Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

A bible for the introvert, this is a book I will keep by my bedside as a kind of manual for life. Reading this has changed my life.

I am not new to the plight of the introvert.  Many years ago, I read one of the only books published on introversion at the time, "The Introvert Advantage."  It was life changing, but more self-help directed.  It focused on how to live as an introvert, once you have identified yourself as such and gotten over the shame society instills in you for being so.

This book is vastly different, but expounds on the same ideas.  It is more logical, statistical, highly researched, and dense to read.  It focused on introverts in the workplace, education, and the family unit.  Case study after case study is woven in and out of Cain's personal anecdotes which makes it easy to read despite its dense content.

I highly recommend to anyone - especially if you are, are married to, in any kind of relationship with, work with, or birthed an introvert. Basically, every human needs to read this.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

You know Shirley Jackson from reading her haunting short story, "The Lottery" in high school.  I've never read anything of hers other than that, and I have to say this book was a delightful surprise.  I've been on a non-fiction bend, so perhaps this being my first fiction in months has to do with my enjoyment, but this tale is superbly crafted.

A gothic story, set in backwoods xxx (of course), that scares us in a place deeper than horror or terror.  Jackson presents this story with such patience and brooding, quaint characters living a simple life.  It also delivers a twist - although the pace of the writing sets us up for such a thing.

I kept thinking it was a perfect October read - a bit like Flannery O'Connor meets "Geek Love."  But short, sweet, and addicting! 

Artful by Ali Smith

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

Though notably cerebral, I can't decide if the book is obtuse or just ill-timed to my current personal literary inklings. Either way, I found it irrelevant and didn't finish it. However, the language was beautiful and she's obviously a force.

Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This is a brutal read, but one I finished in two days.  Responding to memoir as a craft, I think the author had a story here no matter what.  Anyone could have written it.  However, no one could have written it with +the indelible, unflinching, grueling voice she did.  I was very impressed not only with her craft, but also with her refusal to tie everything up nice and neat; she fought the temptation to make the story of her unthinkable loss easy for anyone to swallow. I think the thing that made it so compelling for me was my own desire to get to the point where it was okay, where this brilliant woman who is utterly beaten by the death of her children, husband, and parents finds a new normal.  This novel is a rare example of the marriage between a sensational story, great writing, and a quick, addicting read.

The News from Spain: Seven Variations on a Love Story by Joan Wickersham

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

Enjoyable and crafted well, but I've certainly read better. Cheryl Strayed recommended this, but I don't entirely know why. I liked it, but wouldn't suggest it to anyone.

Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness by Jessica Valenti

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

An important read if you are any of the following:
1. A female
2. A male
3. A mother
4. Never having kids
5. Thinking about never having kids
6. Have kids
7. Human.

Valenti is a  new mother and feminist who FINALLY takes on motherhood and all it's societal junk from an intellectual, well-researched POV. As a new mother myself, I found I was drawn to her grand message, which is that women cannot and should not be expected to DO IT ALL. Since having children to make us happy is a completely modern notion anyway, we must learn to adjust our expectations of parenthood and remove the pressure on children to be the impetus behind familial fulfillment.

Why do Americans report a lower statistic of happiness after they have children?  Why do divorced men with half custody report the highest statistic of parental fulfillment?  Why do attachment theories require ALL the work to be done by the mother?  Why are stay-at-home moms one of the highest depressed groups in our nation?  Why do couples who are egalitarian in gender roles before they have children almost always pushed into them once they have kids?

Did you know that "one in four married mothers - 5.6 million women - stay at home with their kids. (Only 165,000 fathers do the same)" p157.  When men DO stay home, they are anomalous and exonerated whereas it is expected of women.

Valenti takes on all of these question and more. She answers them too.  She stresses community, true village raising (not just saying "it takes a village" and then demanding females are the only natural caretakers AND the lie that children are best cared for solely by their mothers).

A few kernels that stuck with me"

"We need to prepare parents emotionally and put forward realistic images of parenthood and motherhood.  There also needs to be some sort of acknowledgement that not everyone should be a parent - when parenting is a given, it's not fully considered or thought out, and it gives way too easily to parental ambivalence and unhappiness." p107

"The truth is, we can simultaneously love parenting, find it fulfilling and valuable while also recognizing that the minutiae of mothering isn't as critical as society would have use believe. We can love our children without thinking they world revolves around them.  We can derive pleasure from care-taking without thinking it's the most important thing we'll ever do or the biggest contribution to society we'll ever make  And we can be exhausted, overworked moms while still recognizing that there are plenty of other jobs that are harder! More important.  Because when we see parenting as a relationship - not a job - we can free ourselves from the expectations and stiffing standards that mothers are important NOT because of motherhood or biologically attachment (or not) to baby.  Mothers are important because they are ONE of MANY critical caregivers to little humans. " p74

"And really, how insulting is it to suggest that the best thing a woman can do is raise OTHER people to do important things."p74

"The truth about parenting is that the reality of our lives needs to be enough.  Seeking out an ideal that most of us can never reach is making us, and our kids, miserable." p165

A fabulous, informative read that has broken through a lot of shame and guilt for me, staying home with my daughter.

The Mercy Papers by Robin Romm
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I feel an odd need to defend this book because I made the grave mistake of reading other people's reviews here on Goodreads.  One in particular censured Romm for her selfishness and heavily criticized her choices about medicating her mother in her mom's last days.  I need to say that writers do not write memoir because they are
1-100% sure of every single choice they have ever made
2-willing themselves as an example for every human
3-asking for approval

As the reader, it is not for us to JUDGE her actions as a part of her writing.  Judge her actions, whatever...but that shouldn't necessarily be a part of a reader's review.  I find it petty and uncareful.

That being said.  This was a vivid read, though slow to begin.  The last few chapters sing with a honesty rare to the treatment of loss.  It feels empty, void.  As it should.  I admire her courage and will defend her to the end for this.  It could have easily been tidying up, but instead of making up something beautiful about how she felt her mother was now in a better place, instead she trusted her readers enough to tell us that she mainly just felt annoyed at the funeral.  That she struggled with resentment of all who supported her...mainly because they were living.

I don't know how lasting an impression it made on me for the craft of memoir, but it will stay with me for a long time because of the subject matter. A lovely continuation of my study in creative non-fiction.  A must read if you are there as well, but as far as a general read...not suited for all.



Daily Rituals: How Artists Work by Mason Currey
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I will buy this, it's accessible and fascinating! Additionally I have learned that coffee is vital to every artist.





The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I love the barebones eloquence of her language, like she is pulling no punches while simultaneously not bullshitting anyone. The story is compelling not only because it's sad, but more because it feels we are getting an intimate account if her year rather than hearing a story about her grief. It's not neatly tied up or didactic in any regard. Very intelligent, very revealing, but still very simple and private.  An inspiring example of good memoir.



The Chronology of Water by Lidia Yuknavitch
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I have such a mixed bag of reactions to this book and Yuknavitch's writing in general.  The first chapter is excellent; a magnificent introduction into the book and into her style.  I was assigned the chapter as a reading for a writer's workshop, and from 4 pages, I picked up the book from the library.

In general, I loved the style once I got used to it.  I was offended at her prideful "I can do whatever the fuck I want with words" attitude - mainly because she says that between she and another writer (I forget who) - they invented this new irreverent genre.  This is, of course, entirely untrue.   I feel there is a universal truth about language, and that is if we want to take artistic liberties with it, we should still know how to follow the preset rules.  Fuck the rules, but know them before you break them.  I get the sense that she didn't really know them or care about them.  That is her prerogative, but it did alienate me as a reader.

She continually forced me to walk the line between loving and hating the book, between comfort and agitation.  She wrote pornographic chapters that seemed unnecessary to me other than to arouse her readers (perhaps her point?  No doubt I have much to learn about this?).  She wrote so beautifully of her tragedies and after a shocking bout of sexual confessions, would write with surprising subtlety.

There are chapters I disrespect where the writing feels gimmicky, amateur, defensive.  I feel my self-rightousness voice emerge "This isn't art! I'm wasting my time reading the word fuck over and over again. The first chapter KILLED me, as I read it with a glass of wine.  I cried within the first few paragraphs. It was so beautiful and her form fully expressed her grief - bare, bizarre, unapologetically sad. I loved it, but from that chapter until much later in the book, just felt like I was reading smut. She had such a highly-sexualized life and point of view, and don't enjoy mixing reading with arousal.

Then, as she progresses, and you see her life as total shit, you begin to feel a combo of sick and personally defensive.  Like I have no brazen shit to write about, no deep secret. This is the judgey voice of comparison.  On one hand, "Who does she think she is, published with such little talent?" On the other hand, "Well, congrats on your shitty-ass life which means you will judge me for being too weak to handle your dysfunction and subject matter." But THEN.

The chapter "My lover, my writing" is so good. It's still modern, which I may always find less inspiring than subtle, vocabulary-heavy, ancient texts.   She is hard to absorb, and for that, I respect what she was trying to do.  It's not a sweet story, but I also feel like she doesn't like me, the reader.  Interesting technique?

I think what this book leaves with me the most is her nonlinear structure.  She used water as her structure for telling her life story, not time.  This is deeply fascinating and the book is put together superbly.  In general, it feels important to memoir, but wasn't my favorite.  I wouldn't recommend the whole book, but several of the chapters are a necessary and amazing read.



How to Be a Woman by Caitlin Moran
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This bitch is funnnyyy.

And also important, right, and clever.

But mainly, she's FUNNY. Though I don't entirely agree with her rants about shoes (no heels!), unders (full-bum for true feminists, she says), or Lady Gaga (still just can't get behind the bad music!), on all these items and more, she has given me pause...mainly in the form of a snorty, oh-my-gawd-i'm-texting-this-to-my-friends-right-now kind of way.

I enjoyed every empowered, salacious bit.  Though every chapter was entertaining and informative, I have to say that either because they are a few of the last chapters I read or because they are poignant to my life right now, but the chapters "Why you should have kids," and "Why you shouldn't have kids" are dead-on impressive, hilarious, and poignant - and I was really tired of funny birth stories.  Describing that kind of pain just never felt possible, well, until now.

From "Why you should have kids" - Chapter 12
On the perspective gained from labor, "In that respect, childbirth is far superior to Zoloft or therapy. Fairly early on in the event, you will have the most dazzlingly simple revelation of your life, that the only thing that really matters, in this whole goddamn crazy, mixed-up world, is whether or not there is something the size of a cat stuck in your cervix, and that any day when you do NOT have a cat stuck in your cervix will be, by default, wholly perfect in every way"(218).

"To be frank, childbirth gives a woman a gigantic set of balls.  The high you get as you realize it's over, and that you didn't actually die, can last the rest of your life.  Off their faces with euphoria and bucked by how brave they were, new mothers finally tell the in-laws to back off, dye their hair red, get driving lessons, become self-employed, learn to use a drill, experiment with Thai condiments, make cheerful jokes about incontinence, and stop being scared of the dark"(218).


From "Why you shouldn't have kids" - Chapter 13
"While motherhood is an incredible vocation, it has no more inherent worth than a childless woman simply being who she is, to the utmost of her capabilities.  To think otherwise betrays a belief that being a thinking, creative, productive, and fulfilled woman is, somehow, not enough.  That no action will ever be the equal of giving birth"(238).

"Feminism needs Zero Tolerance over baby angst.  In the 21st century, it can't be about who we might make, and what THEY might do, anymore.  It has to be about who we are, what we're going to do" (239).

Really, thoroughly enjoyable.  Her premise is to bring laughter to the feminist arena, that it's one of the only ways to truly cope with the MASSIVE SEXISM rampant (though pernicious because it's mostly subtle and "unintentional").



The Purity Myth: How America's Obsession with Virginity is Hurting Young Women by Jessica Valenti
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Yo! Women are still oppressed!

Just a little background about me, so you can understand my review.  I was raised in a Christian home and sent to purity rallies, and I decided to wait until I was married to have sex, as did my husband.  Let me just say that if I had been more sexually educated and if I knew I wasn't going to devastate our parents, I doubt we would have waited.

I am a bit new to this feminism thing (right? where the vagina have I been?), and was dubious to read this book, just because how in the world could it be a BAD thing to teach abstinence?  Well, Valenti answered that question both intelligently, vehemently, and perhaps most important - compassionately.

The people who need to read this the most are most likely still in a religion that would shame them, but it is my wish that they still might. This is a message the church needs to hear.

A good way to get a few bits of the VAST amount of facts, stats, and legislation Valenti exposes in this book is to read the back pages - quick facts about The Virginity Movement and to visit the website: http://www.thepuritymyth.com/.

My Application:
-I am working hard to demystify the notion that females who enjoy sex before marriage are considered sluts, whores, and dirty. Girls like sex, boys like sex. We are all human.

-I am working through the disgust and anger at movements that seek to remind women that they will be damaged by pre-marital sex, that sex in general is bad for females and will hurt them, and institutions that refuse to teach girls and women how to have a healthy sex life.  

-It's morally repugnant that almost ALL of the abstinence-movement's money (a lot!!) is spent only on programs for white middle and upper class females.  1 - NOT ON LOW-INCOME or OTHER RACES and 2- NOT ON MALES.  (After all, "boys will be boys.")

-If we perpetuate a society where women are the gate-keepers of sex and men have to be aggressors to get this precious and limited commodity, we will always have rape, incest, abuse, and pedophilia.  As Valenti says, there is a HUGE difference between not saying 'no' and actually saying 'yes.'

-Rape is still largely legislated in rapists favor. (Did you know that if a girl consents even once during the encounter, ANYTHING that happens subsequently - including her saying 'no' - cannot be considered rape!

-I am reminded that a woman's moral character cannot be based simply on saying 'no' as a passive agent.  Instead of teaching them to perpetually say no (which continues into marriage, I might add, and can lead to marital rape, since the boy was taught to wait until his wedding night and then 'anything goes.'  How is a  girl who is taught to keep men at bay suddenly to learn that sex is good, intended for her pleasure, and will not in any way damage her), they should be reminded that their worth has nothing to do with if they do or do not have sex.

-I am still unpacking the lie that men are more visually stimulated and females are more sensory.  This line of reasoning is used to perpetuate the blame of rape upon females (they had it coming, they shouldn't have been out drinking, they shouldn't have been walking alone, they shouldn't have been wearing such little clothing).  One of the most poignant stories she tells is that one female was raped at home wearing sweats and a t-shirt, and had also been out several times in short skirts and NOT been raped. The only way to be raped is to be in the presence of a rapist, and is in no way the responsibility of the female to keep men from looking at them.  Let's focus more on how to teach men NOT to rape.

-I am just waking up to the notion that women are still treated like they don't know what's  best for their sex lives and bodies, and need men to make decisions for them, and need their father's to protect their virginity (via daddy/daughter dances wherein the girl pledges her virginity to her father...um?)

-Women are being forced into a perpetual girlhood (read: not smart) where they are sexy only if they are young. There is legislation that prevents females from abortions by saying over and over again "This is murder. This is murder" - based on the notion that if only they knew what they were doing, they wouldn't do it.  Fine, have your opinion, but do not treat the female like she is stupid.  SHE KNOWS WHAT ABORTION DOES.

Such a fascinating, enlightening, and IMPORTANT read.  It took me a long time to get through because it made me so angry at times...which I know is a good thing. I'd love to discuss this with readers, since conversation is the entire goal.

A girl is not going to have less to offer her husband by having sex before he comes along.  That's just not how sex works.  I'm all for virginity, but only if it's an informed and free choice a woman makes.  I will never be behind choices born from shame and manipulation.



Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail by Cheryl Strayed
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

Listen, whatever it is you think about the "self-indulgence" of memoir, screw it.  Wild is at parts too easy to read and at other parts remarkably hard to read...both in all of the good ways.  More like a conversation with Strayed than a memoir, I read and read and read.

I purchased a copy of this at Cheryl Strayed's reading at Third Place Books in Seattle, Wa.  I couldn't wait to read it after hearing her speak and after having fallen hard for her advice column as Sugar - compiled in Tiny Beautiful Things.  It was an inspiring, easy-to-read, expertly woven memoir.  I was expecting a lot more emotional reflection, but Strayed always walks this remarkably hard to achieve bad-ass line of detail and reflection, of compassion and buck-up-ity.  She made me care, she was vulnerable and honest (which made me trust her, almost as if she were my own trail guide, gently reaching for my hand over snowy patches and casually whistling ahead on the trail during easy patches).

A great read.  While it won't go on my list of the most important books in literature, it will go on a list of the most important books to me.  Will recommend it to a lot of people going forward.




Our Andromeda by Brenda Shaughnessy
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I stumbled into the poetry of Shaugnessy via Cheryl Strayed's FB page, who recommended it. I gave my daughter the middle name 'Andromeda' so I am always interested when I see it chosen as a name for something else.  I wasn't prepared for the heart-break and beauty of her poetry, especially the title poem.  Though I hate to draw comparisons (namely because I hate it when people do that with my own writing), but I kept vibing Plath in her poems, seeing the flatness of blunt thoughts which are simultaneously pregnant with meaning - a meaning the reader is invited to read, but never given the key to fully understand.

I was impressed.



Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from Dear Sugar by Cheryl Strayed
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book is like the bible for non-bible readers. It breaks your heart, twists into the break, then stitches it up again one poignant truth at a time. Painfully clear, gorgeously sad, and wrought with the real and tangible hope of forgiveness of others and the becoming of self.

Favorite line:
"Though I would rather be sodomized by a pink lawn flamingo than vote Republican..."




The Dream of a Common Language by Adrienne Rich
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A cornerstone for me now.  Must read.






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