken seriously in a male-dominated industry, women pushing the boundaries of what's acceptable and polite, women with real talent that opened the ears of everyone to accept other women as talent.  It's not just because she said no to feminism by way of claiming interest in Elon Musk's contributions to society - one of my own passions - thereby polarizing those two interests.

It is the very backs of women that Lana has climbed upon to get where she is today.  But that's not my point. After this silly quote was posted to the inter-webs by a silly girl, she got eviscerated by feminists.  And let's face it, women judging other women for their choices is pretty anti-antithetical to the feminist ideal.

But it continues to raise a question for me.  Can women "opt out" of feminism as if it were a college course or an after-school club?  Do we expect too much from famous people like artist and athletes? After all, it's not usually their high moral code or praise-worthy civic duties that have made them famous.

Lana "joins the ranks of Shailene Woodley, Lady Gaga and Taylor Swift, all who have recently rejected the feminist label because they “love men,” or “don’t think of things as guys versus girls.”  Source here. 




That's not feminism at all to me!  In fact, many of the most hard-core feminists I know are men.  But let's work on my definition, shall we?

One of my favorite British ladies, Caitlin Moran defines feminism with two questions. 1.  Do you have a vagina?  2. Do you care who is in charge of it and what happens to it?  Congrats!  If you answered yes to either, you are a feminist.

So why all the resistance to feminism?  On a personal level, the people I love often fight back on my "feminist" posts, somehow excusing or challenging the continued, blatant sexism that still exists. That may be part of the problem, maybe it's just blatant to those of us looking for it.  Perhaps in these times, the real danger of sexism is its insidious, hidden, subversive nature.  I resisted the label for a long time, but that was mainly due to ignorance and fear of image.

Perhaps we as a society are too inundated with causes and tragedies and cries for help that we can shrug our shoulders and go back to what really interests us.

I recently connected with an old friend and we started talking about gay marriage.  She doesn't know any gay people, and she mentioned that she would probably care more if she did.  I love this friend, she is smart and fiercely passionate about many causes.  I nodded at the time, but later  got to thinking - does that mean I can opt out of caring about causes like endangered species?  Because I don't know any owls, I shouldn't care about preserving them?  It doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

But then again, if someone brings up male circumcision one more time, I'm like STFU.  So that must be what Lana felt when someone asked her about feminism.  How many fucks can a person give, really? Especially when you are too busy contemplating how to perpetuate the desperate female trope and writing lyrics pleading with abusive men not to abandon you.



"Do I contradict myself?
Very well then I contradict myself,
(I am large, I contain multitudes.)"
Whitman

crm

Musings of a Mum: 2 years (and a few months) old

August 09, 2014 candacemorris 0 Comments

Prologue:

Mum

Dear Bowie,

Recently, we've been visiting public pools, learning to swim.  At first you were trepidatious and clingy, but then you began to kick!kick!kick! fantastically. Though shivering, you laughed and bobbed up and down with Mama.  You kicked as Daddy helped you glide across the top of the water.  You clung to a red bouncy ball for dear life, and you didn't want to get out.

You love water.  I admit that I love this about you, in part because it's also a love I share. Last weekend, you determined to go in Gpa's fish pond.  You loved it, and we all gathered about watching and enjoying the summer air on skin.

It's a great time of year to be born, if I do say so myself.  Everyone should try a summer birthday, just once.



I just read last year's letter that I wrote to you.  I expressed a lot of fear about the loss of my baby and how I was dreading the inevitability of your independence.  But like you, I have grown up a lot this year. Motherhood feels more and more natural as you integrate into our life, as we become more complete as 3 humans sharing a soul-space.



I have been reading a book called "Brain Rules for Baby," and it's got me thinking about social intelligence. Since it's the main focus of how I am interacting with you these days, I thought you might like to know where I am coming from.

On Happiness:

The majority of parents say that the biggest goal for parenting is, "I want my kid to be happy."  Humans have spent years and years attempting to define what the word happiness really means.  Well, scientists have come to the conclusion that a truly happy human is a connected human.  That is to say, a human's personal happiness is inextricably derived from her relationships.  Yes, your relationship with yourself, but even more so - your relationship with others.

This makes sense to me.  Our very DNA decided long ago that collaboration was better than competition. A single celled organism knew it had no chance of survival alone, so it decided to mate.  And mate, and mate, and mate...and billions of years of this mating produced us. The human body - the walking quintessence of collaboration and connection.  All temperament and personality traits aside, all humans need connection to other humans.

This has become my focus for you.  But how do you teach a child how to be a good friend?  There are a lot of practical applications that I am still discovering, but the ideals as stated in "Brain Rules for Baby" are two-fold.

1. Emotional Regulation:  

A person must develop emotional intelligence before they can be socially smart. They must learn when and how to express their feelings.  Many people who were never taught to do this (for indeed it is a lesson to be learned, ideally from your parents) are again and again miserable creatures with toxic relationships.  So instead of trying to talk you out of feeling badly, I try to model sitting with how you feel...with naming it and not obsessing with trying to fix it. You cannot regulate emotions if you cannot name what you are feeling. This is much more difficult than I imagined, since being a parent means protecting you.

2. Empathy:

Again and again, the word empathy continues to find its way onto my parenting radar.  It is the cornerstone for teaching a child almost everything.  Sharing, potty-training, self-control, etc. For us, it has been a focus in sharing.  Instead of intervening and snatching a toy out of your hand (even though I just told you that 'we don't take toys from our friends') in my attempt to enforce sharing, I simply let you and your friends work it out.  When you refuse to share, I try to model empathy. I explain that I understand not wanting to share, and that it's hard to give your toys away.  I ask you what toys your friend can have.  Instead of me controlling you, I try to find ways to empower you.  Sounds great, yes. But, this has lead to you getting toys snatched from you and crying.  Your heart is broken, it's obvious.

You are an easy student.  You had already begun your own emotional education by acting out sadness.  You put your lip out and say, "Sad."  Then you say "HUG!" Then you say, "happy."    I have no idea who taught you that, but it's achingly beautiful to behold.  Your baby, the hose, the kitty, your friends, Mamma, the stool - all of these have been deemed sad, then hugged, then made happy.

But that is now.  We've been through a lot in a year.  You've gone from baby to human.  Where once you needed everything from me, and I needed to be sure I wasn't getting lost in you -now you need less and less from me and I can't even find the place inside where you don't reside.

A Letter of Journal Entries

Bowie Andromeda 13 months old, July 2013

July 2013:

"Have I begun to miss Bowie?  Last night, as I began to wander from the social gathering mentally, I began to dream of Bowie's silly grin and when I go in and wake her up.  Her sweet cheeks, her pathetic "ohhhh."  I am not eager to return to the work of a toddler, but I miss the personality of Bowie."

Bowie Andromeda 14 months old, August 2013

August 2013:

"An interesting concept came up in therapy last week.  We were discussing Bowie and how's she scaring the shit out of me right now.  Exerting her will and showing her independence.  She has increasing powers of dislodging my guts; I cherish her more and more.  It's unnatural to have a premonition that one's heart is in danger, and still persist in loving.  So here I am with my heart bleeding out, and then I hear myself want space from the person threatening to expose me.  

It began many weeks ago when she started presenting more of herself to me and I began to resent the new work of keeping her entertained and the mind-numbing repetition of parenting/discipline.  I thought I must not like her.  Well, if I have the power to dislike her - Fuck. She has the same power.  And that's when it hit me newly, that we will have two distinct and different personalities with absolutely zero guarantee that we'll get a long.  I think I mistakenly equate getting along with one's parents as a sign of their abilities as a parent."

Bowie Andromeda 15 months old, September 2013

September 2013

Bowie Andromeda 16 months old, October 2014

Bowie Andromeda 17 months old, November 2013

November 2013:

Bowie Andromeda 18 months old, December 2013

December 2013:

• How easily and deeply you laugh
• Your obsession with and preferences for books.  You will bring us the same book to read 6-8 times.  We will then try to pick a new one, and you will heartily cast it aside if you don't approve.  Sometimes when the house is too quiet, I'll go searching and find you in your room sitting on your rocking chair, reading to yourself.  Currently, it's: "Llama Lama" books, "The Going to Bed Book" (despite your disdain for the 2nd to last page?), "The book of 100 words," "Moby Dick," and "Jane Eyre."
• You've begun to pretend with dolls.  Real babies used to make you nervous and you cried when they did.  Now, when Phoenix comes over and cries, you pat her arm and say "Mou-Mou."  You repeat this throughout the week with your dolls, but concerned about MouMou.  Your sweet spot has always been apparent, you are snuggler with a gentle soul.
• You are so curious.  You love to watch me make coffee or brush your teeth with my sonic care or see what the heck I am always look at on my phone.
• No matter how cranky or sad or upset our day becomes, it can always be reset by going outside.  Just the mention of it is enough to get your attention.
• I marvel at how much you understand and how clearly you can already follow verbal instructions.
• You love to water the plants.
• You love to say "Abbey" and "kitty."
• You are verbally aware, mimicking and repeating everything - and you recently impressed me with "applesauce."

Bowie Andromeda, 19 months old, January 2014

January 2014: